Man Has Nuts Ripped To Shreds By Crocodile

A 70-year-old man from Zimbabwe narrowly escaped a crocodile attack as he crossed the Chivake River with his pants off — but he lost part of his testicles and suffered a few broken bones in the melee. Jonah Maturure told the Sunday News that he’d taken off his trousers and put them in a tomato box above his head before he crossed the river. He’d crossed the same spot in the same river several times before, but this time, a giant croc was waiting for him. “I was not suspecting anything … But when I was almost in the middle of the river I was attacked,” he told the news website. “It mauled a chunk of my buttocks before attacking my manhood, tearing my testicles into shreds. The skin covering my manhood was partly torn but I quickly put my thumb in its mouth … It then grabbed my hand and I could hear my bones cracking.” Realizing that he wasn’t going to save his personal possessions, he threw his tomato box in the river, The Sun reported. That move may have saved his life. The beast loosened its death grip and swam straight for the tomato box. Maturure escaped, bleeding profusely from his nethers, and ran to a nearby house for help. The battle was just one of a string of crocodile attacks recently in Gutu, an area with a spread-out population of just 78 people per mile.


Wouldn’t wanna live through this. That’s all I was thinking while reading this. But hey, you cross a murky river with no pants on just dangling your dick in a croc’s face, you get what you deserve, right?

No way in fuckin’ hell I would cross a river in Zimbabwe, pants or not. I’ve watched way too much Planet Earth to know better than that. Croc’s are just the beginning of what would swallow your dick whole. Piranhas, snakes, and hippos are all on the list of animals that would love to just rip your manhood off and not even think twice about it. If I watched a croc eat my balls off and feed them to it’s young, I would swim over and let it finish the job. No point in living after that but something tells me Jonah will be taking the long way around the river next time.


Man Stunned When Daughter Shows Up After He Orders Hooker


Daily Record:

A MAN hired a prostitute to come to his hotel room – and answered the door to his own daughter. Titus Ncube, a married father-of-three, collapsed to the floor with shock while his daughter, 20, fled the hotel in tears. Mr Ncube, from Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, said he was having marital problems and decided to rent a room in a local hotel, followed by a prostitute. He said: “I am sorry for what I did. I spoke to my wife and daughter. I apologised for my actions as I just wanted my family back. My daughter has stopped doing what she was doing and is going back to school next year. My marital problems are not over, but we have a counsellor who is helping us to get over this most difficult period.” His wife Rosemary said: “If it were not for my children, I could have divorced him a long time ago. But because of the trauma that divorce has on children, I decided to stay.”


Way to take your problems and make them 10X worse Titus. Here’s what I want to know though. Who came out with all of this info? I mean the dad is just as guilty as the daughter so I don’t know why he’s telling anyone anything. Some things should be left unsaid and he probably should have taken this one to the grave. Now people on the other side of the world are reading about your awkward encounter. The mother/wife is the biggest loser in this whole scandal. She finds out all in one shot that her husband is a cheating fuck and her daughter is a skank. I’m sure this happens more often than we know it’s just most people don’t run to the press about it.


Man Claims Prostitute Turned Into A Donkey During Sex


A man caught having sex with a donkey told a court in Zimbabwe the animal was actually a prostitute who turned into a donkey in the night. Sunday Moyo, 28, was found by police officers performing a sex act on the donkey, who was lying on the ground tied to a tree, just after 4:00am local time, a court in Zvishavane, about 185 miles (300 kilometers) south of the capital Harare, heard. He was arrested Monday in the Mandava township of Zvishavane and charged with bestiality, the New Zimbabwe newspaper reported. Admitting the crime, Moyo told the court, “Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested. I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town night club, and I don’t know how she then became a donkey.” He also claimed he was in love with the animal, telling the court, “I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with [the] donkey,” The Herald newspaper reported. Moyo was remanded in custody until Oct. 27 and will be examined by two government psychiatrists.

Wow what a day for blogging in the sex world. Was it a full moon last night or did I miss some weird sex holiday? We got pervs making out with cardboard cutouts, naked chicks running down highways, and now Moyo here got caught banging a donkey that he swears started out as a prostitute he picked up at a night club. Now this might be an ignorant question but where the hell are there night clubs in Zimbabwe? When I think of Zimbabwe I think The Lion King and I’m pretty sure other than that crazy monkey tree, there were no night clubs in that movie.

Moyo here clearly had the ultimate beer goggles on the night before. He actually mistook a donkey for a decent looking hooker only to wake up and find out he had his dick in a different kind of ass. But now the worst part is that he’s in love with the donkey. Common mistake Moyo. You never fall in love when you have to pay for the sex and $20 at that! You can’t turn a donkey into a housewife so get over it and move on.