Came across this story on Deadspin and had to share it! College is an amazing place but cougars are more amazing…
Back in the spring of ’97 my alma mater, the University of Arizona, improbably won the basketball national championship by beating three #1 seeds. As such, the 40,000 students decided to celebrate (read: “riot”). When the cops started to pepper spray the crowd, me and my buddy Rich decided to ditch the overturned cars and bonfires to find our own party.
At that time in Tucson, all liquor sales ended at 1am, so we were determined to pick up a couple of bottles of whatever we could lay our hands on before that time. So we headed over to the closest liquor store that wasn’t completely packed with people with the same idea as ours. Finally, with literally minutes to spare, we got in line at a liquor store with two bottles of vodka and three twenty four packs of beer (yes, it was just for us, but we figured we’d find our friends as the night wore on and we’d be heroes for having the foresight to pick up beer and liquor while they were busy running from the cops in riot gear). I then noticed that the girl ahead of me in line was this hottie from my astronomy class. I didn’t know her name, but that didn’t stop me from chatting her up as we waited to ring up our purchases.
She was in line by herself, so I asked where her friends were. She told me that her mom was in town so her friends had basically ditched her to go hang out with the crowd and get wasted outside the judging eye of an adult. She then said, “But I swear, my mom is really cool!” So I asked what her plan was and she basically said that she was headed back to her mom’s hotel room to watch the kids partying/rioting on the local news. It was then that Rich piped up and invited them to our place to wait on our friends and the inevitable party that would break out once the cops broke up everything. She agreed quickly and introduced herself to Rich as “Ashley” (not her real name since I can’t remember it).
When Ashley got done buying her Zima or whatever girlie drinks she had got she told us she was going to grab her mom and meet us outside. After she exited the store I looked at Rich and said “dibs on Ashley . . . you can have the mom”. We chuckled and he said we would just have to see where the night took us.
We met up with Ashley and her mom outside, who has in her mid to late 40′s and wasn’t all that bad looking. I could see where Ashley got her good looks from. Fast foward to our place and it turns out that Ashley’s mom WAS cool. She even took a couple of bong rips and the four of us were in full-on party mode.
I proceeded to get hammered, as did Ashley. By this time it was about 3 in the morning and our friends hadn’t yet shown up, but I didn’t care because I could tell things were going great with Ashley and that I was probably going to bang her. Rich was a good friend and had taken Ashley’s mom on a tour of the house (which is hilarious since it was a total typical off-campus dump). So I went to make my move and Ashley was receptive. After about ten minutes of making out I suggested we go to my room. Ashley quickly said yes and we got up to go. As we were walking down the hallway though we could hear the unmistakable sound of Rich banging the ever-loving crap out of Ashley’s mom. She was literally screaming, telling Rich “HARDER! HARDER!”
Ashley got this awful look on her face and I knew at that moment that not only was I not getting laid that night, but that I would probably have to drop that easy-A astronomy class just so we would never have to see each other again. Ashley then started knocking loudly on Rich’s door, trying to yell over her mom’s screaming, telling her that they had to leave. Ashley’s mom either didn’t hear or didn’t care because they kept going at it for another 20 minutes while we stood outside the door to Rich’s bedroom listening to him defile that cougar in what I could only imagine was every way possible.
When the screaming and squeaking bedsprings died down to just some heavy breathing, Ashley knocked again and tried the door handle. The door opened right up (of course he didn’t lock it – that would have been the smart thing to do) and there was Ashley’s mom, naked, wiping her vag with a handtowel while Rich laid on the bed, equally naked, laughing to himself. Ashley told her mom to get dressed and that she would meet her outside because she wanted to go home.
As Ashley’s mom walked out she told us thanks for the good time and then said to Rich, “I hope Ash isn’t too pissed. If she tells my husband I’m so screwed.”
I saw Ashley every once in a while on campus after that, but we made it a point to never make eye-contact. I couldn’t be pissed at Rich though. I did tell him that he had to take the mom.