Giants/Jets Outlook: Week 5

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Despite all the injuries they’ve endured, the Giants are playing smash mouth football right now and that streak will continue right into this weekend. Seattle comes to GIANTS STADIUM Sunday where they are 1-6 all time. With not much to offer on either side of the ball, I’m actually surprised they are only receiving 9 points in this game. Expect the G-Men to light up the scoreboard and the defense to have another solid week and if Tuck returns, things might even get uglier. No fucking way do the Giants win this game by less than 9 points and I’m all over the U/O at 43.5.

419 Seattle Seahawks +9½  -110 +350
43½ O -110
U -110
17 O -115
U -115
420 New York Giants -9½  -110 -450
27 O -110
U -120
Week 5
Now…onto the goddamn Jets. I cannot fuckin predict one thing right with this team. They are all over the place. Not that it gets any better going into New England this weekend but the only light I can see at the end of the tunnel is how bad the Patriots defense is. No, I’m not saying the Jets are going to win this weekend but the 9 point spread has me scratching my chin. No doubt the Patriots will put up big numbers but I’m thinking the Jets might do the same thing. If Sanchez can put that miserable display of football last week behind him and actually throw an accurate pass, then they might be able to keep this game close. Also expect the Jets to do a lot of running in this game. I’m going to go out on a limb and say the Jets will lose but not by more than 9 points. Definitely taking that over at 48.5.
423 New York Jets +9  -110 +350
48½ O -110
U -110
20 O -110
U -120
424 New England Patriots -9  -110 -450
28½ O -125
U -105
Week 5

So The Trailer For ‘Paranormal Activity 3’ Made Me Shit Myself

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Little girls in nightgowns never fail to scare the shit out of me and this movie looks like that’s pretty much what it’s based on. I wasn’t too big on the first two of these movies but this one looks like it has potential. Considering I have the chills from only watching the trailer, I’m pretty sure this one will force me to sleep with a night light like I’m 4 years old again.

A Yankees Fan Vents…

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So just like any Yankee fan who woke up this morning, my friend needed to vent about the ridiculousness of last night. He asked me if he could send me something to post so of course I obliged. Anything to talk a friend off the ledge. In my opinion the right team won last night and if the Yankees plan on competing next season, they have a number of issues to address. But I’ll let Drags do the talking:

 

YANKEES BATS SAVED GIRARDI’S JOB
by Chris Drags

Last night the Yankees pulled off what took the Red Sox a full month to do
and did it in 1 day; they collapsed. They lost to an above average, but not
stellar, Detroit Tigers team at home, on their stage, playing by their rules
and were flat out embarrassed.  Don’t let the score fool you, the Yankees
were the worst team in baseball last night; and that is an indisputable
fact. They were 2 for 9 with runners in scoring position, 0 for 4 with the
bases loaded and they left 11 runners stranded; clearly this is the result
of $200 million at work.  It was not only frustrating as all hell but simply
sad.  The Yankees are a team that gloat more than Rex Ryan on a good day
about ‘Championship or bust’ but have only delivered on this once in the
past past decade.  The only aspect that came through last night was the
bullpen; the runs coming from starting pitchers; Nova’s two solo home runs
and CC’s “relief” ER.

The batting, their proclaimed strength, was abysmal throughout the entire
series and may have saved Girardi’s job; he can’t make ’em hit. A-Rod had an
A-Rod series batting .111,  Texiera continued to prove that he’s only a
glove at .167, Swisher, though entertaining as the Yankee Joker (dance for
us Swisher!!) continued to show that it’s  not all fun and games batting an
improved .211 and Martin, while putting on a clinic behind the plate, hit an
abysmal .176; maybe he would have done better against his hated Red Sox?
Jeter and Granderson (.250), Cano (.318), Gardner (.412). This leaves Posada
who hit an impressive .429 but was left looking like a sad child who keeps
wondering why no one wants to play with him; it was his last game as a
Yankee and he was the only one who played like a Yankee!!

It’s time to clean house.

