Man Arrested For Having Sex With Teddy Bear…For The 4th Time

Cincinnati, Ohio (The Weekly Vice) – Charles Marshall, a 28-year-old Cincinnati man was jailed Wednesday after he was allegedly caught having sex with a teddy bear in a public place. The arrest marks the fourth time he has been arrested for the same charge. According to Cincinnati Police, Marshall was apprehended near the Elm Street Health Clinic after employees spotted him masturbating with a teddy bear in an alley and called police. When officers arrived, he was still masturbating with the bear. Investigators say this is the fourth time Marshall had been arrested for similar charges since 2010. In the past, he had received short stays in prison and was ordered to pay small fines. In 2010, we was ordered to stay away from all public libraries in Hamilton County, Ohio after a witness saw him masturbating with a stuffed animal in a public restroom. He was arrested again in 2010 and in 2011. It is unclear whether Marshall used the same teddy bear on every occasion. Marshall was booked into jail and charged with engaging in public indecency and disorderly conduct.
Every once in a while a stuffed animal will come along that will catch your eye and you know right then and there that you have to bang it. After all, it’s love at first sight. Well, not really but that’s the world Charles Marshall is living in. The movie ‘TED’ must be like hardcore porn for this dude!

Topless Woman In G-String Leads Police On 128 MPH Chase

Daily Mail:

A topless, drunken woman led police on a car chase along route 422 at speeds of up to 128mph before surrendering to officers. Erin B. Holdsworth, 28, of Hiram, Ohio, was found to be wearing only fishnet stockings, a g-string and high heels when she was arrested in Auburn Township. Officers used stingers along the highway to disable two of Holdsworth’s tires and she was forced to pull over on the side of the road a short time later. When they approached her vehicle, the nearly-naked woman got out and staggered across the road before she was handcuffed. She has been charged with operating a vehicle impaired (OVI), refusing a blood alcohol test, fleeing and eluding, criminal damage, driving under a suspended licence, speeding and reckless operation at Chardon Municipal Court. Chief Jon Bokovitz, of the Bainbridge Police Department, said Holdsworth was taken to a Geauga County Safety Center after her arrest on October 11, before she was released pending the charges, Fox News reported.

Thank you Ohio, just another gem to add to your resume. Topless, in a g-string, and wearing sneakers sounds pretty close to most girls Halloween costumes and with Halloween right around the corner are we sure blondie wasn’t coming from a costume party? And how classy was she in that cop car? Tattoos up her legs and screaming in some devilish tone. Love this move right here:
Speaking of Halloween, hope to see people at the Westside Beer Garden on Saturday night on 33rd and 8th. Free admission before 10PM and $10 after that. Costumes a must and password is ‘beaver’. Can’t make this shit up!

So About Those Crazy, Exotic Animals In Ohio…

ZANESVILLE, Ohio – Townspeople cowered indoors Wednesday as deputies with high-powered rifles hunted down and killed lions, bears and dozens of other exotic beasts that escaped from a wild-animal preserve after the owner, Terry Thompson, threw their cages open and committed suicide. After an all-night hunt, at least 30 of the 48 escaped animals had been gunned down. As of mid-morning, officers were still hunting for a grizzly bear, mountain lion and monkey. Schools closed, parents were warned to keep children and pets indoors and flashing signs along highways told motorists, “Caution exotic animals” and “Stay in vehicle.” Thompson left the cages open and the fences unsecured, releasing dozens of animals, including lions, tigers, bears and wolves, before committing suicide, said Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz. Authorities would not say how he killed himself and no suicide note was found. Lutz wouldn’t speculate on why he committed suicide. But Thompson had had repeated run-ins with the law, and Lutz said the sheriff’s office had received numerous complaints since 2004 about animals at the property.


I’m sorry but is that a full grown fuckin’ lion right there? Terry Thompson, didn’t you read about the lady who tried to raise an ape and it ate her face off? And that was just one animal! You’ve got the entire fuckin’ 6 Flags Safari going on in your backyard and somehow you’ve been allowed to have this all this time? Ohio, I just don’t get it. You did this to yourself. No one told Terry he couldn’t have these animals and look what happened. You’re just lucky no one was hurt other than Terry who popped his own head off. I couldn’t stop thinking about the Island of Dr. Moreau while watching all of this go down. Animals just teaming up to try to take over Ohio. I’ll tell ya we would probably be better off.

If I were an Ohio cop, I don’t know if I would be excited or scared out of my mind to hunt these animals. ‘Hey, grab your rifle and elephant bullets. We’re going big game hunting tonight! Tonight?? You mean in the dark? I think I’ll keep an eye on Jamal in his cell, but thanks for the invite.



Matthew Fox Might Have The Funniest Mughsot I’ve Ever Seen

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. Matthew Fox’s mugshot released today speaks a billion. If you haven’t heard by now, he was arrested in Cleveland, Ohio for punching a female bus driver right in the baby maker. That’s right! Jack Shepard, the chosen one, straight upper hooking Mrs. Crabtree where the sun don’t shine. I thought the story was as weird as the plot to Lost anyway, but when I saw this mugshot I couldn’t stop laughing. Just look at him! You know at this point in the police station he had those uncontrollable sniffles and hiccups. You know, the ones where snot is just oozing out of your nose like a Garbage Pail Kid and you’re just trying to concentrate on breathing. The officer taking this pic was probably beside himself. ‘Hey Jack! Grab hold of yourself and take a deep fuckin’ breath!’ Good to see he’s taking care of himself though. Probably weighs around 230 lbs according to this picture and looks like he’s been on a week long bender. And in Cleveland no less! He must have been drinking at ‘The Bar’ downtown. Appropriately named since it’s the only one there. The Lost jokes are endless so no point in taking that road but I will give money to the person who can look at this mugshot with a straight face!


UPDATE! – Before we get back on Matthew Fox’s Dharma party van of pussy punches, I should let you know that mug shot isn’t really Matthew Fox and has been around for years. I know. I wish that after Matthew allegedly right hooked a trick in the tit, he wept like a strained turtle whose head is too fat to hide in its shell during his mug shot session.

CNN says that prosecutors in Cleveland have charged Dr. Jack Shepard with assault for acting like a drunk assbag when he threw fists at a (to be read in the slurry voice of a boozed bitch with a party yard long cup in hand) PAAAAAAAARTY BUUUUUS driver when she refused to let him on. The party bus driver Heather Bormann said that Matthew punched her in the legs, but his fists eventually ended up on her chichi sacks and coochie zone. Heather turned off Matthew’s punches by fisting him in the face. Matthew was detained by the police that night but quickly released. Prosecutors took pictures of the bruises that Matthew left on Heather’s arms and legs. Matthew has said nothing about this so far.

Let’s see. Jin was busted for DUI. Libby was busted for DUI. Ana Lucia was busted for DUI. Mr. Eko was busted for driving without a license. And now Matthew Fox. The LOST curse will never leave the island! The smoke monster, that dead polar bear, Sawyer, Hurley, Ben and the others better keep their fists in their ass cracks and act right on the PAAAAAARTY BUUUUS or this could be them! I’ve heard that Kate can’t get even get arrested in this town, so that bitch is safe. Lucky for her.