Tag: attempted murder

Brutal Machete Attack In Paterson, NJ

subwaycreatures

 

Paterson, you’ve been quiet for a while. Glad to see you still have it in you to make headlines every now and then. Growing up in the Paterson area, there’s one thing I always knew: Stay away from all fried chicken places after sundown! These places turn into the bar in ‘From Dusk Til Dawn’. Killer creatures coming out of everywhere with machetes and shit. I was waiting for George Clooney to come through the window and save the day but even he knows to stay out of fried chicken stores in Paterson after dark. You go in for a drum stick, thigh, and maybe some rice on the side and you leave on a stretcher.

Also, does this guy just casually walk around with a machete in his pants? Not really sure what that machete was made of either cause after 14 hacks with it I was expecting that poor guy to look like a Yankee in pinstripes but I didn’t even notice any blood.

Woman Saved When Breast Implant Stops Knife From Reaching Her Heart

subwaycreatures

From Pravda, the story of a Moscow woman who was stabbed in the heart by her husband, but whose silicone breast implants absorbed the blade, preventing her from dying. Fake tits save lives. Because the implants — inserted five years prior, at the request of the husband — were so large, the knife “did not even reach the thorax.”

 

Well ain’t that a bitch! The very money you spent on your wife’s fake tits comes back to haunt you in the long run. How big were these monsters that the knife couldn’t even reach this chick’s heart? And what must they have felt like?! My advice to this guy? Stab her ANYWHERE else on her body. Why would you go for the one spot that she has the most padding?! I know hindsight is always 20/20 but if you really want your wife dead, I’m just saying plan it out better.