Archive for November, 2011

HuffPost:

A couple arrested in a Texas fast-food restaurant on drug charges got amorous in the backseat of a cop car taking them to jail on Monday, according to the Montgomery County Police Reporter. Even with their hands cuffed behind their backs, Howard Windham’s pants were somehow unbuttoned and lowered enough for his partner in crime, Tina Marie Arie to perform oral sex. It’s a feat that would impress the lascivious side of Harry Houdini. A constable’s deputy in Porter, outside Houston, noticed that something was up when he looked in the rearview mirror and allegedly saw Arie’s head in Windham’s lap. Arie explained that she was tired, according to the Police Reporter, but the law officer said he saw what was going down and ordered them to break up the hanky-panky. They got into trouble in the first place, because a friend of theirs was passed out in a Whataburger franchise at 2 pm, The Houston Chronicle says. When the officer rustled through the intoxicated man’s pockets to find ID, he came across dozens of painkillers, according to the Police Reporter website. Shortly thereafter, Windham, 30, allegedly tried to drop a pill on the floor, but got caught doing it. Arie, 44, was allegedly holding drugs too, according to The Chronicle. She had prescription bottles of Hydrocodone and Soma. She told police that their knocked-out pal took drugs from her, according to KSAT. Windham was charged with possession of a controlled substance while Arie got booked for delivery of a controlled substance. Their unnamed accomplice was taken to the hospital.

There’s one for the the ol’ bucket list. Getting head in the back of a police car while handcuffed. CHECK.

I don’t see where the huge mystery is on how this guy’s pants were unbuttoned. Just because your hands are handcuffed behind your back doesn’t mean you can’t use them. She clearly unbuttoned his pants by turning her back to him and got to work. They probably could have even finished too if it weren’t 2PM in the afternoon and all of Texas could see into the back of the cop car including the cop who was driving. What’s worse than going to jail? It would have to be going to jail with blue balls, right? I’ll give an A for effort, B- for execution, and F for getting themselves in that position in the first place.

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“Tough guy” fail; Man exits turnstile, pushed kid out the way, kid said “What the hell” man returns, states “I’m waiting” the kid gives him a beat down. If you want to push and talk crap, you should back it up.

Why can’t this be the way shit always goes down in these scenarios? The guy pushed the kid out of the way, feels bad, let’s the kid have a free shot, and everyone walks away to continue their day. No cops, no MTA employees getting involved, just pure subway justice working itself out. The kid doesn’t even take his ear phones out and the dude who got punched offers a hand shake afterward. I’m not gonna lie, the clip is weird as hell but no one was arrested or hurt so let’s let bygones be bygones.

TMZ:

Justin Bieber‘s baby mama has dismissed her paternity lawsuit against the singer … TMZ has learned. The suit was quietly dismissed late last week.  What’s more, Mariah Yeater‘s lawyers, Lance Rogers and Matt Pare, have quit her … withdrawn from the case. As we first reported, Justin not only planned to take a DNA test when he returned to the U.S., he was going to sue Yeater and her lawyers for making a bogus claim.  And, as we reported, Justin’s lawyer, Howard Weitzman, called the attorneys and informed them a suit was looming. Apparently, they got the message.

 

So Bieber doesn’t have a baby, still has a girlfriend, and might sue this crazy bitch now. A happy ending that makes me sick. I wanted some crazy story to transpire like Bieber takes the paternity test and we find out he’s been impregnating chicks all over the world, there’s a huge cover up, his girlfriend leaves him, and Nickelodeon asks for all their awards back. But no. This story is gonna go away faster than Charlie Sheen’s comedy tour. Oh well…just have to wait for the next scandal to break…

BaconLube Hits The Market

Posted: November 16, 2011 by rmcguire13 in Funny
Tags: , , ,

HuffPost:

You’re not a piece of meat — but you can still be a “bacon lover.” The pork-o-philes at J & D’s Foods say they’re cooking up their first genuine batch of Baconlube. For just $11.99 plus shipping, you can lather up in their smokey, salty, and delicious lubricant-massage oil. Of course, such an outrageous offering should be taken with a grain of J & D’s signature bacon salt. In April 2009, the company introduced the same product — also known as the “McRib of Sex”as an April Fools Day joke. “But when the joke ended, the emails kept coming,” J & D’s website explains. “People harassed us via email, in public and in highly inappropriate ways (thanks for that). The waiting list grew to over 3,000 people. Expectations were built.” The news is particularly exciting for Canadian bacon lovers, who will no longer be forced to choose between their two favorite past times. “So you’re welcome Canada, you’re welcome — we’ve got your back,” a press release obtained by the Toronto Star said.

