Parent of the Year Award: Kindergartener Brings Moms Crack Pipe and Meth For Show and Tell

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A Sweet Springs, MO kindergartner brought his mother’s crack pipe to show-and-tell on Sept. 6. Sadly, the crack pipe wasn’t the only thing the kindergartner brought to school. He also brought some of his mother’s crystal meth. Unfortunately, it seems the little tyke was rather proud and fascinated with the items. Superintendent Donna Wright said, “He was very excited when he got to school. But I don’t think he knew what he had.” However, the child’s teacher realized what he had and didn’t allow him to show or talk about it. Instead, the teacher notified authorities. Wright said, “It didn’t ever get into the classroom. It was shocking. We’re not experienced with dealing with this.” Officers followed up on the incident and arrested the kindergartner’s 32-year-old mother, Michelle Cheatham, on drug charges. She was later able to post bail and is now free. Teachers and school authorities weren’t the only ones shocked by what happened. Police Chief Richard Downing said, “That was a first for show-and-tell in this town.” The town of Sweet Springs is very small with only 1,500 residents.


Congrats Michelle Cheatham! Not only did your kid know where to find your crack pipe and meth, but he brought it in for Show and Tell to explain to the other 5 and 6 year olds how to use it. While most kids are bringing in their pet rocks from the backyard, he brought in a completely different kind of “rock.” You wanna know what I brought for my Show and Tell in 3rd grade? I brought my hippie grandma who could tell the coolest life experiences I’ve ever heard. Did she do drugs back then? I hope so. Is she an alcoholic? Without a doubt. Did she share her stories to my class WHILE ON drugs or alcohol…? Shit I don’t know, probably. But the point here is, she didn’t talk about it or share it with the class because she was at least THAT responsible!

Also, this poor kid set the bar way too high for himself! How do you follow this up next year in 1st grade? Heroin and a syringe? 9mm and a few rounds of ammo? I’m just saying if he brings his pet iguana “Iggy” I would be extremely disappointed.

Big CNN Flub That Aired

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I’ve always said that old people should not be allowed to drive. It’s like giving the keys to a car to a 5 year old and this woman will be 104 next month?! And how about that car! As hood as they come. I was waiting for the hydraulics to kick in and watch that bitch bounce down the street. No wonder they accidentally played that music. It’s probably what grandma was listening to anyway. Reminded me of a great classic:

 

Giants/Jets Outlook: Week 2

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Giants failed everyone in NY last week and now they must make a statement on MNF. Week 1 was a ‘feel’em out’ game and we know what we’re working with now. No more room for mistakes. Rams come into this game with just as many injuries as the Giants and in key positions. Bradford has a hurt finger, Jackson has a strained quad (kind of important at his position), and Amendola is basically done for the year with a broken arm. No excuses for the Giants this week in the Meadowlands! I love the Giants -6 against this struggling Rams offense. I also like the over at 44 since the G-Men will be scoring a lot more than last week.

 

227 St Louis Rams +6  -110 +230
44 O -110
U -110
 

 
228 New York Giants -6  -110 -270  

 

 

The Jets played in a tough week 1 game and just like they were able to do last year, pulled off the win in the last remaining seconds. If you’re trying to tell me that the Jets aren’t going to beat Jacksonville by more than 8.5 points this week, you’re either crazy or a Jaguars fan. Jacksonville is awful this year and don’t even have a grasp on who is playing the most important position on the field for them. The Jets offense will be on the field most of this game and just raking in the fantasy points. At 39.5, I’m going under since I think the only way it’s going to get close to that is if the Jets score 40 points themselves.

 

201 Jacksonville Jaguars +8½  -110 +350
39½ O -110
U -110
 

 
202 New York Jets -8½  -110 -450  

 

Best Description Of A Car Crash Ever!

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So I think this guy should drink decaf. I thought my dad gave the best descriptions of car accidents until I came across this gem! I love this guy. Imagine what living with him would be like?

So dad, how was your day at work? Well I was trying to make copies today and BAM the friggin’ copier started eating my paper so I tried to pull it out and then all the sudden my tie got stuck and WHAP it started sucking me into the copier! I FLIPPED the machine over and people came over to help but they couldn’t get to me in time before I was sucking face with the copier. Oh man! I’m fine but someone took a video of it and when I watched it I was like AHHHHHH! DAMN!

Who the fuck am I kidding, this guy doesn’t work in an office. All I think of when I see him is Chris Farley and if this news station was smart, they would hire him for field reporting. I would watch the news every single night!

Seattle Seahawks QB Strikes It Rich!

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Now this is how you market your product!!!

Let’s face it, the Seattle Seahawks are a frigging joke, and quite honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the last time you ever read about them on the entire web.

But, for being so awful, QB Tavaris Jackson actually won a prize.  NuVo condoms are sending him a box of condoms as part of their ‘extra protection’ program.

Jackson was the most sacked (5) QB of week one, so he is the lucky winner.

NuVO plans to keep this campaign up all year.

What a great idea, the last thing we need in this world is for another NFL player to end up with 7 children with women from different states, a la Antonio Cromartie.

Here is a recent Cromartie family Holiday Card: (Don’t be a fool folks, wrap your tool!)


This New Drink Just Might Save Our Lives!

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MERCY is a non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated beverage containing nutritional supplements proven to help your body as it processes alcohol. This includes both hangover symptoms and alcohol flush (an uncomfortable and embarrassing condition that mainly affects those of Asian descent). Drinking MERCY provides both immediate and cumulative health benefits. The ingredients in each serving of MERCY helps your body detox, boosting your body’s defenses and replenishing key nutrients lost during a night of drinking. MERCY, taken during or shortly after alcohol consumption, encourages your body to produce more glutathione, a naturally occurring substance that neutralizes dangerous free radicals and helps the liver remove toxins such as acetaldehyde, the unhealthy byproduct of alcohol and the main cause of hangovers and alcohol flush.

 

Look at her! Just eye fucking me with rays of sunshine blistering out from behind. I heard when you crack the can a beam of light shoots out along with the joyful sound of laughing babies. It this true? Is this finally the drink that will save my Thursday – Tuesday hangovers? If so, I’ll take a case and give me 10,000 shares of stock! With my big birthday weekend coming up I will be pounding these like bottles of water in the desert. Now where can I find them…?