New Cologne Helps Cheating Husbands Mask Smells


Thanks to groundbreaking innovation in the aftershave industry, men making excuses about their strip clubs visits can now have smells to back them up. Metro reports that Mavericks strip club in South Africa has launched a line of “Alibi” aftershave products designed to make men smell the way they would if their excuses for staying out late were actually legit. “My Car Broke Down,” for example, smells like fuel, burnt rubber grease and steel, according to Metro. But Margy Bons of Operation Homefront told KNXV the cologne is unlikely to keep women from sniffing out the truth. “If he’s coming home at 1 o’clock in the morning, I don’t care. You can wear Alibi all you want, we’re still gonna have to look for that alibi,” Bons told the station. Also doubtful of the product’s usefulness, JOE’s Amy Wall notes that other, more traditional options are already available to sneaky men. “Apparently people would actually wear an aftershave that smells like burnt rubber,” Wall wrote. “We wonder why they wouldn’t just take a shower instead?”


And who are the men that this product is made for? The men that are unfortunately married to these women who remind me of ‘The View.’ Christ, how annoying are they? Know-it-alls who think it would never happen to them and they could sniff out a cheater a mile away. It’s all giggles and jokes during this segment, meanwhile their husbands are showering themselves in Alibi as they speak. ‘If your husband is out there buying Alibi…you know! There’s no secret there!’ Yea, that’s why you won’t know if he’s buying Alibi. Because he won’t tell you just like he won’t tell you that he’s had his face buried in a stripper tits all night. ‘Yea, but you can’t hide the bottle!’ Hiding the bottle isn’t the hard part, it’s the glitter on my face I would be worried about.

Side Note: Since when were strip clubs such a bad place for married men to be? Big deal, he’s watching a naked chick dance on stage. At least he’s not out banging your best friend behind your back. You can only cage an animal for so long…


Woman Jumps In Front Of F-Train After Hearing Of Kim K. And Kris Humphries Divorce

Last night, just before 8 p.m., a young woman jumped from the platform onto the tracks as a Brooklyn-bound F train pulled into the Delancey/Essex Street station. Passengers were quickly removed from the train (though some were stuck in the dark for up to 30 minutes) as the FDNY pulled the woman from the tracks. But on the plus side, it appears the woman will be okay? According to Animal New York, “The conductor was reportedly overheard telling her, ‘Just don’t move, okay?’ and she responded, ‘Okay.'” The FDNY tells us that the woman, whose name and age they didn’t have, was transported to Bellevue “alert and conscious.” The MTA had no further information on the incident.


Well, she didn’t really jump in front of the train because of Kim Kardashian’s divorce but it wouldn’t surprise me if she did it because she couldn’t take hearing about it in the news anymore. I was tempted myself when I saw that C-Train speeding into the station this morning, but this is exactly how my luck would go. I can’t take hearing about the Kardashians and Biebers and occupy wall street anymore so I throw myself onto the tracks of an oncoming train only to break my arm and have to pay thousands of dollars in medical bills. Life’s a bitch sometimes isn’t it?

Sox Pitcher, John Lackey Divorces Wife With Breast Cancer

Boston Red Sox pitcher John Lackey has filed to divorce his wife, Krista … who is in the middle of battling breast cancer. Lackey filed on August 30, according to court docs in Texas, claiming “the marriage has become insupportable because of discord or conflict of personalities.” Krista and John got married in November, 2008. Sources close to the family tell TMZ … Krista underwent a double mastectomy back in March and underwent chemo as recently as June. The divorce petition says John and Krista had a prenup. It also says Lackey has “separate property” he wants to keep for himself. Lackey filed the divorce papers using only his and Krista’s initials — a tactic Tony Parker and Eva Longoria … and Sandra Bullock and Jesse James also used in their Texas divorces. It’s unclear why Lackey — who’s struggled on the field all season long — didn’t wait til the off-season, about a month from now, to start divorce proceedings. Lackey’s camp had no comment.


What a class act from a has-been pitcher who barely has a record of .500 and an ERA as high as Snoop Dogg during the ‘Up In Smoke’ tour. But that’s probably your wife’s fault too, right? I don’t care if she no longer has breasts, you’re walking out on her during a time when she needs you the most? And she’s HOT on top of all of it. Karma always has a way of coming around and you, Mr. Lackey, are what we call fucked. And not just any fucked. We’re talking the kind of fucked that New England Patriots fans felt when Eli released that ball and all you could see was a WIDE OPEN Plaxico Burress in the corner of the end zone. Your wife is going to beat the breast cancer, have reconstructive surgery, and fuck every player on the New York Yankees, bat boys included. I promise you, my fingers are crossed!