I don’t think it’s been since the whole Manti Te’o fiasco that I’ve been so intrigued by a story in the news. Just so many mind blowing facts that keep coming out that makes this story get weirder and weirder. Stolen passports? Passengers phones are still ringing? The Malaysia military tracked the plane an hour after it just fell off radar? Absolutely no sign of debris or oil or ANYTHING? What the fuck, man? And forget talking to people about this. All the sudden everyone is a goddamn aviation expert on missing aircraft and concocting ridiculous theories. I’m actually shocked I didn’t wake up this morning to see the New York Post calling the two Iranian passengers terrorists on the front page of their paper. Everything from aliens, to asteroids, to the show LOST, everyone is collectively putting together the greatest blockbuster film of our era. That being said, 239 people are MIA and that’s not funny. Unfortunately at this point, I think the BEST scenario is that the plane was hijacked and at an abandoned air field right now. But goddamn is this a weird story!
They say a picture speaks a thousand words. Matthew Fox’s mugshot released today speaks a billion. If you haven’t heard by now, he was arrested in Cleveland, Ohio for punching a female bus driver right in the baby maker. That’s right! Jack Shepard, the chosen one, straight upper hooking Mrs. Crabtree where the sun don’t shine. I thought the story was as weird as the plot to Lost anyway, but when I saw this mugshot I couldn’t stop laughing. Just look at him! You know at this point in the police station he had those uncontrollable sniffles and hiccups. You know, the ones where snot is just oozing out of your nose like a Garbage Pail Kid and you’re just trying to concentrate on breathing. The officer taking this pic was probably beside himself. ‘Hey Jack! Grab hold of yourself and take a deep fuckin’ breath!’ Good to see he’s taking care of himself though. Probably weighs around 230 lbs according to this picture and looks like he’s been on a week long bender. And in Cleveland no less! He must have been drinking at ‘The Bar’ downtown. Appropriately named since it’s the only one there. The Lost jokes are endless so no point in taking that road but I will give money to the person who can look at this mugshot with a straight face!
DListed.com – Before we get back on Matthew Fox’s Dharma party van of pussy punches, I should let you know that mug shot isn’t really Matthew Fox and has been around for years. I know. I wish that after Matthew allegedly right hooked a trick in the tit, he wept like a strained turtle whose head is too fat to hide in its shell during his mug shot session.
CNN says that prosecutors in Cleveland have charged Dr. Jack Shepard with assault for acting like a drunk assbag when he threw fists at a (to be read in the slurry voice of a boozed bitch with a party yard long cup in hand) PAAAAAAAARTY BUUUUUS driver when she refused to let him on. The party bus driver Heather Bormann said that Matthew punched her in the legs, but his fists eventually ended up on her chichi sacks and coochie zone. Heather turned off Matthew’s punches by fisting him in the face. Matthew was detained by the police that night but quickly released. Prosecutors took pictures of the bruises that Matthew left on Heather’s arms and legs. Matthew has said nothing about this so far.
Let’s see. Jin was busted for DUI. Libby was busted for DUI. Ana Lucia was busted for DUI. Mr. Eko was busted for driving without a license. And now Matthew Fox. The LOST curse will never leave the island! The smoke monster, that dead polar bear, Sawyer, Hurley, Ben and the others better keep their fists in their ass cracks and act right on the PAAAAAARTY BUUUUS or this could be them! I’ve heard that Kate can’t get even get arrested in this town, so that bitch is safe. Lucky for her.