 

The ‘McRib of Sex’. God, doesn’t that sound hot? I just wanna see the people on the ‘waiting list’ for this shit. I’ve seen some of the chicks my friends take home and all I’m gonna say is the smell of bacon might be a little bit of a distraction for these girls. Personally, I like to keep the smell of food separate from what happens in the bed but then I thought of one positive that might come from this. It might be a stretch but if you use this enough, your girl will turn into one of Pavlov’s dogs and always associate the smell of bacon with sex. You won’t be able to go into an IHOP or Denny’s without getting humped until your Grandslam comes. Someone please order this and tell me about your experience.

 

 

Wow. Wow. Wow. What a mess! This Mexican tranny has to be rolling on E or just plain out of it’s mind. But just like most of them, it sees the camera and has to steal the spotlight. Doesn’t this subway creature hear the little kid begging her in Spanish to stop? Even he knows he’ll never be able to ride the train the same way again.

And if there were ever a more disgusting thing to see on public transportation, it has to be this thing licking the hand railing like it’s in the ‘Lickable Wallpaper Room’ in Wonka’s Factory. Out of all the videos you’ve seen on CSC, you know the disgusting and vile things that happen on these trains and the kind of people who hold onto those railings so I really give this chick/dude 24 hours to live before it dies of some unheard of disease. Oh, and by the way, think of this video the next time you are riding the A-Train and holding onto the pole.

A College Experience To Remember…

Posted: November 15, 2011 by rmcguire13 in Funny
Tags: , , , , ,

 

Came across this story on Deadspin and had to share it! College is an amazing place but cougars are more amazing…

 

Back in the spring of ’97 my alma mater, the University of Arizona, improbably won the basketball national championship by beating three #1 seeds. As such, the 40,000 students decided to celebrate (read: “riot”). When the cops started to pepper spray the crowd, me and my buddy Rich decided to ditch the overturned cars and bonfires to find our own party.

At that time in Tucson, all liquor sales ended at 1am, so we were determined to pick up a couple of bottles of whatever we could lay our hands on before that time. So we headed over to the closest liquor store that wasn’t completely packed with people with the same idea as ours. Finally, with literally minutes to spare, we got in line at a liquor store with two bottles of vodka and three twenty four packs of beer (yes, it was just for us, but we figured we’d find our friends as the night wore on and we’d be heroes for having the foresight to pick up beer and liquor while they were busy running from the cops in riot gear). I then noticed that the girl ahead of me in line was this hottie from my astronomy class. I didn’t know her name, but that didn’t stop me from chatting her up as we waited to ring up our purchases.

She was in line by herself, so I asked where her friends were. She told me that her mom was in town so her friends had basically ditched her to go hang out with the crowd and get wasted outside the judging eye of an adult. She then said, “But I swear, my mom is really cool!” So I asked what her plan was and she basically said that she was headed back to her mom’s hotel room to watch the kids partying/rioting on the local news. It was then that Rich piped up and invited them to our place to wait on our friends and the inevitable party that would break out once the cops broke up everything. She agreed quickly and introduced herself to Rich as “Ashley” (not her real name since I can’t remember it).

When Ashley got done buying her Zima or whatever girlie drinks she had got she told us she was going to grab her mom and meet us outside. After she exited the store I looked at Rich and said “dibs on Ashley . . . you can have the mom”. We chuckled and he said we would just have to see where the night took us.

We met up with Ashley and her mom outside, who has in her mid to late 40’s and wasn’t all that bad looking. I could see where Ashley got her good looks from. Fast foward to our place and it turns out that Ashley’s mom WAS cool. She even took a couple of bong rips and the four of us were in full-on party mode.

