Man Nearly Blows His Head Off With Shot Gun

 

Remember growing up when your parents would always tell you not to put your face over the fireworks you were about to light? Well this is kinda like that only with a high powered shot gun. People like this deserve to get Kurt Cobain’d because if you’re stupid enough to put your face over the barrel of a shot gun that you just pumped 2 rounds into, I can’t feel bad for you. If the hat you’re wearing on your head has a hole in it that looks like a gaping asshole, you know something went wrong. Now go buy a lottery ticket because today is your lucky day.

Man Has Nuts Ripped To Shreds By Crocodile

A 70-year-old man from Zimbabwe narrowly escaped a crocodile attack as he crossed the Chivake River with his pants off — but he lost part of his testicles and suffered a few broken bones in the melee. Jonah Maturure told the Sunday News that he’d taken off his trousers and put them in a tomato box above his head before he crossed the river. He’d crossed the same spot in the same river several times before, but this time, a giant croc was waiting for him. “I was not suspecting anything … But when I was almost in the middle of the river I was attacked,” he told the news website. “It mauled a chunk of my buttocks before attacking my manhood, tearing my testicles into shreds. The skin covering my manhood was partly torn but I quickly put my thumb in its mouth … It then grabbed my hand and I could hear my bones cracking.” Realizing that he wasn’t going to save his personal possessions, he threw his tomato box in the river, The Sun reported. That move may have saved his life. The beast loosened its death grip and swam straight for the tomato box. Maturure escaped, bleeding profusely from his nethers, and ran to a nearby house for help. The battle was just one of a string of crocodile attacks recently in Gutu, an area with a spread-out population of just 78 people per mile.

 

Wouldn’t wanna live through this. That’s all I was thinking while reading this. But hey, you cross a murky river with no pants on just dangling your dick in a croc’s face, you get what you deserve, right?

No way in fuckin’ hell I would cross a river in Zimbabwe, pants or not. I’ve watched way too much Planet Earth to know better than that. Croc’s are just the beginning of what would swallow your dick whole. Piranhas, snakes, and hippos are all on the list of animals that would love to just rip your manhood off and not even think twice about it. If I watched a croc eat my balls off and feed them to it’s young, I would swim over and let it finish the job. No point in living after that but something tells me Jonah will be taking the long way around the river next time.

 

Meet The Man With Half A Head, Halfy

 

So Halfy here had parts of his brain and skull removed after he was driving on drugs, hit a pole, and flew through his front windshield. Somehow doctors were able to save him and just like any person who was just used as a human projectile, Halfy is right back at it smoking weed on Youtube. I mean, the brain is so overrated anyway, right? Other than people being able to eat cereal out of the top of his head, I was trying to think of other advantages to having this guys dome. Maybe half price hair cuts, he gets high that much quicker, and immune to zombies. So, uh, pretty much it blows.

Rescued Dog Bites News Anchor In Face

A dog rescued from an icy pond in the US may be put down after it bit a news anchor during a live television interview. Kyle Dyer was rushed to hospital after being bitten by Max, an Argentine Mastiff, on a Colorado’s 9NEWS morning program on Wednesday morning. Max was on the show after being pulled from a freezing reservoir by a firefighter on Tuesday after it fell through the ice while chasing a coyote. Dyer suffering bite wounds to her face and is in a “fair condition” at Denver Health Medical Centre. “I just adore dogs, but I’m especially happy to meet you after your story yesterday,” Dyer said to the mastiff as she patted him during the interview. “You’re gorgeous.” As the interview ended Dyer leaned in towards Max in a show of affection but the dog bared its teeth and snapped at the news anchor before owner Michael Robinson was able to restrain it.  Max’s owner will be cited for leash law violations, not having control of the dog and not vaccinating it for rabies. The animal is not showing signs of rabies but may be put down anyway.

 

This is the side of those obnoxious ASPCA commercials they don’t show you. You try to pet the dog and it decides to bite your face off. Shoulda left it in the frozen water cause now it’s right to the gas chamber right after the show. Love the reactions from everyone in the studio though. Trying to stay professional while this chicks lip hangs off her face like she had a stroke. Since the firefighters don’t budge from their seats, let’s kick it over to Gary for weather!

“OK…alright…OK.” Nice save Gary! Next time try not to react like you just walked in on your parents having sex.

Russian Woman Scores A Perfect 10 Out Of 10 After Getting Owned By Car

 

See, it’s funny cause she’s OK. Hunny, you’re crossing a highway in Russia. That tip toeing shit isn’t going to fly, especially when the chances of all of the motorists being drunk are pretty high. But I must commend her. She hit the windshield, flipped, landed on her head and still dusted her coat off, collected her bags, and got on with her day. One tough bitch! Russians I tell ya. Something else running through their veins over there.

Woman’s Bungee Cord Snaps Over Crocodile Infested Water

Buzzfeed:

Erin Laung Worth’s bungee cord snapped during her 350-foot jump over the Zambezi River in Africa. The Aussie tourist somehow survived the fall as well as the “croc-infested waters.”

Everyone always asks me ‘why don’t you live a little and do something like skydiving or bungee jumping.’ Well first off I’m horrified of heights but also sometimes when you skydive, the chute doesn’t open and sometimes when you bungee jump, the cord breaks after a 350 foot fall and you smack into crocodile infested water. Now luckily this chick survived somehow but you’ll never see me doing this. If I wanted to thrill seek I would go out to a bar in Harlem, get wasted, and try to find my way home walking. I like my odds better there.

Side Note: This video kind of reminded me of Indiana Jones: Temple of Doom

Russian Chick Somehow Walks Away From Polar Bear Attack

 

It might just be me but does this not look like the strangest place to see this? I understand it’s NORTHERN Russia but does that mean they have Coca-Cola polar bears walking down the streets downtown? I mean if they’re plane had just crashed on a tropical island where everything had strange ‘Dharma’ writing all over then that’s completely understandable of course. But when I hear polar bear I think Arctic conditions and seals and Eskimos. Is this how far global warming has come that the polar bears are now moving in next door in Russian towns?

Lady is lucky to be alive and we have to thank whoever was filming or else we wouldn’t have this little gem. I love how in these situations people keep the camera rolling, especially for the embarrassing pants fall. You know this person could of edited that part out before they posted this but decided it gave the video just a little bit more. Thank you Russia, for finally having the technology so we can see what your daily life is like. We don’t get polar bear attacks here too often.