Month: November 2011

Tennessee Cousins Fight Over Taking Their Relationship To The Next Level

subwaycreatures

TSG:

A Tennessee woman who said she wanted a relationship–and did not want to be just “a booty call”–allegedly stabbed a male suitor Tuesday night after he became irate when she put the brakes on his attempts to “touch her suggestively,” police report. Oh, did we mention that the two are first cousins? Erica Wilson, 21, and Jesse Brooks, 32, were arrested and charged with aggravated domestic assault following a brawl in Brooks’s home in Rogersville. Wilson told a sheriff’s deputy that she and Brooks had “gotten into an argument about the status” of their relationship. It was during the argument, Wilson reported, that Brooks “began to touch her suggestively and stated that ‘he wanted her.’” In response, Wilson told her cousin that she “wanted a relationship and did not want to be ‘A Booty Call,’” according to a Hawkins County Sheriff’s Office report. The latter comment allegedly infuriated Brooks, who began cursing at Wilson, and then allegedly knocked her to the kitchen floor with a flurry of punches. Fighting back, Wilson grabbed a pair of scissors and slashed away at her cousin’s face, neck, arms, and back. An investigator noted that Wilson and Brooks, who smelled of booze, admitted to consuming significant amounts of Everclear grain alcohol. Since a “primary aggressor” could not be determined, both cousins were arrested. Wilson, a Taco Bell employee, bonded out of jail yesterday after posting $4000 bond. Her cousin remains locked up in the county jail in lieu of $4000 bond. Both are set to be arraigned in Sessions Court later this month.

 

Cue the banjos we’ve hit the trifecta Tennessee! Cousins banging each other, grain alcohol, and a fast food employee. Goddamn, you never disappoint us! Just look at that mugshot. Looks like when I tried to be a badass and start shaving in middle school and I had no idea what I was doing. When I was reading this I was like thank god, at least common sense has slapped this chick in the face and she wants her cousin to stop bangin’ her but then I realized it was because she wanted more than just a drunk booty call. Don’t we have laws against this? Isn’t this considered inhumane? Are there not enough people in Tennessee that everyone has to fuck their relatives? So many questions I don’t know where to begin. People from the south scare the shit out of me for reasons just like this. They are as wild card as they come and I’m confident that all of those horror movies you see about people getting a flat tire in the middle of nowhere and being tortured and killed are pretty accurate. Billy-Bob and Edward Scissorhands here are prime examples.

 

Satanic Sex Threesome Can’t Be As Great As It Sounds

subwaycreatures


TSG:

NOVEMBER 9–Two young Milwaukee women were arrested this week after an 18-year-old Arizona man–who traveled to Wisconsin by bus after meeting one of the suspects online–told cops that he was held captive in the duo’s apartment for two days and slashed and stabbed more than 300 times as part of an apparent satanic sex ritual. A Milwaukee Police Department search warrant for the East Knapp Street apartment where the man was held details his ordeal. The warrant authorized cops to seize an assortment of items from the residence, including “knives or other cutting instruments,” blood and DNA evidence, duct tape, restraining devices, and “Books or literature relating to Satanism or the occult.” The police investigation began Sunday night after cops responded to a report of a possible stabbing. Officers found the Arizona man “bleeding from the neck, arms and back.” He told cops that after arriving at the home of a woman he met online, he “was bound and was stabbed numerous times over a timeframe of what he described as ‘two days.’” The man was transported to a local hospital, where medical personnel “estimated the number of wounds to be in excess of 300,” according to a search warrant affidavit sworn by Detective Michael Walisiciwicz. While at the apartment building, police were approached by Rebecca Chandler, 22, who stated, “I think you are here looking for me.” Chandler told cops that she had engaged in sexual relations with the Arizona man “and that the cutting was consensual but that it got quickly out of hand.”Chandler claimed that her roommate–whom she identified only as “Scarlett”–was “the one who did the majority of the cutting” during the incident. Chandler, police reported, “also made reference to ‘Scarlett’ possibly being involved in satanic or occult activities.” Cops subsequently identified “Scarlett” as Raven Larrabee, 20. She was arrested and booked yesterday into the Milwaukee County jail, where she is being held in lieu of $100,000 bond. Chandler is also in the county lockup, where her bond was set at $150,000. The women, who have not yet been charged by prosecutors, are being held for suspicion of reckless injury, a felony.

