Category: Funny

A College Experience To Remember…

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Came across this story on Deadspin and had to share it! College is an amazing place but cougars are more amazing…

 

Back in the spring of ’97 my alma mater, the University of Arizona, improbably won the basketball national championship by beating three #1 seeds. As such, the 40,000 students decided to celebrate (read: “riot”). When the cops started to pepper spray the crowd, me and my buddy Rich decided to ditch the overturned cars and bonfires to find our own party.

At that time in Tucson, all liquor sales ended at 1am, so we were determined to pick up a couple of bottles of whatever we could lay our hands on before that time. So we headed over to the closest liquor store that wasn’t completely packed with people with the same idea as ours. Finally, with literally minutes to spare, we got in line at a liquor store with two bottles of vodka and three twenty four packs of beer (yes, it was just for us, but we figured we’d find our friends as the night wore on and we’d be heroes for having the foresight to pick up beer and liquor while they were busy running from the cops in riot gear). I then noticed that the girl ahead of me in line was this hottie from my astronomy class. I didn’t know her name, but that didn’t stop me from chatting her up as we waited to ring up our purchases.

She was in line by herself, so I asked where her friends were. She told me that her mom was in town so her friends had basically ditched her to go hang out with the crowd and get wasted outside the judging eye of an adult. She then said, “But I swear, my mom is really cool!” So I asked what her plan was and she basically said that she was headed back to her mom’s hotel room to watch the kids partying/rioting on the local news. It was then that Rich piped up and invited them to our place to wait on our friends and the inevitable party that would break out once the cops broke up everything. She agreed quickly and introduced herself to Rich as “Ashley” (not her real name since I can’t remember it).

When Ashley got done buying her Zima or whatever girlie drinks she had got she told us she was going to grab her mom and meet us outside. After she exited the store I looked at Rich and said “dibs on Ashley . . . you can have the mom”. We chuckled and he said we would just have to see where the night took us.

We met up with Ashley and her mom outside, who has in her mid to late 40’s and wasn’t all that bad looking. I could see where Ashley got her good looks from. Fast foward to our place and it turns out that Ashley’s mom WAS cool. She even took a couple of bong rips and the four of us were in full-on party mode.

I proceeded to get hammered, as did Ashley. By this time it was about 3 in the morning and our friends hadn’t yet shown up, but I didn’t care because I could tell things were going great with Ashley and that I was probably going to bang her. Rich was a good friend and had taken Ashley’s mom on a tour of the house (which is hilarious since it was a total typical off-campus dump). So I went to make my move and Ashley was receptive. After about ten minutes of making out I suggested we go to my room. Ashley quickly said yes and we got up to go. As we were walking down the hallway though we could hear the unmistakable sound of Rich banging the ever-loving crap out of Ashley’s mom. She was literally screaming, telling Rich “HARDER! HARDER!”

Ashley got this awful look on her face and I knew at that moment that not only was I not getting laid that night, but that I would probably have to drop that easy-A astronomy class just so we would never have to see each other again. Ashley then started knocking loudly on Rich’s door, trying to yell over her mom’s screaming, telling her that they had to leave. Ashley’s mom either didn’t hear or didn’t care because they kept going at it for another 20 minutes while we stood outside the door to Rich’s bedroom listening to him defile that cougar in what I could only imagine was every way possible.

When the screaming and squeaking bedsprings died down to just some heavy breathing, Ashley knocked again and tried the door handle. The door opened right up (of course he didn’t lock it – that would have been the smart thing to do) and there was Ashley’s mom, naked, wiping her vag with a handtowel while Rich laid on the bed, equally naked, laughing to himself. Ashley told her mom to get dressed and that she would meet her outside because she wanted to go home.

As Ashley’s mom walked out she told us thanks for the good time and then said to Rich, “I hope Ash isn’t too pissed. If she tells my husband I’m so screwed.”

I saw Ashley every once in a while on campus after that, but we made it a point to never make eye-contact. I couldn’t be pissed at Rich though. I did tell him that he had to take the mom.

