Day: November 2, 2011

Let’s Rate Justin Bieber’s Baby Mama

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Mariah Yeater’s account of the night Justin Bieber impregnated her:

“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”

At this point the two went to a bathroom. “We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to fuck the shit out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to. In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything. He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.”

I love the line where she says “it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another.” Just look at her face, I mean how can you resist THAT? Especially Justin Bieber who could probably bang any chick he wants. If Bieber lost his virginity to this chick and not Selena Gomez or even that Argentinian model then I’ve lost faith in all mankind. I’m pretty sure that little shit’s nuts haven’t even dropped yet so don’t go with the story that he wanted to lose his virginity to you and it was over in 30 seconds. Likely story whore. Go on ‘Maury’, take a paternity test, and in a couple weeks I guarantee you we see Bieber doing this dance across the stage…

Iranian Soccer Player Probably Sentenced To Death For Goal Celebration

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Youtube:

The Iran Football Federation banned two of its players and fined them $40,000 each for “committing immoral acts” during a goal celebration.

 

It wouldn’t surprise me if this guy is being water-boarded with his nuts hooked up to a car battery right now. The only thing those Middle Eastern countries hate more than gay shenanigans are Americans so you can understand the mistake this guy made when he was caught three knuckles deep in his teammates ass during a televised soccer game. Here’s what I don’t understand though, the guy who gets finger blasted also gets banned and fined? I guess he’ll think twice next time before jumping on his teammates back and opening his legs like Paris Hilton.

10 Year Old Pulls 9MM On Woman During Trick-or-Treating

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Aiken, South Carolina:

According to a police incident report, a 28-year-old woman told authorities she recognized some boys from her neighborhood while they were trick-or-treating about 6:30 p.m. Monday near Schroeder and George streets and jokingly told them she would take their candy. One 10-year-old in the group of about 10 juveniles responded with “no you’re not …” and then pointed a 9 mm handgun at her.

 

Ah the good ol’ South. I’ll be careful what I say since CSC has readers down there but goddamn these kids aren’t playing around. OK, now for my thug costume…oversized money sign chain? Check. Bandana? Check. Baggy jeans? Check. I just feel like something’s missing…oh shit I forgot my dad’s 9MM of course! This kid must have had a traumatic experience the previous year and no way he was getting robbed of his candy again. I’m not gonna lie that was the easiest way of trick-or-treating when I was younger. Let the younger kids do all the work and at the end of the night you give’em the old ‘I’ll take that, thanks.’ Nope, not in South Carolina. Down there you try that shit and it’s two to the chest and one to the head.

Every Girl Should Have The Booty Pop

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In this world men are classified into two groups, ass-men and titty-men. Anyone who knows me knows I’m an ass man so when I saw this product I knew I had to promote it. Look, I don’t care if you’re wearing underwear that is padded, at least you’re making the effort plus you’ll probably start breaking guy’s necks left and right. I mean just look at this chick’s ass. Yes it was nice to begin with, but look at that after photo. I can set a goddamn drink down on that thing. And you know what, I don’t care once I find out your ass is fake. That’s what the Spank Bank is for.