Day: November 3, 2011

Brutal Machete Attack In Paterson, NJ

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Paterson, you’ve been quiet for a while. Glad to see you still have it in you to make headlines every now and then. Growing up in the Paterson area, there’s one thing I always knew: Stay away from all fried chicken places after sundown! These places turn into the bar in ‘From Dusk Til Dawn’. Killer creatures coming out of everywhere with machetes and shit. I was waiting for George Clooney to come through the window and save the day but even he knows to stay out of fried chicken stores in Paterson after dark. You go in for a drum stick, thigh, and maybe some rice on the side and you leave on a stretcher.

Also, does this guy just casually walk around with a machete in his pants? Not really sure what that machete was made of either cause after 14 hacks with it I was expecting that poor guy to look like a Yankee in pinstripes but I didn’t even notice any blood.

Woman Jumps In Front Of F-Train After Hearing Of Kim K. And Kris Humphries Divorce

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Gothamist.com:

Last night, just before 8 p.m., a young woman jumped from the platform onto the tracks as a Brooklyn-bound F train pulled into the Delancey/Essex Street station. Passengers were quickly removed from the train (though some were stuck in the dark for up to 30 minutes) as the FDNY pulled the woman from the tracks. But on the plus side, it appears the woman will be okay? According to Animal New York, “The conductor was reportedly overheard telling her, ‘Just don’t move, okay?’ and she responded, ‘Okay.'” The FDNY tells us that the woman, whose name and age they didn’t have, was transported to Bellevue “alert and conscious.” The MTA had no further information on the incident.

 

Well, she didn’t really jump in front of the train because of Kim Kardashian’s divorce but it wouldn’t surprise me if she did it because she couldn’t take hearing about it in the news anymore. I was tempted myself when I saw that C-Train speeding into the station this morning, but this is exactly how my luck would go. I can’t take hearing about the Kardashians and Biebers and occupy wall street anymore so I throw myself onto the tracks of an oncoming train only to break my arm and have to pay thousands of dollars in medical bills. Life’s a bitch sometimes isn’t it?

83-Year-Old Man Arrested On Male Prostitution Charges

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KTVO:

Centerville Police said they have arrested an 83-year-old man on charges of prostitution. The investigation of Ben Clifford Dawson of Centerville began on October 22. Dawson is listed as a candidate for Centerville City Council. According to police, they received a complaint that Dawson had offered to perform sex acts on a woman in exchange for repayment of a loan. Dawson allegedly grabbed the victim and began kissing her neck without consent. As a result, Dawson faces two aggravated misdemeanor charges: prostitution and intent to commit sexual abuse. He was released from the Appanoose County Jail after posting $2,000 bond.

 

Damn, you really know that times are tough when an 83 year old man has no other option but to repay his debts in sex acts. Kind of makes you wonder if this is how Mr. Dawson lived his whole life. Like this has always been Ben’s form of currency. Hey Bob can I borrow your truck, I need to go to town today. Sure Ben, you know the deal…zippppp. That’s a pretty nice looking lawnmower, how much you want for her? $250? I got a better idea…zipppp. Gotta be careful with who you solicit to though Ben. Now your an 83 year old man going to jail on male prostitution charges. That’s the only place in the US where that is a universal form of currency.