Posada should get some sort of memorial in Yankee stadium, not monument
park, something equivalent to one step down as he won’t be on the team next
year.  Swisher, don’t let the door hit you on your giggling ass on the way
out.  Colon and Garcia served their purpose but need to make way for the
Killer B’s.  Chavez (who was kind of on the team) and Jones are gone.
Montero, IN.  Texiera is a $22.5 million glove and A-Rod is clearly past his
prime and an at best #5 hitter.   Cano, Granderson and Gardner are the only
redeeming qualities on the batting side, as long as Cano stops smiling like
a giddy school girl every time his hits a  home run; you’re team was still
down 3-1 and A-Rod was up next, the inning was over!! If second half Jeter
and Nova show up next year, and CC falls off the Captain Crunch wagon they
won’t fall on anyone’s chapping block.  It’s time to put Hughes in the
bullpen full time and bring up the Killer B’s (Banuelos and Betances) and
let them pull their version of the Rays utilizing home-grown pitching who
mow people down. It’s also time to cash in on Burnett’s one good game of the
season and trade him away for ANYTHING YOU CAN GET, even offer to pay $6
million of his contract.  Use the remaining $10.5 for a long innning relief
pitcher who is not Cory Wade and a quality second left handed reliever to
relieve Logan; this gives the killer B’s a security blanket next year.

Last night will not be the last time the Yankees make it to the post season,
not in a long shot, but last night did demonstrate why Cashman can’t go out
and buy up all the big money guys who play only during contract years.  It’s
time to find a new core four and let Jeter and Mo teach them the Yankee ways
before there aren’t any true Yanks left.  It was more than a chink in the
armor, it was a fatal blow.  Girardi has one year left to prove he can Billy
Beane his way to another championship, otherwise, next year this time, his
head will be where the Yankees bats are.

PinkVisual Has The Right Idea Building A Porn Bunker For The Coming 2012 Apocalypse

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PinkVisual:

As you might have read in the news this morning, we’re building an enormous underground bunker in preparation for the Apocalypse that various prognosticators and ancient calendar interpreters have predicted will take place in December of 2012. To answer the two main questions that are likely burning in your mind right about now (based on the responses we’ve received from media outlets to our press release this morning):

– Yes, we’re serious about this.

– No, I mean it: we really are building a great big underground bunker.

Why are we doing this, you ask? Look at this way; if the Apocalypse doesn’t happen in 2012, we will still have the coolest bunker on the planet, and we can use it as a location to shoot content in, rent it out to other studios –  maybe even major Hollywood studios – to use, or maybe even open a big underground strip club (although getting the requisite permits to do might be an issue with respect to that idea, admittedly). On the other hand, if the Apocalypse does happen, we’re in good shape, while all the people currently saying we’re nuts for building this bunker will be the ones who find themselves screwed.

 

Honestly, what does PinkVisual have to lose here? Love the idea and the floor plans look perfect. It’s really good to see they have their priorities together and I want in! While the rest of the world is killing each other for food and water, I’ll be sitting center stage drinkin’ bubbly and makin’ dollar bills rain on the hottest strippers around. I almost can’t wait for December 2012 now…

UFOs Make An Appearance Over NYC Last Night

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I don’t even wanna hear that “weather balloon and Chinese lantern” bullshit. We are probably going to be under attack by this weekend and it’s gonna fuck all my plans up! They always said if anything were to happen, NYC would be the first place they’d hit since we are the center of the universe and goddamn it I guess that time has come. I’m shocked I didn’t wake up this morning with a space ship hoovering over the Empire State Building with mandatory evacuations and Will Smith trying to save the day. Just like the guy said in the second video, “they want the major population centers wiped out.” Goddamn it just give me one more weekend!

Grocer Pleads Guilty To Giving Out Free Yogurt Samples Tainted With Semen

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MSNBC:

A grocery store worker accused of handing out a semen-tainted yogurt sample at an Albuquerque market pleaded guilty Thursday. Under terms of his plea agreement, Anthony Garcia admitted he tainted a sample of the yogurt he was handing out at Sunflower Market in January. He also admitted putting some of his semen on a plastic spoon that he placed with the yogurt. Garcia then approached a female customer and offered her a sample. “The criminal conduct to which Anthony Garcia pleaded guilty today is completely outrageous,” U.S. Attorney Kenneth J. Gonzales said after Garcia’s appearance in federal court. “No one should have to endure this type of experience simply because she or he accepts a food sample while shopping for groceries.” Garcia, 32, pleaded guilty to charges of adulterating food and making false statements to federal investigators. The woman told police that after tasting the sample, she spit on the floor several times and wiped her mouth on the garment she was wearing to get the taste out of her mouth. Investigators collected samples of the woman’s spit from the floor and took the garment she was wearing as evidence. Police say Garcia was linked to the yogurt through DNA samples. Authorities said Garcia then lied to investigators about the case. In court documents, federal prosecutors called the allegations “sickening and appalling.” Garcia faces up to three years of imprisonment to be followed by three years of supervised release. He has been in federal custody since his arrest in July and remained detained pending his sentencing, which has yet to be scheduled.