 

 

Woman Assaults Boyfriend Because McDonalds Wouldn’t Sell Her A Cheeseburger

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TSG:

When Shanaya Edgell arrived early yesterday morning at a McDonald’s in Janesville, Wisconsin, she was expecting to order from the fast food joint’s regular menu–Big Macs, french fries, Chicken McNuggets, and the like. Except it was around 3 AM and the restaurant had already switched over to its breakfast menu–hash browns, Egg McMuffins, hotcakes, and the like. This enraged Edgell, according to Janesville Police Department officers, since she wanted a cheeseburger. The 22-year-old–for some unexplained reason–turned on her boyfriend, biting him on the arm and tearing off his shirt. Darrell Page, 40, explained to a cop that Edgell “wanted a burger from McDonald’s,” so they drove to the restaurant–only to discover at the drive-thru window that the eatery “had stopped serving hamburgers and was now only serving breakfast.” Edgell, he added, “got upset because she did not want breakfast and only wanted a cheeseburger.” After driving away, Edgell apparently changed her mind, and directed Page to “return to McDonald’s so that she could get breakfast,” according to a misdemeanor criminal complaint filed in Circuit Court. At this point, Edgell allegedly began striking Page in the face and biting his right arm. Page also told police that when he pulled his car over during the assault, Edgell got out of the vehicle and climbed atop the hood to keep him from leaving. During police questioning, Edgell confirmed that she became “upset” after discovering that McDonald’s had “switched over to the breakfast menu and…she wanted to order food off the regular menu.” She reported “freaking out over this,” adding that Page was trying to calm her down over the matter of the unavailable cheeseburgers. When a cop asked why he had spotted her on the car’s roof, Edgell answered, “because I was acting crazy.” After dismounting from the vehicle, Edgell was collared for disorderly conduct. Pictured in the above mug shot, Edgell is being held in the Rock County jail in lieu of $150 bond. She is scheduled for a court appearance later this afternoon.

Shanaya, I completely understand how you feel. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to McDonald’s looking for breakfast, only to find out that I missed it by 5 minutes and can only get lunch. Or when I go late at night hoping to get 3 McChickens with fries only to be told they are only serving eggs or pancakes. McDonald’s thinks it’s their world and we’re all just living in it. How hard would it be to make anything on your menu 24/7? You microwave the chicken for 30 seconds, put it on a roll with mayo and lettuce and BAM! Done. Same goes for the egg sandwiches. Why in the hell would I go to McDonald’s at 11AM looking for chicken nuggets or a cheeseburger?! Sell breakfast until at least noon and serve lunch/dinner until 4AM and sales will go up and America will be fatter than it already is. Christ, do I need to do everything around here?

Side note: The only thing scarier than the people in McDonald’s at 3AM are the people who aren’t fucked up.

Satanic Sex Threesome Can’t Be As Great As It Sounds

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TSG:

NOVEMBER 9–Two young Milwaukee women were arrested this week after an 18-year-old Arizona man–who traveled to Wisconsin by bus after meeting one of the suspects online–told cops that he was held captive in the duo’s apartment for two days and slashed and stabbed more than 300 times as part of an apparent satanic sex ritual. A Milwaukee Police Department search warrant for the East Knapp Street apartment where the man was held details his ordeal. The warrant authorized cops to seize an assortment of items from the residence, including “knives or other cutting instruments,” blood and DNA evidence, duct tape, restraining devices, and “Books or literature relating to Satanism or the occult.” The police investigation began Sunday night after cops responded to a report of a possible stabbing. Officers found the Arizona man “bleeding from the neck, arms and back.” He told cops that after arriving at the home of a woman he met online, he “was bound and was stabbed numerous times over a timeframe of what he described as ‘two days.’” The man was transported to a local hospital, where medical personnel “estimated the number of wounds to be in excess of 300,” according to a search warrant affidavit sworn by Detective Michael Walisiciwicz. While at the apartment building, police were approached by Rebecca Chandler, 22, who stated, “I think you are here looking for me.” Chandler told cops that she had engaged in sexual relations with the Arizona man “and that the cutting was consensual but that it got quickly out of hand.”Chandler claimed that her roommate–whom she identified only as “Scarlett”–was “the one who did the majority of the cutting” during the incident. Chandler, police reported, “also made reference to ‘Scarlett’ possibly being involved in satanic or occult activities.” Cops subsequently identified “Scarlett” as Raven Larrabee, 20. She was arrested and booked yesterday into the Milwaukee County jail, where she is being held in lieu of $100,000 bond. Chandler is also in the county lockup, where her bond was set at $150,000. The women, who have not yet been charged by prosecutors, are being held for suspicion of reckless injury, a felony.