I proceeded to get hammered, as did Ashley. By this time it was about 3 in the morning and our friends hadn’t yet shown up, but I didn’t care because I could tell things were going great with Ashley and that I was probably going to bang her. Rich was a good friend and had taken Ashley’s mom on a tour of the house (which is hilarious since it was a total typical off-campus dump). So I went to make my move and Ashley was receptive. After about ten minutes of making out I suggested we go to my room. Ashley quickly said yes and we got up to go. As we were walking down the hallway though we could hear the unmistakable sound of Rich banging the ever-loving crap out of Ashley’s mom. She was literally screaming, telling Rich “HARDER! HARDER!”

Ashley got this awful look on her face and I knew at that moment that not only was I not getting laid that night, but that I would probably have to drop that easy-A astronomy class just so we would never have to see each other again. Ashley then started knocking loudly on Rich’s door, trying to yell over her mom’s screaming, telling her that they had to leave. Ashley’s mom either didn’t hear or didn’t care because they kept going at it for another 20 minutes while we stood outside the door to Rich’s bedroom listening to him defile that cougar in what I could only imagine was every way possible.

When the screaming and squeaking bedsprings died down to just some heavy breathing, Ashley knocked again and tried the door handle. The door opened right up (of course he didn’t lock it – that would have been the smart thing to do) and there was Ashley’s mom, naked, wiping her vag with a handtowel while Rich laid on the bed, equally naked, laughing to himself. Ashley told her mom to get dressed and that she would meet her outside because she wanted to go home.

As Ashley’s mom walked out she told us thanks for the good time and then said to Rich, “I hope Ash isn’t too pissed. If she tells my husband I’m so screwed.”

I saw Ashley every once in a while on campus after that, but we made it a point to never make eye-contact. I couldn’t be pissed at Rich though. I did tell him that he had to take the mom.

 

 

TSG:

When Shanaya Edgell arrived early yesterday morning at a McDonald’s in Janesville, Wisconsin, she was expecting to order from the fast food joint’s regular menu–Big Macs, french fries, Chicken McNuggets, and the like. Except it was around 3 AM and the restaurant had already switched over to its breakfast menu–hash browns, Egg McMuffins, hotcakes, and the like. This enraged Edgell, according to Janesville Police Department officers, since she wanted a cheeseburger. The 22-year-old–for some unexplained reason–turned on her boyfriend, biting him on the arm and tearing off his shirt. Darrell Page, 40, explained to a cop that Edgell “wanted a burger from McDonald’s,” so they drove to the restaurant–only to discover at the drive-thru window that the eatery “had stopped serving hamburgers and was now only serving breakfast.” Edgell, he added, “got upset because she did not want breakfast and only wanted a cheeseburger.” After driving away, Edgell apparently changed her mind, and directed Page to “return to McDonald’s so that she could get breakfast,” according to a misdemeanor criminal complaint filed in Circuit Court. At this point, Edgell allegedly began striking Page in the face and biting his right arm. Page also told police that when he pulled his car over during the assault, Edgell got out of the vehicle and climbed atop the hood to keep him from leaving. During police questioning, Edgell confirmed that she became “upset” after discovering that McDonald’s had “switched over to the breakfast menu and…she wanted to order food off the regular menu.” She reported “freaking out over this,” adding that Page was trying to calm her down over the matter of the unavailable cheeseburgers. When a cop asked why he had spotted her on the car’s roof, Edgell answered, “because I was acting crazy.” After dismounting from the vehicle, Edgell was collared for disorderly conduct. Pictured in the above mug shot, Edgell is being held in the Rock County jail in lieu of $150 bond. She is scheduled for a court appearance later this afternoon.

