Category: News

Four Loko Makers Finally Admit Their Drink Is Equivalent To 4 Beers

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Poor Four Loko. The makers of this delightful beverage have been forced time and time again to alter their product and their packaging to appease the fun-hating SLA, FDA and general party-poopers across the country, and now, they’re being made to adapt once more to the growing tide of naysayers. This time, Phusion Projects is bowing to the demandsof the Federal Trade Commission, who accused the company of falsely advertising the potency of the beverage. But will the new labels deter customers, or just get them even more psyched to pick up some Blackout in a Can? Phusion had apparently been advertising that a 23.5-ounce can of Loko, at 11-12 percent alcohol, had the same amount of alcohol has one or two regular old 12-ounce beers and could be safely consumed in one sitting. As it turns out, a 23.5-ounce can of Loko actually has as much alcohol as four or five beers, which might explain why people are crashing their cars all over the place after sipping upon the beverage. The new labels will name the amount of alcohol in one can and compare it to the amount in a regular beer, so they’ll look something like this: “This can has as much alcohol as 4 regular (12 oz. 5 percent alc/vol) beers.” 

 

Thanks for this Phusion. Cause no one who has had a Four Loko before knew or found out the actual strength of your drink. I knew the first time I had one of these fuckin things that this was not going to be just any ordinary night of drinking. I’ll just leave it at this, I looked like the girl from The Exorcist by the end of the evening. Head spinning around on my shoulders, projectile vomiting on everyone. I didn’t know whether to run a 5k race or pass out standing up. Just living in a world of confusion. And of course I don’t remember this, it was what I was told 2 days later when I came to. I’m pretty confident I took 5-6 years off my life and my kids might be born with extra limbs because of the shit in this drink. The kicker is that it doesn’t even taste good! So again, thanks Phusion for the honesty!

 

Australian Bettles Are Dying From Too Much Sex With Beer Bottles

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“the beer bottles happen to possess all of the features that drive male Australian jewel beetles wild. They’re big and orangey brown in color, with a slightly dimpled surface near the bottom (designed to prevent the bottle from slipping out of one’s grasp) that reflects light in much the same way as female wing covers.”

 

God if I had a dollar for everytime I’ve heard this one. Just look at that bottle! Glistening in the sun, light reflecting off that smooth round glass, that gaping bottle neck just asking to get humped! How can you blame the beetle here? Problem is that the damn beetle doesn’t have enough spunk to go around for everyone and are wasting it all on these whore bottles. Hey Australia, clean up your goddamn streets and we wouldn’t have this problem.

 

Sidenote: What’s up with the beetles dick being half the size of it’s body? Would it be wrong to start the phrase ‘hung like a beetle?’

Let’s Rate Ashton Kutcher’s Mistress

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Sorry Demi but in with the new and out with the old. Good for you Ashton. The whole time I was hearing this story break thinking to myself ‘this chick better be smoking hot to replace Demi Moore’ and sure enough dirty.com releases these photos. This chick mixed with a little bit of alcohol and Demi who? I am 100% aboard the Sara Leal train and we are full speed, next stop divorce court. Yes, shes 25 years younger than Demi minus a lot of plastic surgery but look at what she also brings to the table. A smokin’ hot face with a slammin’ body. The only thing is that she looks a little on the crazy side in some of her other photos. I feel like this is Tiger Woods all over again and if you think this is the last chick to come forward saying they hooked up with Ashton Kutcher while he was married you’re crazy! This is probably just the tip of the dick–i mean iceberg. Ashton, you get a pat on the back of approval as long as you don’t have an Arnold Schwarzenegger kind of chick come out saying you banged her.