Imagine taking a bus cross-country for what you think is going to be an awesome threesome only to ring the doorbell and have these two psychos answer the door? I can picture this kid’s face looking at the address he had written down then looking at the number outside the door a second time. Next thing you know he’s tied up and getting slashed and stabbed like he’s in Amistad. Worst part is that there’s no ‘safe words’ when it comes to satanic shit like this so this kid had to go to his happy place for a while until they felt he had enough. Meeting people you find online is like playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and this guy obviously got the bullet. Sometimes it’s a serial killer, sometimes it’s a 45-year old pedophile, sometimes it’s satanic cult ready to torture you, but you never hear the story about the guy who showed up to find two smoking hot girls waiting on a bed for him.

Sidenote: I think I’m going to have trouble sleeping tonight after looking at the mugshot of the chick on the left. Just horrifying…

Penn State Assholes Riot After JoPa Is Fired

subwaycreatures

 

I’m putting the usual sarcastic/joking blog aside for a second here. Everyone loves a good riot, especially drunk college kids. Hell, I remember rioting in Rhode Island after the Red Sox came back on the Yankees when they were down 3 games to none and I hated both teams. But that was over a baseball game. I’m really trying to figure out what the hell these kids could possibly be rioting about. Yea, your historic head coach got fired but let’s look at the circumstances. He knew about little kids getting fondled and turned his back. When kids come into play and numerous people including coaches are involved, of course PSU is going to clean house. Anything less would be condoning it and obviously the right decision was made. I’m tired of hearing from fans and alumni on Facebook and Twitter that there was some kind of injustice done here. I don’t feel bad for you. You know who I feel bad for? The kids who were victimized in this case. Why don’t you listen to their story before flipping news vans and destroying your own college campus. You’re embarrassing yourselves. [http://www.pennlive.com/midstate/index.ssf/2011/11/sister_of_sandusky_victim_talk.html]

I have two 11-year old sisters and if I ever found out something like this happened to them I would be doing my own kind of rioting at Penn St. I would be like Denzel Washington in ‘Man On Fire’ and blow up Joe Paterno’s house along with every person involved. The kids are going to be traumatized for the rest of their lives and there’s no changing that and all you people care about is Penn St. football. Unreal.

 

UPDATE: Apparently these guys were pimping these little kids out to other rich diddlers? Getting fired should be the least of their worries right now. Any Penn State supporter should sit down and shut the fuck up because if you support this you’re just as guilty as those involved. A sad day for PSU…deal with it!

So Mariah Yeater Really Put Herself In A Lose/Lose Situation Huh?

subwaycreatures

 

O.J. Simpson’s face looked less guilty than this chick’s. I love when the comment comes up that if the paternity test is negative, she’s getting sued by Biebs and if it’s positive, she might be charged with having sex with a minor. You put yourself in one hell of a position there toots. Sprinkle a little bit of crack of her and let’s get the hell out of here. Open and shut case Johnson!

If Sticking Vodka Soaked Tampons Up Your Ass Is Cool, Then You Can Call Me Miles Davis

subwaycreatures

 

Have I honestly been out of school for this long that I had no idea this was going on? Is our world this fucked up that this sounds even remotely close to a good idea? The whole point of drinking for me in school was to play drinking games, blackout, and throw up…all to do it over again the next night. What ever happened to beer pong, or Kings, or quarters? No. Let’s stick a tampon covered in Popov up my ass and call it a good time. And kids are also funneling beer through their ass? Kids are clearly fuckin pussies nowadays and I’m glad I didn’t go to school and have to witness this. I’ll tell ya right now, if I were a parent and I got that call I wouldn’t even go to the hospital. Fuck that. I would make my kid sit on the side of the road like this mother, holding a sign saying ‘I THOUGHT PUTTING ALCOHOL IN MY ASS WAS FUN. NOW I HAVE A LEAKY SPHINCTER AND I HAVE TO WEAR DIAPERS.’

