Day: August 30, 2011

Is This Drunk Chick On The 7 Train Onto Something?

subwaycreatures

It’s Halloween night and damn Britney Spears is fucked up! Actually no matter what night it is, if it’s 4am on the 7 train you’re bound to see this. I give this chick a lot of credit, however. It’s almost like she knows exactly how far to fall without touching the guy sitting next to her. And what the hell do you think she’s dreaming of? My guess is she watched Jersey Shore before she went out and can’t get that picture of Situation ramming his own head into a concrete wall. She’s got the perfect form for it. Either that or the SNL skit of Will Ferrell giving himself a hummer in yoga class.

 

All of the above are acceptable answers but I think she might be on to something here. Imagine how ripped this chicks abs are going to be! She’s just created a two minute ab workout and I’d buy two minute abs way before I’d buy 8 minute abs plus I get to be black out drunk when I do it. Sure, the repercussions suck (miss my stop, robbed, raped, blah, blah, blah) but I’ll still wake up with a chiseled 6-pack without knowingly doing anything.

 

Side note: Has anyone actually tried to do the Will Ferrell move? I mean, I haven’t of course, I’m just wondering…

JETS Win The Snoopy, But Probably Nothing Else This Year

millertime31

Jesus Rex, can you tone down that smile a bit? So you won some award that was made up by your stadium’s new investor by beating the New York Giants, in what had to be the worst preseason game of the NFL season so far. Big Friggin’ Deal.

Didn’t your players just brag about how they are going to be scoring 28-30 points a game against their opponents this year, only to barely score 7 points while racking up only 113 in a littler over a half of play?  That’s should be making the coaches quoting Charlie Brown ‘Good Grief’ rather then sporting their pearly whites holding this piece of scrap metal.

You know who the real winner of this game was? The New England Patriots.  Because now the media can once again be on Tom Brady’s nuts on how they are going to win the AFC East again this year, since the only real competition isn’t exactly scaring anyone yet (offensively at least).

My early season prediction?  The Jets sneak into the playoffs as a wild-card team, only to lose once again at Pittsburgh.
On a side note, too bad this wasn’t the Garfield award, imagine all the funny jokes that could have been with that one.

Hurricane Irene Reporter Eats Shit…Literally

subwaycreatures

 

MYFOXNY.COM – A local news reporter from Washington, D.C. ended up getting covered in what is probably the remnants of raw sewage as he delivered live hurricane reports from Ocean City, Md. WTTG-TV reporter Tucker Barnes was providing live updates for stations around the country as a wall of what he described as sea foam poured over him. Barnes was on the boardwalk as Hurricane Irene hit the coast of Maryland. He noted that he had immersed himself in organic material.  That “organic material” was most likely the effects of raw sewage pouring into the water during the storm. “It doesn’t taste great,” he said. He said it had a sandy consistency and added, “I can tell you first-hand, it doesn’t smell great.” The foam is often a toxic mix of pollution and cyanobacteria. 60 mph wind gust sprayed the toxic mix across the reporter and the boardwalk and coated buildings. Bubbles and foam in the ocean can be caused by several other things, including oils from decomposing animals.

While every single news agency out there was trying to report on the ‘catastrophic’ damage Irene was causing, we were delivered this FOX News gem. We knew Hurricane Irene was going to shit on us, but I’m sure Tucker Barnes didn’t take that literally. I threw up when I first watched 2 girls, 1 cup and I’d say this isn’t too far off. Tucker is just repeatedly getting slapped in the mouth with these flying foam shits and giving play by play analysis of what it feels like, tastes like, and smells like. I believe there’s an old saying, “if it smells like shit, then it’s probably shit.” I love the ‘chief meteorologist’ back at the station that told him it’s some kind of organic matter. Dude must be laughing his ass off right now cause when he said ‘organic matter’ this is exactly what he meant. I don’t feel bad for our FOX friend here but I REALLY feel bad for whoever he is staying in that hotel room with. ‘Storm or not, Tucker, ain’t no way you staying in this room!’
Side note: Does anyone else ever notice weather reporters holding on to objects for their lives as if they are getting sucked into an F5 tornado and then someone casually walks by in the background?

Who is this Guy?!

subwaycreatures

 

So there’s a new documentary on HBO called SUPERHEROES about morons who literally dress up and “protect” the streets of the cities they live in. Just like Jersey Shore, I couldn’t stop watching it even though it was the most ridiculous shit to ever take place in America (I say that loosely). Literally, gay crime fighters walking the streets like hookers on a Saturday night trying to bait people into rape, skateboarding at 4 am in Brooklyn, etc. etc. All the while local police laughing at them in their face. I must say though, my favorite by far was Master Legend:

 

ML drinks on the job, hits on chicks at bars, and carries an ice cube launcher. Not only does he NEED his own show, but I want to know how he has time to save the world in between crushing all the local pussy in downtown Orlando, FL. I don’t mean to get so side tracked but there’s a point to this. Master Legend must have been on vacation in Spain and saved this dude’s life on the tracks cause look at how calm and cool that guy is. Drunk dude knocked out on tracks? I got this. Train coming? Don’t rush me. Get the guy to safety? Done and done. I know I always say this but it seriously looks like a clip from a Hollywood movie. And if you ever come across Master Legend, he probably just saved your life and you didn’t even know it.