7 LI Students Arrested For Elaborate SAT Cheating Scam

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It was an elaborate ruse that involved fake IDs, air travel and lots of money. If only such effort was applied to actually studying. Between 2009 and this year, six high schoolers allegedly paid a college student between $1,500 and $2,500 to fly back home to New York to take the SAT for them. All seven were arrested this week for being part of the cheating scandal. According to prosecutors, the six current and former students of Great Neck North High School in Long Island, N.Y., hired 19-year-old Sam Eshaghoff, who attends Emory University, to impersonate them and take the standardized test. Eshaghoff presented at each test site a fake driver’s license bearing his photo with the paying student’s name, authorities said. The students had signed up to take the test at schools other than their own so they wouldn’t be recognized. And they got what they paid for: high scores ranging between 2140 and 2220, out of the SAT’s perfect score of 2400, prosecutors said. But rumors went around about a cheating ring (it’s high school, after all), which drew the school faculty’s attention. They were able to identify the cheaters because their scores seemed mismatched to their regular academic grades, and Eshaghoff was caught as the test taker after a handwriting analysis, according to authorities. Eshaghoff has pleaded not guilty to charges of scheming to defraud, criminal impersonation and falsifying business records. The students whom he impersonated were charged with misdemeanors and released without bail. Investigators are looking into whether Eshaghoff also took the test for students from other schools.

 

So let me get this straight. You spend $2,500 to fly this kid home, create fake IDs, and have this kid impersonate you so he can score high on your SATs for you and you go around school telling everyone? Well then, you deserve whatever you get! Isn’t it a known fact that secrets, rumors, and shit like this go around school like California wildfires? And how you gonna score a 2220 on your SATs when you have a GPA of 1.2? Unless you’re wearing a helmet to school and you’re counting cards like Rain Man, I’m not sure how you thought this was going to fly. Let me also say that $2,500 to me in high school was equivalent to $100,000 so I think they need to look into the parents on this one as well. I never had that kind of money sitting around nor would I spend it on anything that had to do with college, but maybe that’s just me. In no way, shape, or form was this a thought out plan. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your souls.

 

Cell Phone Service Coming To A NYC Subway Platform Near You

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Cnet – New Yorkers will finally be able to use their cell phones in subway stations–as long as their commute takes them through one neighborhood in Manhattan. The New York Times reported yesterday that cellular service will come to four stations starting Tuesday. AT&T and T-Mobile customers will be able to make phone calls, send text messages, and browse the Internet on their phone underground–something that’s virtually impossible today. The deployment is extremely limited: only four stations in the Chelsea neighborhood on the west side of Manhattan. The initial launch, which acts as a pilot program for a wider rollout of service across the New York subway system, will occur at the C and E platforms at 23rd Street and Eighth Avenue; the A, C, E and L platforms on 14th Street and Eight Avenue; the F, M, and L platforms at the Avenue of the Americas and 14th Street; and the 1, 2 and 3 platforms at the Seventh Avenue station, also on 14th Street. Verizon Wireless and Sprint Nextel customers won’t be able to get the service.

 

Not sure how I feel about this one. Yea it will be great to have internet and text while waiting for the train but it’s only in a couple of stations. The monthly unlimited MetroCard is currently $104 and why do I have the feeling this will bump it up once again? I’ll sacrifice using my phone for the 30 minutes I’m in the subway to keep transportation prices down. But this is all minor compared to the biggest problem I have with it. Last thing I want to listen to is people on their goddamn phones on the train! It’s bad enough with the panhandlers and performances that I have to deal with on a daily basis but now I’m going to have to listen to loud ass fuckers yelling in their phones? Is the MTA really trying to open Pandoras Box here? What is the benefit? Just the other day I saw a black woman publicly disciplining her children on the subway and making a scene. She also pulled the ol’ ‘wait til I tell your father about this.’ Now if this bitch had a phone that worked on the train, the show would have gone on and everyone would have to hear it. Thanks but no thanks MTA!

TMI: Mrs. Brady Had Crabs

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“I made a poor choice (when I slept with John Lindsay), and I woke up the next morning…itchy. I believe in karma, I just didn’t know it would happen overnight or that I would be punished with these little critters. That scared the hell out of me. Have you ever had crabs?”

Gosh thanks Florence Henderson. If there was anything to make my day any worse, I get to picture your hippie bush infested with dirty fuckin lice crawling all over it. I know you’ve been out of the spotlight for a while but why must you insist on letting the world know about this? You wanna hear some breaking news? No one cares! I always said I would’ve loved to be alive in the 60s and 70s. Everyone just doing drugs and having sex all over the place without a worry in the world. Well apparently not. And former NYC mayor, John Lindsay, bought her flowers to apologize? Now THAT’S how you treat a ho! ‘Hey sorry about that STD thing. Here’s a bouquet of roses, don’t sweat it.’ How can you feel bad for Mrs. Brady here? She was married and banging a politician. If you’re not asking for some kind of STD then you really are living in a perfect world in The Brady Bunch.

