Category: Funny

Woman Sues After Accident With Vibrator

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Huffington Post:

After horrific experience with a sex toy sent her to the hospital, a Northern California woman is a suing a Southern California “marital aid” manufacturer for personal injury and emotional duress. Yreka resident April Bonjour states in her suit that, late last year, she and her boyfriend were using a vibrator made by Pipedream Products when she suddenly noticed that something was wrong. “During usage I felt a sharp pain inside my vagina,” she wrote. “My boyfriend quickly removed the toy, it was covered with blood.” Bonjour initially thought she might have just started her period, but she realized something else was definitely happening when she continued to lose blood to the point where she began slipping in and out of consciousness. “My son was woken up so we could go to the hospital,” she wrote. “He thought it I was dying…[and] quite frankly so did I.” Once at the hospital, Bonjour’s condition stabilized after she was administered several pints of blood. After the incident, Bonjour attempted to get some compensation from the Pipedreams, but the company refused and she filed suit. SF Weekly notes that that Pipedream’s official company motto is, “We Don’t Make the Orgasm…We Make the Orgasm BETTER!”

 

I was waiting for this story to happen after they released the Googlher but I guess it didn’t even take that long. This story kinda reminds me of my first time. Confusion…crying…slipping in and out of consciousness. No hospital visit but I probably should have if you saw what this girl looked like. I feel for the kid here. Imagine getting woken up in the middle of the night because of this. How do you even begin to explain this one? ‘Son, we were using Mommy’s Pipedreams and shit went south. I didn’t but the situation did. But don’t worry, we’re going to be rich very soon to pay for your therapy.’

 

 

Biker Taken Out By Leaping Buck In Africa

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Hey Buck! You got the entire Serengeti to run and jump all over and you pick the ONE spot where this dude is riding his bike? This dude got hit like a defenseless receiver going across the middle on Ray Lewis. If you don’t think this buck did this on purpose then you’re out your goddamn mind! He’s sick and tired of the tourists, poachers, and Discovery Channel crews all over his land and he’s putting a stop to it. See if this guy thinks twice next time he’s pedaling through downtown Africa like James Franco in 127 hours.

The Google Powered Vibrator [NSFW]

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According to FAT’s Randy Sarafan:

The Googlher is a device which plugs into your computer and triggers a bullet vibrator any time that Google pings your web browser (with the aid of The Googlher Firefox Add-on). By doing so, The Googlher translates Google’s pervasive reach into highly stimulating vibrations for vaginal or anal web browsing. Mistrust and fear Google’s omnipotent ways no longer as the web giant profoundly soothes, touches, and moves you. This is perhaps the biggest thing to happen to augmented reality since the invention of methamphetamine.

 

Is there anything you can’t/won’t do Google? You basically run the world and now this shit! Unreal. Not really sure what the advantage of this thing is considering it’s not very portable and you need a pingback from Google to even power the fucker. But I’m sure as usual, Google is doing this just because they can.

Grocer Pleads Guilty To Giving Out Free Yogurt Samples Tainted With Semen

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MSNBC:

A grocery store worker accused of handing out a semen-tainted yogurt sample at an Albuquerque market pleaded guilty Thursday. Under terms of his plea agreement, Anthony Garcia admitted he tainted a sample of the yogurt he was handing out at Sunflower Market in January. He also admitted putting some of his semen on a plastic spoon that he placed with the yogurt. Garcia then approached a female customer and offered her a sample. “The criminal conduct to which Anthony Garcia pleaded guilty today is completely outrageous,” U.S. Attorney Kenneth J. Gonzales said after Garcia’s appearance in federal court. “No one should have to endure this type of experience simply because she or he accepts a food sample while shopping for groceries.” Garcia, 32, pleaded guilty to charges of adulterating food and making false statements to federal investigators. The woman told police that after tasting the sample, she spit on the floor several times and wiped her mouth on the garment she was wearing to get the taste out of her mouth. Investigators collected samples of the woman’s spit from the floor and took the garment she was wearing as evidence. Police say Garcia was linked to the yogurt through DNA samples. Authorities said Garcia then lied to investigators about the case. In court documents, federal prosecutors called the allegations “sickening and appalling.” Garcia faces up to three years of imprisonment to be followed by three years of supervised release. He has been in federal custody since his arrest in July and remained detained pending his sentencing, which has yet to be scheduled.

 

OK so what have we learned here today? 1) You can get up to 3 years for pulling the same prank that Van Wilder pulled. 2) The victim in this case is a spitter. 3) Police in New Mexico have so much free time that they treated this as if it were a multiple homicide crime scene. Did I read correctly that they took DNA samples of the woman’s spit off the floor plus confiscated her dress Monica Lewinsky style? I get that this was probably traumatizing for this lady but I can’t help but laugh when I think about what this guy’s face looked like as her spoon was going up to her lips. ‘Holy shit she’s actually gonna do it! She’s actually gonna do it! Ohhhhhh man! She did it!’ He totally gave himself up by his reaction, I’m convinced. Either way dude you’re gross and I will never try the free samples at the Trader Joe’s by me ever again. Thanks!

 

 

Woman Turns 100, Demands A Stripper At Her Party

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You shoot for the moon and you get a stripper.  I’m not gonna hate on you Claire, when I turn 100 there better be multiple strippers at my party. Strippers, alcohol, and loud music. I highly doubt I’ll make it that far with the lifestyle I have, but if I do, I wanna be motor boating until my heart stops. Are we sure this lady is definitely alive during all of this? Imagine living this long? She can’t even touch ‘Scorpion’ without someone spotting her hand because she’s so old. How much fun can that be? And does she talk? I wanna hear what this old bag has to say! She’s probably got the craziest stories to share. “Did I ever tell you about the time I played suck and blow during the Great Depression with Herbert Hoover?” Hey Claire, the times may have changed but you can never turn a ho into a housewife and that much I know.

Woman Saved When Breast Implant Stops Knife From Reaching Her Heart

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From Pravda, the story of a Moscow woman who was stabbed in the heart by her husband, but whose silicone breast implants absorbed the blade, preventing her from dying. Fake tits save lives. Because the implants — inserted five years prior, at the request of the husband — were so large, the knife “did not even reach the thorax.”

 

Well ain’t that a bitch! The very money you spent on your wife’s fake tits comes back to haunt you in the long run. How big were these monsters that the knife couldn’t even reach this chick’s heart? And what must they have felt like?! My advice to this guy? Stab her ANYWHERE else on her body. Why would you go for the one spot that she has the most padding?! I know hindsight is always 20/20 but if you really want your wife dead, I’m just saying plan it out better.