Man Drinks Gasoline, Lights Cigarette, Guess What Happens Next?

HuffPost: HAVELOCK, N.C. — Police say a North Carolina man is dead after he accidentally drank from a jar of gasoline and then smoked a cigarette. Havelock police received a 911 call about 9:55 p.m. Monday after 43-year-old Gary Allen Banning set himself on fire. Banning was transported to UNC Burn Center in Chapel Hill, where he died early Tuesday morning. City spokeswoman Diane Miller said investigators believe Banning was at a friend’s apartment when he apparently mistook a jar of gasoline sitting by the kitchen sink for a beverage. After taking a gulp, he spit the gas out and got some on his clothes. Sometime later, investigators say Banning went outside to smoke a cigarette and burst into flame. Havelock police and the city fire marshal are continuing their investigation.

Continuing their investigation? Sounds like an open and shut case to me. This might sound crazy but do you know why you aren’t allowed to smoke at gas stations? Rumor has it that gasoline is highly flammable. So if you just so happen to get some on you, or even drink some, you’re considered highly flammable. But leave it up to someone in the south to have gasoline sitting in a jar on the counter so someone can mistakenly drink it. At least they said it was a mistake. I call bullshit. You can smell gasoline from a mile away so I’m trying to understand how one might accidentally pick up a jar of it and drink it like it’s a Big Gulp from 7-11. Anyway I hope kids learn the lesson from this story…don’t live in the south.

Lady Luck

Let’s make one thing clear right off the bat, this is not a sudden earthquake in the subway. No, this chick is as fucked up as Courtney Love and she picked the worst timing possible to try out that new dance move everyone has been telling her about. Oh! Trying to sneak a nice little ciggie in before your train ride, huh? Your body is at the point of the night where it says “fuck you! I’m done!” (Trust me, I’ve been there) Playing dead is not the way I would personally deal with this situation as a train is bearing down on you but hey, what do I know? She honestly doesn’t move like she’s in Jurassic Park and the train is a T-Rex. And who saw that ending coming?! The train stops right above her lifeless body and everyone is OK? I think not. What about all the people in that front car of the train who are probably piled on top of each other right now because of how fast that train went from 60-0 MPH?

The injustice here is that we don’t get the audio of what that conductor says when she opens the front door of the train to find this bitch passed out. “The fuck is this bitch doing under ma goddamn train?! I’ll tell you what sugar, by the time I’m done with you, you gon’ wish this train ran ya ass ova!” God I love impressions but I seriously hope drunkie went straight to the store and bought a Powerball ticket. Either way she’s gonna die because they didn’t make 5 Final Destinations for nothing.