New York: The city that doesn’t sleep. Also, the city that will chew you up and spit you out without even looking back. Home to one of the biggest homeless populations in America (ironic) and probably #1 on most terrorists ‘most likely places to attack’ list, NYC has tons of shit stains. Let’s look at a list of my top 10. Agree to disagree NY!
Wanna drink a large soda? Trying to feed your infant baby formula? Need to get to work the day after a snow storm? Not in his city! Mayor Bloomberg has not only extended the term a mayor can be in office so he can stick around, but he’s also started to take away liberties that make America the home of the free. Sneaking into the top 10, Bloomberg finds home at 10.
9. Subway at Night/Weekend
So it’s Friday night and you’ve just dropped a ton of money at the bar. You just want to get home without spending more money so you go down to the subway only to wait for the next train which is coming in 30 MINUTES. To make things even worse, you have to piss and you’re surrounded by other drunk people who look like characters from Wizard of Oz. Then there’s the boyfriend/girlfriend who have gotten into their regular inebriated argument over who is drunker and/or who they were flirting with at the bar. No taxi fare is too high to get me out of Satan’s asshole and home quick enough to go to bed!
8. Smell of Garbage in the Summer
There’s something about the city in the summertime that makes it an amazing place to live. With that being said, on the opposite end of the spectrum is garbage night. This is when every apartment, restaurant, and occupied space piles all of their trash on the sidewalk. The combination of what is in those trash bags mixed with the stifling summer heat creates a bitter musk that cannot be described in words. Picture the smell of bad milk mixed with raw sewage mixed with body odor. As Ron Burgundy said ‘it stings the nostrils.’ I’m not even going to get into the kitten sized rats this shit attracts.
Need to get uptown in a hurry? The good part is that our cabbies will get you there pretty fast. The bad part is that you may or may not hit a few people/objects on the way and it will still cost you around $20 depending on the time of day. The smell in the cab is sometimes similar to that of ‘garbage day in the summer’ and your options of entertainment are ‘Talk Stoop’ on the TV or listening to Habib durka durka into his hands-free. Still, like I said before, it’s this or the subway so whatever you can tolerate.
6. Dog Shit on the Sidewalks
Maybe this is a bigger problem on the Upper West Side then anywhere else in the city but walking anywhere up here is like walking on a minefield in Iraq. I literally have to keep my head down or I’m bound to step in dog shit. Even when the dog owners make an attempt to clean up after their dogs it seems like they just smear it in. Nothing like walking to work and standing in the elevator with everyone sniffing, looking around and you realize you have some french bulldog’s shit all over your shoe. Makes for a great Monday.
5. Times Square
The traffic, the noise, the sucker attractions that bring people here worldwide is just too much. I get it. The first time you see it, it’s actually pretty amazing but for people who live here, we know better. Stay away! Nothing but inflated prices, nowhere to go and if there was one person in this world who deserved the death penalty for being a douche bag it’s the Naked Cowboy. Hey, look up! We’re on TV on the side of that building! Cool, let me stand here and wave while people try to walk by!
4. Panhandlers and the other assholes who bother you on the sidewalk
“Do you like comedy?” “Check out my latest rap CD” “I just need a quarter to get buy a bus ticket home.” “Have time for gay rights?” All lines you will hear from the most annoying, persistent people on earth. I’ve literally had a guy walk side by side with my for 3 city blocks before he decided to give up and try on someone else. Un-fuckin’-real. I can say the meanest, most fucked up things and these people will still smile and look at me like I just bought them ice cream. Yes, it’s illegal but NYPD has much bigger fish to fry like the woman riding her bike outside the bike lane or the guy who jumped the turnstile in the subway.
3. Bikers/Messengers/Delivery Guys
That 80s movie with Kevin Bacon is no joke. That’s exactly how it is in NYC with messengers and all bikers for that matter. These suicidal dickweeds swerve in and out of traffic and when they get cut off or hit, look at you like you were driving your car through the middle of a park. These people have their own ‘Bike Lane’ in many areas of the city but still pedal down the middle of 9th ave doing 35 MPH just to get that Wall St. guy his divorce papers on time. Just a heads up. I’m still waiting for the day that I get the ‘WALK’ signal and cross the street only to get smoked by a delivery guy doing 25 MPH the wrong way down Amsterdam. Happens all the time.
No brainer here at #2. New York City has to be one of the most expensive places to live. Period. Home of the $7 beer, $15 cheeseburger, and $3 bottle of water. Key is to find to small, cheap mom-pop places where the prices are a little bit lower but either way it’s more then other cities. Living paycheck to paycheck is not the way anyone really wants to live but it’s part of the sacrifice to live here. Rent goes up every year and the general cost of living is higher than ever. I remember complaining to my neighbor once and I’ll never forget her saying ‘take your credit card out of your wallet and bring $40 cash to the bar.’ I’m not a chick who will have guys buy me drinks all night and $40 will get me 4 beers after tip. Some Saturday that would turn out to be!
They stop to look at their map. They stop to take pictures of the tall buildings. They stop to hear the drunk hobos story of how he ended up that way. Tourists are by far the WORST thing about NYC. Don’t even give me the shit about ‘tourists keep the NY economy going.’ The rent (see above) and other living expenses I pay each month could keep large villages in Africa alive for a year. Thank you for spending money here but we will survive. It’s not that bad when they are all wrangled in Times Square but as soon as they venture out, it’s literally like Eddie Murphy in Coming to America. Sir/Ma’am, if the money doesn’t have a US President on it, we don’t accept it. And I can only understand every 5 words out of your mouth so grab a translator or start pointing cause the line here at Shake Shack is now wrapped around the corner and growing. By far the WORST!