Shanaya, I completely understand how you feel. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to McDonald’s looking for breakfast, only to find out that I missed it by 5 minutes and can only get lunch. Or when I go late at night hoping to get 3 McChickens with fries only to be told they are only serving eggs or pancakes. McDonald’s thinks it’s their world and we’re all just living in it. How hard would it be to make anything on your menu 24/7? You microwave the chicken for 30 seconds, put it on a roll with mayo and lettuce and BAM! Done. Same goes for the egg sandwiches. Why in the hell would I go to McDonald’s at 11AM looking for chicken nuggets or a cheeseburger?! Sell breakfast until at least noon and serve lunch/dinner until 4AM and sales will go up and America will be fatter than it already is. Christ, do I need to do everything around here?

Side note: The only thing scarier than the people in McDonald’s at 3AM are the people who aren’t fucked up.

FLORHAM PARK, N.J. (AP)—The NFL is looking into an Internet video that appears to show New York Jets coach Rex Ryan using an obscenity while angrily responding to a fan after the team’s 37-16 loss to the New England Patriots. NFL spokesman Greg Aiello says Monday that the league is aware of the 48-second video, which shows the Jets walking off the field Sunday night. When Ryan appears, someone is heard yelling, “Hey, Rex, Belichick is better than you,” referring to Patriots coach Bill Belichick. Ryan looks up and tells the fan to “shut up” while also using an obscenity. Ryan was fined $50,000 by the Jets in 2010 after he was caught on a cellphone camera giving the middle finger to a fan during a mixed martial arts event in Florida.

 

Welp, Rex will be digging deep into his pockets for this one. I understand emotions were running high after that nail biter in New England but in today’s world you HAVE to know that there is a 99% chance of someone recording you when walking off the field. Rex, you gave them exactly what they wanted which was a frustrated and emotional reaction that they can now post all over the internet and…here we are. To be honest I would be just as mad though. You play the worst defense in the league and get Sandusky’d by them (too soon?). Back to the drawing board and like I’ve said since last year, you’re not winning a Super Bowl with Sanchez taking snaps. Is it too late to make a run for Andrew Luck? Keep it classy Jets fans.

Man Yelling At Random Things Kicks Off The Weekend!

Posted: November 11, 2011 by rmcguire13 in Funny

 

I think because it’s Friday that I thought this was pretty funny but let’s let ‘crazy yelling guy’ kickoff your weekend! Rutgers at Yankee Stadium tomorrow and a weekend full of drinking sounds like a great plan!

 

Ohhhhhhh boy! Giants on the west coast and 3.5 point underdogs!!! Love it. Nicks might be back, Bradshaw is out and Eli is still blowing the smoke off his trigger finger. Giants walk into San Fran like the bosses they were last week in New England and look to improve on their lead in the the NFC East. Philly sucks, Dallas is killing themselves, and who is that other team…? Oh yea, Washington who is irrelevant. As long as the Giants are underdogs I feel comfortable with a 3.5 point spread. It’s when they are favored that I get nervous. Giants +3.5 in the over at 42.5

 

241 New York Giants +3½  -110 +160
42½ O -110
U -110
20 O -110
U -120
242 San Francisco 49ers -3½  -110 -190
23 O -115
U -115
Week 10
Let’s get real, this won’t be even close to as exciting as Giants/Patriots but it’s still a division rivalry so it’s a big game. This is also to decide first place in the AFC East since Buffalo is proving they are the same team they’ve always been in the past years and Miami is dropping games for a draft pick. Rex Ryan has already come out and asked the fans for help and that could actually be a huge factor in this Sunday night nationally televised showdown. Tom Brady is trying to stop a 2 game losing streak for the Pats and keep his team in the lead of the AFC East. The Patriots haven’t lost 3 straight games since 2002 and I have a feeling the losing streak will continue due to a Patriots defense that is in complete disarray. The Jets could be their own worst enemy if they walk into this game thinking it’s going to be easy. This game is the Patriots offense against the Jets defense and after last week, I think we saw that Brady is losing his touch. Unless he can use his tight ends every other down, I don’t see the Pats being able to pull this one off. The other big question is whether or not the Jets offense can mount points on this sorrowful defense. We’ll see Sunday night but I’m running with the Jets-2 and the over at 47.5
243 New England Patriots +2  -110 +110
47½ O -110
U -110
23 O -115
U -115
244 New York Jets -2  -110 -130
24½ O -120
U -110
NBC Week 10