Man Has Child Porn Stolen From Home, Reports It To Police

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KCRA:

If you have 30 CDs stolen from you, it’s perfectly understandable that you’d go to the cops. If those 30 CDs are filled with child porn, on the other hand, well, the cops are likely to be less sympathetic. It was a hard lesson learned well by Kraig Stockard (making an appropriate child-pornographer face in the accompanying mugshot), who reported the theft of the CDs from his barn in September. Only, the thieves reported him, too:

Deputies said a juvenile and a 19-year-old who broke in and stole the CDs — about 50 of them, thinking they were blank — and later brought them home. When the pair asked a family member to upload some music onto the discs, the relative popped in one of the CDs and discovered the child pornography, deputies said. The finding prompted the pair to contact the Sheriff’s Department and explain the situation, according to the news release. Deputies then checked all the stolen CDs and found more than 30 of them contained child porn images, they said.

The cops arrested Stockard and seized “three computers, three laptops and several external hard drives”; he’s apparently admitted to downloading it and is facing child pornography charges. The robbers were not arrested.

 

This is why I keep my porn hidden in other DVD cases, in the back left drawer of my dresser, in a bag with a lock on it, under the socks. Kraig, Kraig, Kraig. What are we thinking here, brotha? Who reports stolen CDs? Especially CDs filled with your own personal collection of kiddie porn? Sometimes you just gotta chalk one up in the loss column and move on.

But I’m not sure that’s the real story here. So let me get this straight, two thieves BREAK INTO A HOME and STEAL ITEMS but no charges are ever filed against them? Why, because they admitted it and ratted this guy out? Great message you’re sending these two teens. And who breaks into a home and steals CDs? Grab the good stuff. I’d be taking anything and everything except for what didn’t fit in the pick-up! At least they’ll know who to go to when more CDs/DVDs turn up missing in their town. Just salt in the wound for Creeper Kraig here.

Woman Turns 100, Demands A Stripper At Her Party

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You shoot for the moon and you get a stripper.  I’m not gonna hate on you Claire, when I turn 100 there better be multiple strippers at my party. Strippers, alcohol, and loud music. I highly doubt I’ll make it that far with the lifestyle I have, but if I do, I wanna be motor boating until my heart stops. Are we sure this lady is definitely alive during all of this? Imagine living this long? She can’t even touch ‘Scorpion’ without someone spotting her hand because she’s so old. How much fun can that be? And does she talk? I wanna hear what this old bag has to say! She’s probably got the craziest stories to share. “Did I ever tell you about the time I played suck and blow during the Great Depression with Herbert Hoover?” Hey Claire, the times may have changed but you can never turn a ho into a housewife and that much I know.

Four Loko Makers Finally Admit Their Drink Is Equivalent To 4 Beers

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Poor Four Loko. The makers of this delightful beverage have been forced time and time again to alter their product and their packaging to appease the fun-hating SLA, FDA and general party-poopers across the country, and now, they’re being made to adapt once more to the growing tide of naysayers. This time, Phusion Projects is bowing to the demandsof the Federal Trade Commission, who accused the company of falsely advertising the potency of the beverage. But will the new labels deter customers, or just get them even more psyched to pick up some Blackout in a Can? Phusion had apparently been advertising that a 23.5-ounce can of Loko, at 11-12 percent alcohol, had the same amount of alcohol has one or two regular old 12-ounce beers and could be safely consumed in one sitting. As it turns out, a 23.5-ounce can of Loko actually has as much alcohol as four or five beers, which might explain why people are crashing their cars all over the place after sipping upon the beverage. The new labels will name the amount of alcohol in one can and compare it to the amount in a regular beer, so they’ll look something like this: “This can has as much alcohol as 4 regular (12 oz. 5 percent alc/vol) beers.” 