Parent of the Year Award: Kindergartener Brings Moms Crack Pipe and Meth For Show and Tell

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A Sweet Springs, MO kindergartner brought his mother’s crack pipe to show-and-tell on Sept. 6. Sadly, the crack pipe wasn’t the only thing the kindergartner brought to school. He also brought some of his mother’s crystal meth. Unfortunately, it seems the little tyke was rather proud and fascinated with the items. Superintendent Donna Wright said, “He was very excited when he got to school. But I don’t think he knew what he had.” However, the child’s teacher realized what he had and didn’t allow him to show or talk about it. Instead, the teacher notified authorities. Wright said, “It didn’t ever get into the classroom. It was shocking. We’re not experienced with dealing with this.” Officers followed up on the incident and arrested the kindergartner’s 32-year-old mother, Michelle Cheatham, on drug charges. She was later able to post bail and is now free. Teachers and school authorities weren’t the only ones shocked by what happened. Police Chief Richard Downing said, “That was a first for show-and-tell in this town.” The town of Sweet Springs is very small with only 1,500 residents.


Congrats Michelle Cheatham! Not only did your kid know where to find your crack pipe and meth, but he brought it in for Show and Tell to explain to the other 5 and 6 year olds how to use it. While most kids are bringing in their pet rocks from the backyard, he brought in a completely different kind of “rock.” You wanna know what I brought for my Show and Tell in 3rd grade? I brought my hippie grandma who could tell the coolest life experiences I’ve ever heard. Did she do drugs back then? I hope so. Is she an alcoholic? Without a doubt. Did she share her stories to my class WHILE ON drugs or alcohol…? Shit I don’t know, probably. But the point here is, she didn’t talk about it or share it with the class because she was at least THAT responsible!

Also, this poor kid set the bar way too high for himself! How do you follow this up next year in 1st grade? Heroin and a syringe? 9mm and a few rounds of ammo? I’m just saying if he brings his pet iguana “Iggy” I would be extremely disappointed.

Big CNN Flub That Aired

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I’ve always said that old people should not be allowed to drive. It’s like giving the keys to a car to a 5 year old and this woman will be 104 next month?! And how about that car! As hood as they come. I was waiting for the hydraulics to kick in and watch that bitch bounce down the street. No wonder they accidentally played that music. It’s probably what grandma was listening to anyway. Reminded me of a great classic:

 

This New Drink Just Might Save Our Lives!

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MERCY is a non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated beverage containing nutritional supplements proven to help your body as it processes alcohol. This includes both hangover symptoms and alcohol flush (an uncomfortable and embarrassing condition that mainly affects those of Asian descent). Drinking MERCY provides both immediate and cumulative health benefits. The ingredients in each serving of MERCY helps your body detox, boosting your body’s defenses and replenishing key nutrients lost during a night of drinking. MERCY, taken during or shortly after alcohol consumption, encourages your body to produce more glutathione, a naturally occurring substance that neutralizes dangerous free radicals and helps the liver remove toxins such as acetaldehyde, the unhealthy byproduct of alcohol and the main cause of hangovers and alcohol flush.

 

Look at her! Just eye fucking me with rays of sunshine blistering out from behind. I heard when you crack the can a beam of light shoots out along with the joyful sound of laughing babies. It this true? Is this finally the drink that will save my Thursday – Tuesday hangovers? If so, I’ll take a case and give me 10,000 shares of stock! With my big birthday weekend coming up I will be pounding these like bottles of water in the desert. Now where can I find them…?

Video of Bloomberg Riding The Subway Right After Terror Threats

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Oh Mayor Bloomberg calls up the media to let them know he’s riding the subway this morning with an entourage of body guards. Damn I feel as safe as before 9/11 now! I agree that we can’t be scared by terrorism  and shouldn’t change our daily routines but I’m not sure this is going to help me with that. Why…? Because our multi-billionaire mayor takes an E train for once in his life I’m suppose to think all is good and well? Hey pal, Washington has credible sources telling them that 3 towel heads just arrived to the US with plans of setting off car bombs all over Manhattan. As long as they are out there, I’m going to have a tough time thinking all is good in Pleasantville.