Imagine taking a bus cross-country for what you think is going to be an awesome threesome only to ring the doorbell and have these two psychos answer the door? I can picture this kid’s face looking at the address he had written down then looking at the number outside the door a second time. Next thing you know he’s tied up and getting slashed and stabbed like he’s in Amistad. Worst part is that there’s no ‘safe words’ when it comes to satanic shit like this so this kid had to go to his happy place for a while until they felt he had enough. Meeting people you find online is like playing Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and this guy obviously got the bullet. Sometimes it’s a serial killer, sometimes it’s a 45-year old pedophile, sometimes it’s satanic cult ready to torture you, but you never hear the story about the guy who showed up to find two smoking hot girls waiting on a bed for him.

Sidenote: I think I’m going to have trouble sleeping tonight after looking at the mugshot of the chick on the left. Just horrifying…

If Sticking Vodka Soaked Tampons Up Your Ass Is Cool, Then You Can Call Me Miles Davis

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Have I honestly been out of school for this long that I had no idea this was going on? Is our world this fucked up that this sounds even remotely close to a good idea? The whole point of drinking for me in school was to play drinking games, blackout, and throw up…all to do it over again the next night. What ever happened to beer pong, or Kings, or quarters? No. Let’s stick a tampon covered in Popov up my ass and call it a good time. And kids are also funneling beer through their ass? Kids are clearly fuckin pussies nowadays and I’m glad I didn’t go to school and have to witness this. I’ll tell ya right now, if I were a parent and I got that call I wouldn’t even go to the hospital. Fuck that. I would make my kid sit on the side of the road like this mother, holding a sign saying ‘I THOUGHT PUTTING ALCOHOL IN MY ASS WAS FUN. NOW I HAVE A LEAKY SPHINCTER AND I HAVE TO WEAR DIAPERS.’

Candy Thief Tries To Jump Over Police Car Like He’s In Some Action Movie

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Youtube:

Barrio Spiderman and 5 of his homeboys suspected of stealing hundreds of dollars of candy from area grocery stores gets pulled over and Alberto Einstein here makes a break for it. Police pursued the suspect into a neighborhood and he climbed onto a roof to get away. Officers cautiously followed him as he ran from roof to roof the entire time, not knowing what to expect. After a few minutes, they brought out a ladder and sprayed him with pepper spray. Seconds later he came down and tried to flee the scene, but ran into a parked police sport utility vehicle. Police say the teen is likely going to be charged with criminal trespassing for jumping from roof to roof and running from officers.

 

Candy? Candy, Paco? You’re jumping rooftop to rooftop and running from authorities like Jason Bourne over candy? My brother stole candy from a grocery store when he was young and got caught too. You know what they did? They called my mom and told her to come pick him up. Sometimes people just know exactly how to push that snowball down the hill and just let it roll forever. But how about that payoff at the end! This is why every police department should have a camera crew on site. First, the cameraman gives everyone a heads up that the suspect is coming their way. Then, he proceeds to laugh at the guy totally busting his ass before he even hits the ground.

Paco, what were you thinking here? You’ve clearly watched one too many action films. Just because a man is standing there with a camera filming you doesn’t mean you are actually IN a movie! You wanna see real? Watch ‘Cops’ and you’ll see police officers with one-leg run down suspects. You coulda run anywhere you wanted and you picked the 7-foot Phoenix Police SUV to try to run over. What was the plan after that? If it was to smash your face off the hood and get speared into the pavement then mission accomplished.

So Was There Anything More Awkward Than Courtney Stodden’s Public Breast Exam? Ah, no.

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So for those of you who have been living under a rock for the past few months, Courtney Stodden is the 17-year-old who got her mother’s permission to marry creepy 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson (“actor” from LOST). The two have been making headlines for their bizarre relationship and constant PDA plus, recent rumors popped up that Courtney has had a bunch of plastic surgery including a boob job that she vehemently denies. So what’s next? Go on Dr. Drew to have a public breast exam to prove everyone wrong of course!

