Posts Tagged ‘China’

 

IFLScience: A Chinese hospital in Nanjing, capital of Jiangsu Province, has introduced a new machine that makes sperm donation even easier- an automatic sperm extractor. I’m all for hands-free technology, but have scientists gone a little too far with this invention? The effortless machine features a massage pipe that can be adjusted to suit the height of the user. All the gentleman has to do is plug in the frequency, amplitude and temperature and off they go. It’s also fitted with a small screen for those feeling uninspired. According to the director of the urology department of the hospital, the machine is designed to help individuals that are finding it difficult to retrieve sperm the old fashioned way. We’re not entirely convinced that standing in a room shared by many other people and being milked like a cow is going to help, but their efforts are commendable. Here’s to technology.

 

OK can we just get one thing out of the way–call it whatever you want but all this is is an advanced blowjob machine. Forget the hospital, you wanna make money throw this thing on the market. Especially in China. You’ll have one in every house by the end of one fiscal quarter. Not sure I’d be very open to sharing it though. Next up, clearly the woman in the video doesn’t know how this thing works or else I’m not sure she’d have her fingers in the mouth of that bad boy. Or maybe she would–the Chinese are fuckin freaks when it comes sex.
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Gawker: Watching porn on your work computer is never a good idea, but it’s an especially bad idea when your job involves testing a Jumbotron outside the train station of a major city in China. Last week, computer technician Yuan Mou inadvertently broadcast ten minutes of porn to hundreds of on-lookers gathered outside of the station in Jilin City. Yuan was hired by Southern Advertising Company to repair the giant LED screen, which had malfunctioned sometime in mid-June. Repairing the screen was apparently something of a full-time job, and Yuan took up residence inside the building the screen was attached to in order to finish the repair. One night last week, probably after a long day of work, Yuan fired up his DVD copy of The Forbidden Legend: Sex and Chopsticks on his work computer, not realizing that the computer was still connected to the LED screen. Approximately ten minutes later, he received a phone call from his employer, letting him know that the porno was being broadcast to hundreds of onlookers scattered throughout the station’s square. Yuan immediately disconnected his computer and ditched the DVD, but by then it was too late. Jilin police took him into custody for questioning on Friday, and he reportedly confessed, though it’s unclear if he’s been charged with any sort of crime.

I guess at least it wasn’t his webcam that was on broadcasting everything, right? Still has to suck tho. Guy works all day wiring up a massive jumbotron and gets in his room to take the edge off and next thing he knows his fetish video of girls popping ping pong balls out of their pussies is airing for all of downtown China to see. To top it off, the company that hired you knows exactly who is to blame and throws your name in the newspaper. I feel a ‘would you rather’ coming on.

 

I’m picturing this is what a Johan Santana fastball looks like these days. This Chinese woman just set females everywhere back about 10 years. I get that she’s no Dottie Hensen but never has ‘you throw like a girl’ been so stereotypically correct. Hey China, how about you give her a dummy grenade to throw and see what kind of arm she’s workin’ with first?

Gawker: Yesterday, rain in Shenzen, China caused a four-story sinkhole to open up right outside of a construction zone. A passing security guard was killed, despite an immediate response by paramedics. The footage was captured on two CCTV cameras and uploaded to the Chinese video site Youku (the most unoriginal attempt to copy the name of “Youtube”). The bad news here is that someone is dead. The good news is that your fears can be somewhat assuaged because even though there were 100 reports of sinkholes in China, experts are blaming “rapid and poorly-planned” development projects. With exception to some rare cases in Florida, the United States is relatively safe sinkhole-wise. If you look at the CCTV footage, you can clearly see that the ground looks extremely unsafe before the unfortunate guard passes by. There are significant cracks in the sidewalk; cracks that make the outline for the sinkhole.

 

Goddammit, Goddammit, Goddammit! I’ve said it so many times but I swear I feel like it’s only a matter of time before one of these things get me. Fuckin’ earth opening up all over the place and there’s no idea how to figure out where the next one will hit. I’m pretty confident this one in China is just the other end of the one that opened up in Florida swallowing that guy in his sleep. You can probably find him still in his bed down there with this Chinese security guard. Stay tuned for tomorrow’s next sinkhole story.