Man Hands Out Fetus Dolls To Halloween Trick-or-Treaters

subwaycreatures

 

Well it makes for a good conversation starter, no? ‘Daddy, where do baby fetuses come from?’ At least the guy wasn’t prejudice about the little bastards. I saw a black one in there. Listen, it might not have been the best timing to give those out but as a parent, you tell your kid it’s a sleeping baby doll and move on with life.

If anything the kid has all the right to be pissed. I HATED getting anything other than candy for Halloween. Thanks for the nickel and 3 pennies lady, what do you want me to do with this? Maybe if I’m lucky enough to get another dollar in change I can buy my candy on Halloween! And then there’s the people that give random objects from around their house. I seriously had a woman give me a knitted finger puppet one time. Just one. Not even two where at least I can have a conversation between the two of them on my fingers. People, go to the store and buy candy on Halloween. Maybe then your house won’t get egged every year.

Candy Thief Tries To Jump Over Police Car Like He’s In Some Action Movie

subwaycreatures

 

Youtube:

Barrio Spiderman and 5 of his homeboys suspected of stealing hundreds of dollars of candy from area grocery stores gets pulled over and Alberto Einstein here makes a break for it. Police pursued the suspect into a neighborhood and he climbed onto a roof to get away. Officers cautiously followed him as he ran from roof to roof the entire time, not knowing what to expect. After a few minutes, they brought out a ladder and sprayed him with pepper spray. Seconds later he came down and tried to flee the scene, but ran into a parked police sport utility vehicle. Police say the teen is likely going to be charged with criminal trespassing for jumping from roof to roof and running from officers.

 

Candy? Candy, Paco? You’re jumping rooftop to rooftop and running from authorities like Jason Bourne over candy? My brother stole candy from a grocery store when he was young and got caught too. You know what they did? They called my mom and told her to come pick him up. Sometimes people just know exactly how to push that snowball down the hill and just let it roll forever. But how about that payoff at the end! This is why every police department should have a camera crew on site. First, the cameraman gives everyone a heads up that the suspect is coming their way. Then, he proceeds to laugh at the guy totally busting his ass before he even hits the ground.

Paco, what were you thinking here? You’ve clearly watched one too many action films. Just because a man is standing there with a camera filming you doesn’t mean you are actually IN a movie! You wanna see real? Watch ‘Cops’ and you’ll see police officers with one-leg run down suspects. You coulda run anywhere you wanted and you picked the 7-foot Phoenix Police SUV to try to run over. What was the plan after that? If it was to smash your face off the hood and get speared into the pavement then mission accomplished.

Soccer Player Almost Decapitates Woman With Kick

subwaycreatures

 

The only reason this is on Youtube is because the soccer ball missed this lady’s head by the width of a piece of paper. If it were the other way around I’m pretty sure the only place you could have seen this was on Faces Of Death and Luke Rodgers would be in jail for manslaughter.

By the way, why do people still watch soccer?

So Was There Anything More Awkward Than Courtney Stodden’s Public Breast Exam? Ah, no.

subwaycreatures

 

So for those of you who have been living under a rock for the past few months, Courtney Stodden is the 17-year-old who got her mother’s permission to marry creepy 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson (“actor” from LOST). The two have been making headlines for their bizarre relationship and constant PDA plus, recent rumors popped up that Courtney has had a bunch of plastic surgery including a boob job that she vehemently denies. So what’s next? Go on Dr. Drew to have a public breast exam to prove everyone wrong of course!

This one goes up there on the awkward scale. The silence in the studio, the seriousness of everyone’s face, the occasional “OH’s” and “AH’s”. This might be sandwiched on the list between getting caught jerking off and farting in front of your girlfriend for the first time. As much as this couple drives me nuts for being in the news for absolutely no reason, Dr. Drew easily tops them. Fuckin’ guys always criticizing people and belittling them and making himself seem superior. That’s why I thought it was a great moment when he thought he caught this bitch in a lie and then BAM! Sorry Doc it was just a bone we were looking at. Tits are real. Drew’s face was priceless like ‘give me that goddamn probe, there’s no way!’ I don’t blame you for thinking that though Drew. No girls from my school looked like this when I was 17 either.