 

Thanks for this Phusion. Cause no one who has had a Four Loko before knew or found out the actual strength of your drink. I knew the first time I had one of these fuckin things that this was not going to be just any ordinary night of drinking. I’ll just leave it at this, I looked like the girl from The Exorcist by the end of the evening. Head spinning around on my shoulders, projectile vomiting on everyone. I didn’t know whether to run a 5k race or pass out standing up. Just living in a world of confusion. And of course I don’t remember this, it was what I was told 2 days later when I came to. I’m pretty confident I took 5-6 years off my life and my kids might be born with extra limbs because of the shit in this drink. The kicker is that it doesn’t even taste good! So again, thanks Phusion for the honesty!

 

Woman Saved When Breast Implant Stops Knife From Reaching Her Heart

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From Pravda, the story of a Moscow woman who was stabbed in the heart by her husband, but whose silicone breast implants absorbed the blade, preventing her from dying. Fake tits save lives. Because the implants — inserted five years prior, at the request of the husband — were so large, the knife “did not even reach the thorax.”

 

Well ain’t that a bitch! The very money you spent on your wife’s fake tits comes back to haunt you in the long run. How big were these monsters that the knife couldn’t even reach this chick’s heart? And what must they have felt like?! My advice to this guy? Stab her ANYWHERE else on her body. Why would you go for the one spot that she has the most padding?! I know hindsight is always 20/20 but if you really want your wife dead, I’m just saying plan it out better.

 

Was This Marion Barber’s First TD Ever?

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Nothing like pulling off the traditional 350 degree back flip to celebrate your first TD of the year. And he missed the first 3 weeks of the season due to a calf injury? I mean I wouldn’t want to play for the Bears either but c’mon man! All he needed to do was injure himself on that play and it would’ve summed up Chicago sports for ya…

Australian Bettles Are Dying From Too Much Sex With Beer Bottles

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“the beer bottles happen to possess all of the features that drive male Australian jewel beetles wild. They’re big and orangey brown in color, with a slightly dimpled surface near the bottom (designed to prevent the bottle from slipping out of one’s grasp) that reflects light in much the same way as female wing covers.”

 

God if I had a dollar for everytime I’ve heard this one. Just look at that bottle! Glistening in the sun, light reflecting off that smooth round glass, that gaping bottle neck just asking to get humped! How can you blame the beetle here? Problem is that the damn beetle doesn’t have enough spunk to go around for everyone and are wasting it all on these whore bottles. Hey Australia, clean up your goddamn streets and we wouldn’t have this problem.

 

Sidenote: What’s up with the beetles dick being half the size of it’s body? Would it be wrong to start the phrase ‘hung like a beetle?’

Let’s Rate Ashton Kutcher’s Mistress

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Sorry Demi but in with the new and out with the old. Good for you Ashton. The whole time I was hearing this story break thinking to myself ‘this chick better be smoking hot to replace Demi Moore’ and sure enough dirty.com releases these photos. This chick mixed with a little bit of alcohol and Demi who? I am 100% aboard the Sara Leal train and we are full speed, next stop divorce court. Yes, shes 25 years younger than Demi minus a lot of plastic surgery but look at what she also brings to the table. A smokin’ hot face with a slammin’ body. The only thing is that she looks a little on the crazy side in some of her other photos. I feel like this is Tiger Woods all over again and if you think this is the last chick to come forward saying they hooked up with Ashton Kutcher while he was married you’re crazy! This is probably just the tip of the dick–i mean iceberg. Ashton, you get a pat on the back of approval as long as you don’t have an Arnold Schwarzenegger kind of chick come out saying you banged her.

How Dumb Are The Kardashian Sisters…?

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Kourtney Kardashian tweeted this picture of “God’s hands in a cloud.” Someone should really send her this link and tell her it’s actually a photoshopped picture of some dude ripping open his anus.

 

Wow! Yes, people like this really exist and they should not be allowed to procreate. The world would be such a better place without the Kardashian sisters. Epic fail!