Ashton Kutcher Is The Father Of January Jones’ Baby? Of Course He Is!

According to Hollywood Life, an Internet rumor is going around suggesting Ashton Kutcher is the father of his ex January Jones‘ baby because it’s pretty much a given at this point he either hates Demi Moore‘s vagina or it’s officially morphed into a Sarlacc pit as they are wont to do over time. Anyway, let me just shoot this rumor down with my extensive knowledge of January Jones if extensive knowledge means I dubbed her kid “Revenge Baby” and called it a day: If there’s one thing January Jones hates more than anything – I’m talking even more than not having a child out of spite. – it’s Ashton Kutcher. The guy spent their whole relationship telling her she’d never make it as an actress, except one of them is on the critically acclaimed Mad Men (For the sake of argument, just ignore everything I said about her in X-Men: First Class.), and the other just replaced Charlie Sheen on a sitcom geared towards people who like Applebee’s. And even if that anger manifested itself into a night of unprotected hate banging, I can almost guarantee January would’ve blown up his marriage to make up for all those times he negged her into the sack because I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, January Jones loves revenge. She shoots it out of her uterus.

Yes! I called it. Right after that slut called out Ashton I KNEW shit like this was gonna start coming out. It’s gonna be another Tiger Woods all over again and next up, January Jones. Ashton you better have Tiger’s PR team on hand cause shit is about to get ugly. Why else would Jones be so tight lipped about who the father is? In 5 years it won’t matter if we still don’t know cause the kid will look exactly like him, have a horrible acting career, and marry/cheat on a woman twice his age. The cats out of the bag Ashton!

Let’s Rate Ashton Kutcher’s Mistress

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Sorry Demi but in with the new and out with the old. Good for you Ashton. The whole time I was hearing this story break thinking to myself ‘this chick better be smoking hot to replace Demi Moore’ and sure enough releases these photos. This chick mixed with a little bit of alcohol and Demi who? I am 100% aboard the Sara Leal train and we are full speed, next stop divorce court. Yes, shes 25 years younger than Demi minus a lot of plastic surgery but look at what she also brings to the table. A smokin’ hot face with a slammin’ body. The only thing is that she looks a little on the crazy side in some of her other photos. I feel like this is Tiger Woods all over again and if you think this is the last chick to come forward saying they hooked up with Ashton Kutcher while he was married you’re crazy! This is probably just the tip of the dick–i mean iceberg. Ashton, you get a pat on the back of approval as long as you don’t have an Arnold Schwarzenegger kind of chick come out saying you banged her.