Woman Saved When Breast Implant Stops Knife From Reaching Her Heart

From Pravda, the story of a Moscow woman who was stabbed in the heart by her husband, but whose silicone breast implants absorbed the blade, preventing her from dying. Fake tits save lives. Because the implants — inserted five years prior, at the request of the husband — were so large, the knife “did not even reach the thorax.”

 

Well ain’t that a bitch! The very money you spent on your wife’s fake tits comes back to haunt you in the long run. How big were these monsters that the knife couldn’t even reach this chick’s heart? And what must they have felt like?! My advice to this guy? Stab her ANYWHERE else on her body. Why would you go for the one spot that she has the most padding?! I know hindsight is always 20/20 but if you really want your wife dead, I’m just saying plan it out better.

 

Was This Marion Barber’s First TD Ever?

 

Nothing like pulling off the traditional 350 degree back flip to celebrate your first TD of the year. And he missed the first 3 weeks of the season due to a calf injury? I mean I wouldn’t want to play for the Bears either but c’mon man! All he needed to do was injure himself on that play and it would’ve summed up Chicago sports for ya…

Australian Bettles Are Dying From Too Much Sex With Beer Bottles

 

“the beer bottles happen to possess all of the features that drive male Australian jewel beetles wild. They’re big and orangey brown in color, with a slightly dimpled surface near the bottom (designed to prevent the bottle from slipping out of one’s grasp) that reflects light in much the same way as female wing covers.”

 

God if I had a dollar for everytime I’ve heard this one. Just look at that bottle! Glistening in the sun, light reflecting off that smooth round glass, that gaping bottle neck just asking to get humped! How can you blame the beetle here? Problem is that the damn beetle doesn’t have enough spunk to go around for everyone and are wasting it all on these whore bottles. Hey Australia, clean up your goddamn streets and we wouldn’t have this problem.

 

Sidenote: What’s up with the beetles dick being half the size of it’s body? Would it be wrong to start the phrase ‘hung like a beetle?’

Let’s Rate Ashton Kutcher’s Mistress

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Sorry Demi but in with the new and out with the old. Good for you Ashton. The whole time I was hearing this story break thinking to myself ‘this chick better be smoking hot to replace Demi Moore’ and sure enough dirty.com releases these photos. This chick mixed with a little bit of alcohol and Demi who? I am 100% aboard the Sara Leal train and we are full speed, next stop divorce court. Yes, shes 25 years younger than Demi minus a lot of plastic surgery but look at what she also brings to the table. A smokin’ hot face with a slammin’ body. The only thing is that she looks a little on the crazy side in some of her other photos. I feel like this is Tiger Woods all over again and if you think this is the last chick to come forward saying they hooked up with Ashton Kutcher while he was married you’re crazy! This is probably just the tip of the dick–i mean iceberg. Ashton, you get a pat on the back of approval as long as you don’t have an Arnold Schwarzenegger kind of chick come out saying you banged her.

How Dumb Are The Kardashian Sisters…?

 

Kourtney Kardashian tweeted this picture of “God’s hands in a cloud.” Someone should really send her this link and tell her it’s actually a photoshopped picture of some dude ripping open his anus.

 

Wow! Yes, people like this really exist and they should not be allowed to procreate. The world would be such a better place without the Kardashian sisters. Epic fail!

Giants/Jets: Week 4 Outlook

 

Coming off a stunning victory in Philly, the NY Giants demoralized the Eagles at home and showed the ‘Dream Team’ that money can’t buy wins. A lot of people, myself included, did not see that coming. Hopefully Big Blue’s momentum will carry over into Arizona where the Giants stunned the world in Super Bowl XLII. As long as the defense can do what they did in Philly, I don’t see how the Giants can’t win this game, even with the -1. The real challenge in this game will be to hold Larry Fitz in check which will probably be a huge task for an already slacking secondary. Antrel Rolle will be returning to his former home which will hopefully amp up his play. Also look for the emergence of Viktor Cruz to become even bigger. Even though Mario Manningham is back, Cruz showed that he can make the big plays in big moments last week. With Osi possibly making his debut this season, I’m all over the Giants -1 and taking the over at 44.5. Too much offense in this game.