DailyMail: They are not known for their sexual prowess and their libidos are notoriously low. So conservationists in China are celebrating after a shy pair of pandas successfully mated while watching a porn video. Vets at the Panda Breeding and Research Base in Chengdu, Sichuan province, Southern China, were worried when inexperienced five-year-old female Colin kept rejecting her mate, Yongyong. To encourage the couple, they played the pair a film of pandas mating to show them what they should be up to. After that, staff at the centre said ‘there was no stopping them’. A spokesman for the centre said: ‘Every time Yongyong tried to mount her, Colin fought him off and we were worried she was going to miss her very short, three-day breeding cycle. ‘So we played them the film and she took great interest in it. ‘After that there was no stopping her and they mated successfully.’ One vet at the centre explained: ‘Colin is in her first year of sexual maturity. ‘In the wild she would have seen lots of other pandas mating so it’s no wonder that she needed a bit of help.’ The success rate of breeding giant pandas in captivity has been notoriously low. Few zoos outside China have managed to achieve results. Females are in season for such a small window and are also known to be very selective on their mates. Breeding in captivity has become vital to the giant pandas’ survival with the destruction of bamboo forests in China and south-east Asia. In the past Zoo keepers at the Chengdu  centre have put their charges through a rigorous exercise scheme – mainly involving apples – with the aim of improving their mating skills. The fruit is dangled from a string above the panda, luring it to stand on two legs. Keepers claim the technique teaches the creatures to perform a dance-like routine that strengthens the pelvic and hip area, boosting the animal’s stamina. The claim this form of  ‘sexercise’ should aid the males when mating.

 

So sounds like they are saying pandas are just like a fat, lazy married couple. I’m no zoologist but I’d say the key they were missing here is alcohol. You’re telling me a little bit of Jameson in their water bowl wouldn’t get things going? Yes, porn would help too, but if I’m a male panda locked in a cage with some fat bitch panda, and someone gives me alcohol and says you’re not leaving til we have baby pandas, she’s not making it out walking straight. After that, just throw a sandwich in my feeder, give me 10 minutes and I’ll continue to give you as many pandas as the population calls for. Not a bad gig the more I think about it but I’m just saying, why not give it a shot?

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EliteDaily: A Chinese student was so eager to profess his love for a woman that he bottled up his sperm and sent it to her. The woman, 19-year-old Zeng Lin, mistook the semen for moisturizer, and began applying it to her face before noticing it smelled peculiar. When the girl discovered what it was, Lin called the police, and Gou Wen, 22, was forced to compensate her with £200 ($300 US). “I love her so much but she didn’t know it and I didn’t know how to tell her, so I did that thinking it was the ultimate way to show love,” Wen said. “Now I know I was wrong, but I will find another way.”

 

First things first. That’s the penalty for sending a girl a cum bucket? $300?? A) where does that number come from? B) How often does this happen that they have a fine for it? Next line of business is this guy loving this chick so much that he thinks sending her his bottled man goo is the best way of telling her. I give him credit for the original idea but maybe next time stick to a card or flowers. A bottle of baby batter might come off a little serial killer-ish. Fuckin Asians man…

Side note: Was I misinformed when I was told semen was actually good for the skin or is that just the kind of girls I’ve been dealing with?

 

So This Chinese Slam Dunk Contest Happened

Posted: February 25, 2013 by subwaycreatures in Funny, Sports
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Was that the same guy just failing miserably each time or are there multiple people? Can’t tell. What I can tell however is that this dunk contest makes last weeks pathetic NBA dunk contest look amazing.

 

If you don’t have the strength the push a 67 year old geriatric off you while he eats your dignity and other Asians take pictures like they’re in Times Square, then you deserve to lose your ear as well as your balls. Scary scenario but come on, you’re 40 years younger!

 

Here’s what’s hard for me to understand. Since when were the trains in Asia so empty!? This is what I’m used to seeing over there:

New Beer Mug Gives Drink Instant Head

Posted: June 27, 2012 by subwaycreatures in Dumb
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Cause we can all use some head with our beer.