 

OK so what have we learned here today? 1) You can get up to 3 years for pulling the same prank that Van Wilder pulled. 2) The victim in this case is a spitter. 3) Police in New Mexico have so much free time that they treated this as if it were a multiple homicide crime scene. Did I read correctly that they took DNA samples of the woman’s spit off the floor plus confiscated her dress Monica Lewinsky style? I get that this was probably traumatizing for this lady but I can’t help but laugh when I think about what this guy’s face looked like as her spoon was going up to her lips. ‘Holy shit she’s actually gonna do it! She’s actually gonna do it! Ohhhhhh man! She did it!’ He totally gave himself up by his reaction, I’m convinced. Either way dude you’re gross and I will never try the free samples at the Trader Joe’s by me ever again. Thanks!

 

 

71-Year-Old Woman Caught Having Sex In Car In Middle Of The Day

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The Smoking Gun:

You thought after your 18th birthday you’d grown out of having sex in the back of the car. Not so for 71-year-old senior citizen Rita Daniels who was arrested for getting it on in the back of her Buick with a guy she picked up at a bar. Yes, it appears that Daniels and her 54-year-old boytoy Tim Adams met over drinks and decided to go screw in the back of Daniels’ car (whose license plate reads “DIVA 145”) in the parking lot of a restaurant in the middle of the day. Someone called the cops who found the car a-rocking and they came a-knocking on the steamy windows. When they asked Adams what he was doing he said, “I’m fucking this chick.” Oh man, all the details of this story just get better and better. They were both arrested for indecent exposure and public drunkenness and taken to jail. Hopefully Daniels behaved like a real diva and threw a fit or two (or at least hit on the guards) before being set free.

 

I mean, you go day drinking in the midwest and this is what you’ll most likely find but goddamn! How drunk must you be to have beer goggles where this chick looks even remotely decent?! Not that old Timmy boy here is any catch but look at grandma in this mugshot. Straight up looks like Cruella Deville, on crack, 40 years after 101 Dalmatians. And Tim’s mugshot is priceless. If that doesn’t look like the face of a guy who just got caught having sex in broad daylight with a nasty 71-year old hag, then I don’t know what it looks like. I can’t honestly say that it’s shame cause when they cops came to the window and asked him what he was doing, he simply replied “I’m fucking this chick.” Like it was no big deal and please close the door and walk away. Call me crazy but why do I get the feeling this isn’t Rita’s first time doing this?

Florida Politician Wants To Repeal Dwarf Tossing Ban

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Palm Beach Post:

Citing his “quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people,” a Republican state legislator has submitted a billthat would repeal Florida’s 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. He’s doing it for job creation! The bill’s sponsor, Melbourne-based Rep. Ritch Workman, told the Palm Beach Post that the “archaic” 1989 ban serves no other purpose than to “prevent some dwarfs from getting jobs they would be happy to get…In this economy, or any economy, why would we want to prevent people from getting gainful employment?” Make no mistake: Workman’s no fan of dwarf-tossing! He calls it “repulsive and stupid.” But he doesn’t believe the state should tell dwarves that they can’t be tossed for pay. Workman reportedly created his bill without talking to any little people, maybe because he didn’t know any or lost their numbers or JOBS. Meanwhile, past and present leaders of the Little People of America don’t support his bill at all:

“The people who were thrown [before the ban] were alcoholics with low self-esteem,” said [former Little People of America president] Robert Van Etten, 62, of Stuart. “Many of them were injured. One committed suicide.”

[…]

“[Dwarf tossing is] something that brings out the worst element in some people, and it’s focused on people who are the most vulnerable,” Van Etten said.

Finally a politician I can vote for! This guy was definitely in a frat in college. And way to cash in on the current economy and job situation. I agree! Give dwarfs, midgets, little people, etc. something to do! All we’re doing is creating jobs here. I had a friend who hired one of these little guys for St. Patrick’s Day and dressed him up in a leprechaun costume to take pictures and serve beer. You know what that little shit did? He got drunk off his ass, tried to rape a chick, and at the end of the night was asking everyone if they knew where he could get coke. See, midgets have habits they need to pay for too. Let’s not discriminate and make these people go underground. I support this bill all over America! I’m on your side little guys.

Side note: If this bill passes, what better way to celebrate than tossing little guys around your office!