The Uggs, the ‘sexy’ or ‘juicy’ sweatpants, NorthFace jackets, Las Vegas pictures with the #WhatHappensInVegas–it’s like I’m back in college all the sudden. This whole sketch just really called out every girl I’m friends with and I’m not sure if that says a lot about them or me. The funny part is that I already posted this on my personal Facebook account and of course it got a couple comments and likes but you can absolutely tell that every girl that saw it was thinking the same thing–“Fuck that, I’m not BASIC!” As they sit there telling their friend about their next cleanse with their misspelled name written on their Starbucks cup wearing Hunter rain boots because it’s cloudy outside.
Side note: How many days do we give it until a male version of this pops up from some feminist? Tomorrow?
You have to admit it’s somewhat fun to watch rich people crash these kinds of cars. Anyone who would dole out $400,000 for a Lamborghini Aventador seems like a real asshole and has a lot to compensate for. Yes–because I don’t have one, I’m going to say that. They weren’t hurt and if you can afford that car, let’s hope you could afford the insurance as well. Dick.
Paul Wallace, from The Supercar Scene, saw the smashed up Lamborghini shortly after the accident.
He said: “I got a call to say someone had reported the Lamborghini crash on Sloane Street.
“This car is known in London but I had never seen it before. From YouTube videos he enjoys revving the engine to create exhaust flames.
“It’s a very nice example of the Aventador so I wonder whether we’ll see it on the road again.
“The owner seemed young and was with a group of friends after the crash who all seemed relaxed bearing in mind the wreckage on the road.
Listen, no one was perfect when they had their first kiss. How could you be? You had 0 experience and only knew what you saw on TV and in the movies. Chances are, I was this kid back in middle school just pressing my face against a girl’s head and frog licking her lips while holding hand(s). In fact, if it was anything like my first experience this kid has a raging boner under that backpack. Only difference is, this couple is not only older, but doing it on the subway in year 2014 when every person from 5-years old to 90 have cell phones to record it. If you’re going to imitate a mother bird feeding her young in front of a group of people, you gotta be ready for that shit to hit the internet…hard! Oh to be young and in love again.
And THIS is why I’m never having kids. And I’m not talking about Gunner’s reaction. I’d be that guy who’d get fucked over with 3 out of my 4 kids being girls. Shit reminds me of when my mom got preggos when I was 16. OK…I’m cool with this. I’ll train this kid and he’ll grow up a 5 star athlete in just about every sport. Teach him the ropes of how to get girls and his life will be ridiculously easy. BAM! Hey Rick, it’s a girl! Cried just about as hard as Gunner here. Not the news I was expecting to hear. Kind of like when the Cleveland Indians were up on the Red Sox 3 games to 1 and lost in game 7. Hang in there Gunner. You’re in for the ride of your life!
Gawker: Ratzilla, the big ass rat that terrorized a Swedish family for weeks, is finally dead. Erik Korsas and his family first realized they had a problem when their pet cat refused to enter their kitchen. “We thought it could be a little mouse, but after a while we figured it couldn’t be because it was making too much noise,” Korsas’ wife, Signe Bengtsson, told The Local. Several days later she spotted a giant rat eating from her garbage can. “It was right there in our rubbish bin, a mighty monster. I was petrified. I couldn’t believe such a big rat could exist,” she said. “I couldn’t help but do the old classic and jump on the kitchen table and scream.” She called her husband, who was away on a business trip. “When my wife called I said ‘Yeah, sure, take it easy, I’ll be home on Sunday. But by then it had jumped into the waste bin and had a Swedish smörgåsbord with all the leftovers,” he said. For days, the family lived in horror, stomping loudly when they entered the kitchen to scare the hell rodent away. “By the time I got home, the rat was so domesticated that it just sat under the kitchen table,” Korsas said. Finally, Korsas called exterminators, who set a a trap. Eventually, the rat became trapped by its neck, but it refused to die right away; instead, it crawled behind the dishwasher, where it finally expired some time later. Korsas measured its body at 39 cm, or nearly 16 inches, not including the tail. He believes it reached the kitchen by gnawing through the wood and cement floor. “It was quite a shocking experience,” Bengtsson said in summary. “No one wanted to go into the kitchen after, and the cat was terrified for a week. The pest controllers said they’d never seen such a big rat before.”
OK let’s start off by sparing me the comments that this was an inhumane way to catch this thing. Any rat that big just sitting at the kitchen table smoking cigs telling you to fuck off will not get any kind of fair treatment from me. I mean look at this thing! I’m not one to get scared by mice or rats and living in NYC (especially the upper west side) we get our fair share of them. That being said, I would not be returning to my apartment if this thing was occupying it. Fucking thing was a voice box away from becoming Splinter. This is the second time I’ve heard a story of a rat being this large and it freaks me out. If this is the next wave of shit to hit NYC then it might be time to move.
– Malaysian military claims they tracked the plane way off course over an hour after the flight dropped off radar. This widened the search to 27,000 square miles and sent search/rescue teams all over the place. No wreckage was ever found.
– Friends and family claim they are able to call their loved ones and the phone actually rings. Officials say if the plane was under water, this would be impossible and the calls would go straight to voice mail. This means the plane is either near a reception area and/or on land somewhere.
– An oil rig worker claims to have watched the plane go down in the sea on fire. He tried to contact his boss days ago but no one ever responded to his email. He gave exact coordinates and a description of what he thought he witnessed. No wreckage was ever found.
– Chinese satellites claim to have picked up an image in the water that might resemble that of a plane. NTSB officials immediately said that the shapes did not resemble a plane and anything that large could not float in water. After searching, nothing was ever found.
– The Wall Street Journal reports that data sent from the Rolls Royce engines on the plane puts the plane in the air still flying 4 hours after it dropped off radar. This now prompts a new theory that the transponder was intentionally turned off and the plane was flown to a undisclosed location on purpose to maybe be used at another time. Malaysia denies these reports.
– The US claims Malaysian officials raided the pilots home a couple of days before the flight due to suspicious behavior. Once again, these reports were denied by Malaysian officials. An Australian woman had come out to the press about her trip to Thailand a year ago. The same pilot allowed her and a friend to ride in the cockpit for the entire flight while they smoked and took pictures together.
Overall, it sounds like Malaysian officials cannot tell us one thing about this missing plane but somehow they can tell us what’s not true. This is by far one of the strangest/weirdest events to ever happen in my lifetime and it appears to be far from over. It’s clear Malaysia either has something to hide or is absolutely the dumbest group of leaders in the world. The part that gets me is how all of this information keeps coming out days later instead of everything being thrown on the table to help in the search. The military tracks the plane an hour after it drops off radar? China just yesterday claims they had satellite images to show us? An oil rig worker said he saw the plane go down but that didn’t come out until yesterday? Was there really a raid on the pilot’s home days before the flight? Only thing I’m waiting for now is for this plane to randomly pop up on radar again and be a few miles outside of NYC. Some shady shit going on here. Not to mention…where the fuck is this plane?!
UPDATE: And in more shocking news, the witch doctor hired to bring the plane back didn’t work either. We’ve now exhausted all resources.
Well done AND all within the parameters of the Youtube guidelines so it can’t get yanked down. For anyone living in a box (or accountants in busy season) here’s the original with 29 million hits since Monday:
SubwayCreatures 