 

227 New York Giants -1  -110
44½ O -110
U -110
228 Arizona Cardinals +1  -110
Week 4
In another upset special, the NY Jets were tossed around like a rape victim last week in Oakland. My projection for that game couldn’t have been farther off. I never saw Darren McFadden treating that Jets DEF like a pop warner team. Not only could they not stop the Raiders but the offense looked just as stagnant. With the talent the Jets have, you wonder where the problems lies. Is it Schotty? Is it Sanchez? Is it Rex? Whatever it is, it needs to change immediately this week against a dangerous Ravens team on Sunday night. After 3 weeks the Ravens have impressed with Ray Rice and will go up against a Jets defense that has had a LOT of trouble stopping the run. Derrick Mason and Rex Ryan will both face their former teams which hopefully means they will both go into the game with a chip on their shoulders. If the Jets line can hold then expect a close, low scoring affair in Baltimore. If not we could easily see the Jets at 2-2 and 0-2 on the road. We all saw what the Ravens offense can do to a team with a solid defense (i.e. Steelers). I still like the Jets with the +3 points and the under at 42.
235 New York Jets +3  +100 +160
42 O -110
U -110
236 Baltimore Ravens -3  -120 -190
NBCWeek 4

Man Admits to Fiancee He’s Fathered 70 Children

 

Are you my daddy? So this dude is going to marry blondie here and this is the first time she’s hearing that his spunk has fathered around 70 kids? What else you got for us guy? So I’m sure his thinking was ‘as long as I’m gonna beat off, might as well make some money outta the whole deal.’ But here’s the part he probably never thought of. A) When he’s in a situation like right now and has to admit to a chick that he’s related to half of the tri-state area. B) When those little bastards grow up they’re going to come asking for college money and a relationship with their real father. It’s gotta be hard enough with 1 but you got 70 running around? You better hope that none of them grow up to be like you and they take the other route and become successful and/or athletes. Cause if not, brotha you got big problems coming your way…

7 LI Students Arrested For Elaborate SAT Cheating Scam

 

It was an elaborate ruse that involved fake IDs, air travel and lots of money. If only such effort was applied to actually studying. Between 2009 and this year, six high schoolers allegedly paid a college student between $1,500 and $2,500 to fly back home to New York to take the SAT for them. All seven were arrested this week for being part of the cheating scandal. According to prosecutors, the six current and former students of Great Neck North High School in Long Island, N.Y., hired 19-year-old Sam Eshaghoff, who attends Emory University, to impersonate them and take the standardized test. Eshaghoff presented at each test site a fake driver’s license bearing his photo with the paying student’s name, authorities said. The students had signed up to take the test at schools other than their own so they wouldn’t be recognized. And they got what they paid for: high scores ranging between 2140 and 2220, out of the SAT’s perfect score of 2400, prosecutors said. But rumors went around about a cheating ring (it’s high school, after all), which drew the school faculty’s attention. They were able to identify the cheaters because their scores seemed mismatched to their regular academic grades, and Eshaghoff was caught as the test taker after a handwriting analysis, according to authorities. Eshaghoff has pleaded not guilty to charges of scheming to defraud, criminal impersonation and falsifying business records. The students whom he impersonated were charged with misdemeanors and released without bail. Investigators are looking into whether Eshaghoff also took the test for students from other schools.

 

So let me get this straight. You spend $2,500 to fly this kid home, create fake IDs, and have this kid impersonate you so he can score high on your SATs for you and you go around school telling everyone? Well then, you deserve whatever you get! Isn’t it a known fact that secrets, rumors, and shit like this go around school like California wildfires? And how you gonna score a 2220 on your SATs when you have a GPA of 1.2? Unless you’re wearing a helmet to school and you’re counting cards like Rain Man, I’m not sure how you thought this was going to fly. Let me also say that $2,500 to me in high school was equivalent to $100,000 so I think they need to look into the parents on this one as well. I never had that kind of money sitting around nor would I spend it on anything that had to do with college, but maybe that’s just me. In no way, shape, or form was this a thought out plan. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your souls.