If I Ever Got This Friend Request I’d Delete My Facebook

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Averve:

What’s the best way to scare a guy into using a condom? How about sending him a creepy Facebook friend request from the baby he might have if he doesn’t use one? Brazilian agency AGE Isobar organized just such an insidious campaign for Olla condoms recently, as outlined in the case-study video below. The agency apparently targeted specific guys and created actual Facebook profiles for their unborn children (by tacking “Jr.” on to their names), who then attempt to friend Daddy. Kind of a clever idea, though labor intensive—and surely against Facebook’s usage guidelines.

 

I don’t need Facebook bad enough to be accepting friend requests from my future children. Delete that shit, lay low for a while, and good luck on your quest you little bastard. In all seriousness though what a dumb idea. If my brain didn’t tell me to use a condom, then what makes you think it’s going to tell me to think about recent friend requests I received on Facebook. Besides, everyone knows it’s impossible to get a girl pregnant if she’s on top. It’s pure science.

Miss Out On Paulina Gretzky’s Twitter Account? Don’t Worry, We Got You Covered

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Deadspin:

Paulina Gretzky, the 22-year-old daughter of The Great One, has closed her Twitter account. And it appears her father encouraged her to do so, at least according to this story in the Montreal Gazette:

“Having a nice sit down dinner with my dad about social media..haha,” Paulina Gretzky tweeted last week before closing her account.

Paulina apparently has done some modeling, acting, and singing, but she earned greater notoriety of late the new-fashioned way: by publicly posting party photos on the Internet. Her adventures caught the attention of The Chive a couple of weeks back, and the Toronto Star has speculated that her father encouraged her to knock it off because his name has been linked to a group that might buy the Maple Leafs. 

 

I’m not saying she’s the hottest thing to walk the planet but c’mon! It’s the greatest hockey player of all times daughter. She jumps a few pegs just for that alone. I wonder how that convo went? “Sorry hunny, I’m trying to buy the Toronto Maple Leafs so I’m gonna need you to take down your semi-pornographic and whorish pictures from Twitter and get a job.”

 

Kids Bring The Christmas Spirit To Mommy Early

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Youtube:

Mommy was not feeling well and had to stay in the bathroom longer than usual during which my two boys, ages 1 and 3 took my new bag of flour out of the cupboard and destroyed my house. This is from ONE 5lb bag. Don’t believe me? Hand a full bag to a 3 year old and see what happens.

 

What do you honestly expect Mom? You dress your kid like Oliver Twist and the Hamburglar and this is what you’ll get. Little Zack and his brother playing ‘flour bag explosion’. I love the little kid at the 1:49 mark. “See? See? See, ya dumb bitch? I dare you to leave me in a room by myself again!”

Transgender Gives Butt Implants With Fix-A-Flat And Other Random Items

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NYDailyNews:

A transgender woman in South Florida faces charges of practicing cosmetic surgery without a license, after police say she injected an unwitting patient’s buttocks with a handful of unsafe substances, including tire mender Fix-A-Flat, NBC reported. The botched butt implant sent the unidentified woman to the hospital, and landed Oneal Ron Morris, who is legally identified as a man, in cuffs. Miami Gardens Police arrested Morris, 30, on Friday, following an investigation by the Florida Department of Health. Sgt. William Bamford said the illegal procedure took place in May 2010, after the woman and Morris met to discuss details, according to ABC. “They agreed on the price of $700 for the procedure, which was intended for cosmetic purposes,” he said. The injection took place in a residential setting, where Morris shot a mix of cement, glue, mineral oil and tire sealant into the woman’s buttocks, ABC reported. “[A] short time later, she develops very serious pains, abdomen, throughout her body,” Bamford told the network affiliate. “She knows something’s wrong.” The woman rushed to Tampa General Hospital, where she was treated for infection and pneumonia, but would not divulge Morris’ name, according to the report. Hospital officials contacted the Dept. of Health, but it took investigators months to track down Morris. Police suspect there are other victims, and urge them to come forward.

Not for nothing but when you show up for your under-the-table surgery for butt implants and this walk of life shows up to do it, at what point do you say to yourself ‘hmmm, I really don’t want my ass to look like that thing’s. Maybe I shouldn’t go through with this.’ This woman really isn’t a good walking advertisement for herself so I’m gonna go ahead and presume that all of her clients are blind. I’m not too sure when black women all the sudden needed butt implants but I’m sure this idiots thought process was simple. ‘Fix-A-Flat is used to prevent tires from going flat, so it must also prevent asses from deflating.’ She was probably better off sticking an air pump up the woman’s ass and manually blowing it up. Just as effective.

Grandma Claims She Is Constantly Groped In Bed By A Ghost

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Daily Mail:

A grandmother claims she is being haunted by a poltergeist who continually gropes her as she tries to sleep. Doris Birch, of Herne Bay, began experiencing the nocturnal disturbances in her flat four months ago. The 73-year-old said: ‘It’s like an octopus. I was lying in bed when I felt this creepy pair of hands. ‘I kicked frantically and it went away. ‘I’ve tried sleeping without the duvet. But it started shaking my mattress. ‘I even threw the mattress off the bed and bought a new one but it has made no difference. ‘This is very creepy and is giving me the jitters. It’s harassing me. ‘I need to call in the Ghostbusters.’ Mrs Birch, who lives alone, says she has consulted a vicar who believes the disturbances are being caused by a ‘lost spirit’, according to the Canterbury Times. The former nursing home assistant has had a promise from a local husband-and-wife ghost hunting team to send the poltergeist packing. Spirit medium Ray Herne says he will draw the ghost into him while his wife Beryl will capture it in a ‘vortex of light’ and send it to the ‘other side’.

 

I can totally relate to this woman. Growing up through puberty I had nocturnal disturbances every other night and let me tell you, it made for long nights and weird mornings, especially when you’re sharing a room with your two brothers. Mrs. Birch needs to lighten up and go with the flow. Be happy someone stills wants to feel you up at 73-years old. It’s like that scene from Ghostbusters when Ray catches a hummer from the ghost floating over his bed. I would only hope that would happen to me but I don’t think ghosts are coming to NYC anytime soon.

Side note: I watched Ghostbusters every week growing up and never knew what was really going on in that scene until high school. Explains a lot about my childhood.

LeBron Victimizes Yet Another Kid Under The Rim

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Pretty sure this sums up LBJ’s career. Jumper, brick. Jumper, brick. Fuck it, dunk on a 14-year-old. I love the kid at the 0:42 mark who goes ‘You gotta make that!’ Nothing worse than getting shit talked to by a kid who can’t even drive. Then that smug asshole walks back to his seat all cocky like he just dunked on Dirk. I understand the lockout is hurting NBA players everywhere but go play flag football against college kids like Kevin Durant or play over seas like some of the other players. Stop embarrassing yourself on Youtube by Sandusky-ing kids under the rim.

Side note: You know after that second miss LBJ was thinking ‘goddamn it, this is gonna be all over the internet in an hour.’