This one goes up there on the awkward scale. The silence in the studio, the seriousness of everyone’s face, the occasional “OH’s” and “AH’s”. This might be sandwiched on the list between getting caught jerking off and farting in front of your girlfriend for the first time. As much as this couple drives me nuts for being in the news for absolutely no reason, Dr. Drew easily tops them. Fuckin’ guys always criticizing people and belittling them and making himself seem superior. That’s why I thought it was a great moment when he thought he caught this bitch in a lie and then BAM! Sorry Doc it was just a bone we were looking at. Tits are real. Drew’s face was priceless like ‘give me that goddamn probe, there’s no way!’ I don’t blame you for thinking that though Drew. No girls from my school looked like this when I was 17 either.

 

Couple Steal Police Vehicle For Sex Joyride, Promptly Stopped

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PalmBeachPost:

LAKE WORTH — A 59-year-old man was booked into the Palm Beach County Jail after he admitted to stealing a Palm Beach County Sheriff’s vehicle so he could have intimate time with a woman, a probable cause affidavit says. Alexander Pratt and 53-year-old Clara Pearson, both of Lake Worth, were arrested Thursday night on charges of grand theft auto. A sheriff’s probable cause affidavit says that plainclothes deputies from the sheriff’s auto theft task force parked their green Honda Civic in front of a Quick Stop on South Dixie Highway. The Civic, which is owned by the sheriff’s department and has video, audio and GPS surveillance, was left unlocked while running. Pratt and Pearson got into the car and backed the vehicle out onto Dixie Highway heading southbound toward Lantana Road. Spotted by deputies, they followed the Civic and conducted a traffic stop at Lantana Road and Interstate 95, the affidavit says. Pearson and Pratt were taken into custody and Pratt told deputies he knew the car was stolen but didn’t regret it because he wanted to “go to have intimate relations with Pearson,” the affidavit says.

The only thing that gets me in the mood for sex more than a Honda Civic is one that is unoccupied, unlocked, and has the engine running in a parking lot. Game over. Only problem here is that Alex and Clara jumped into the one Honda Civic that belongs to the sheriff’s department and is equipped with video, audio, and GPS.  Talk about shitty luck. The only thing that I’ll give them props for is that they stuck by their story of why they stole the car but now Alex is going to jail with the worst case of blue balls.

People I Try To Avoid On The Subway

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Look at CSC gettin’ shoutouts on the subway…A true city subway creature indeed! Another day on the subway, another crazy/paranoid asshole having a conversation with his reflection in the window. I’d love to know what’s going on in this dude’s head. If I had to guess I would say it’s something like that J-Lo movie ‘The Cell’. Just crazy, fucked up creatures whispering sweet nothings into this guy’s conscience. When people like this stand next to me I like to switch train cars.

-Thanks to Alex and Jesse for this. If you have a photo or video of something weird or crazy from the subway send it our way. (subwaycreatures@gmail.com)

83-Year-Old Man Arrested On Male Prostitution Charges

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KTVO:

Centerville Police said they have arrested an 83-year-old man on charges of prostitution. The investigation of Ben Clifford Dawson of Centerville began on October 22. Dawson is listed as a candidate for Centerville City Council. According to police, they received a complaint that Dawson had offered to perform sex acts on a woman in exchange for repayment of a loan. Dawson allegedly grabbed the victim and began kissing her neck without consent. As a result, Dawson faces two aggravated misdemeanor charges: prostitution and intent to commit sexual abuse. He was released from the Appanoose County Jail after posting $2,000 bond.

 

Damn, you really know that times are tough when an 83 year old man has no other option but to repay his debts in sex acts. Kind of makes you wonder if this is how Mr. Dawson lived his whole life. Like this has always been Ben’s form of currency. Hey Bob can I borrow your truck, I need to go to town today. Sure Ben, you know the deal…zippppp. That’s a pretty nice looking lawnmower, how much you want for her? $250? I got a better idea…zipppp. Gotta be careful with who you solicit to though Ben. Now your an 83 year old man going to jail on male prostitution charges. That’s the only place in the US where that is a universal form of currency.