Month: October 2011

Grocer Pleads Guilty To Giving Out Free Yogurt Samples Tainted With Semen

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MSNBC:

A grocery store worker accused of handing out a semen-tainted yogurt sample at an Albuquerque market pleaded guilty Thursday. Under terms of his plea agreement, Anthony Garcia admitted he tainted a sample of the yogurt he was handing out at Sunflower Market in January. He also admitted putting some of his semen on a plastic spoon that he placed with the yogurt. Garcia then approached a female customer and offered her a sample. “The criminal conduct to which Anthony Garcia pleaded guilty today is completely outrageous,” U.S. Attorney Kenneth J. Gonzales said after Garcia’s appearance in federal court. “No one should have to endure this type of experience simply because she or he accepts a food sample while shopping for groceries.” Garcia, 32, pleaded guilty to charges of adulterating food and making false statements to federal investigators. The woman told police that after tasting the sample, she spit on the floor several times and wiped her mouth on the garment she was wearing to get the taste out of her mouth. Investigators collected samples of the woman’s spit from the floor and took the garment she was wearing as evidence. Police say Garcia was linked to the yogurt through DNA samples. Authorities said Garcia then lied to investigators about the case. In court documents, federal prosecutors called the allegations “sickening and appalling.” Garcia faces up to three years of imprisonment to be followed by three years of supervised release. He has been in federal custody since his arrest in July and remained detained pending his sentencing, which has yet to be scheduled.

 

OK so what have we learned here today? 1) You can get up to 3 years for pulling the same prank that Van Wilder pulled. 2) The victim in this case is a spitter. 3) Police in New Mexico have so much free time that they treated this as if it were a multiple homicide crime scene. Did I read correctly that they took DNA samples of the woman’s spit off the floor plus confiscated her dress Monica Lewinsky style? I get that this was probably traumatizing for this lady but I can’t help but laugh when I think about what this guy’s face looked like as her spoon was going up to her lips. ‘Holy shit she’s actually gonna do it! She’s actually gonna do it! Ohhhhhh man! She did it!’ He totally gave himself up by his reaction, I’m convinced. Either way dude you’re gross and I will never try the free samples at the Trader Joe’s by me ever again. Thanks!

 

 

71-Year-Old Woman Caught Having Sex In Car In Middle Of The Day

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The Smoking Gun:

You thought after your 18th birthday you’d grown out of having sex in the back of the car. Not so for 71-year-old senior citizen Rita Daniels who was arrested for getting it on in the back of her Buick with a guy she picked up at a bar. Yes, it appears that Daniels and her 54-year-old boytoy Tim Adams met over drinks and decided to go screw in the back of Daniels’ car (whose license plate reads “DIVA 145”) in the parking lot of a restaurant in the middle of the day. Someone called the cops who found the car a-rocking and they came a-knocking on the steamy windows. When they asked Adams what he was doing he said, “I’m fucking this chick.” Oh man, all the details of this story just get better and better. They were both arrested for indecent exposure and public drunkenness and taken to jail. Hopefully Daniels behaved like a real diva and threw a fit or two (or at least hit on the guards) before being set free.

 

I mean, you go day drinking in the midwest and this is what you’ll most likely find but goddamn! How drunk must you be to have beer goggles where this chick looks even remotely decent?! Not that old Timmy boy here is any catch but look at grandma in this mugshot. Straight up looks like Cruella Deville, on crack, 40 years after 101 Dalmatians. And Tim’s mugshot is priceless. If that doesn’t look like the face of a guy who just got caught having sex in broad daylight with a nasty 71-year old hag, then I don’t know what it looks like. I can’t honestly say that it’s shame cause when they cops came to the window and asked him what he was doing, he simply replied “I’m fucking this chick.” Like it was no big deal and please close the door and walk away. Call me crazy but why do I get the feeling this isn’t Rita’s first time doing this?

Florida Politician Wants To Repeal Dwarf Tossing Ban

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Palm Beach Post:

Citing his “quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people,” a Republican state legislator has submitted a billthat would repeal Florida’s 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. He’s doing it for job creation! The bill’s sponsor, Melbourne-based Rep. Ritch Workman, told the Palm Beach Post that the “archaic” 1989 ban serves no other purpose than to “prevent some dwarfs from getting jobs they would be happy to get…In this economy, or any economy, why would we want to prevent people from getting gainful employment?” Make no mistake: Workman’s no fan of dwarf-tossing! He calls it “repulsive and stupid.” But he doesn’t believe the state should tell dwarves that they can’t be tossed for pay. Workman reportedly created his bill without talking to any little people, maybe because he didn’t know any or lost their numbers or JOBS. Meanwhile, past and present leaders of the Little People of America don’t support his bill at all:

“The people who were thrown [before the ban] were alcoholics with low self-esteem,” said [former Little People of America president] Robert Van Etten, 62, of Stuart. “Many of them were injured. One committed suicide.”

[…]

“[Dwarf tossing is] something that brings out the worst element in some people, and it’s focused on people who are the most vulnerable,” Van Etten said.

Finally a politician I can vote for! This guy was definitely in a frat in college. And way to cash in on the current economy and job situation. I agree! Give dwarfs, midgets, little people, etc. something to do! All we’re doing is creating jobs here. I had a friend who hired one of these little guys for St. Patrick’s Day and dressed him up in a leprechaun costume to take pictures and serve beer. You know what that little shit did? He got drunk off his ass, tried to rape a chick, and at the end of the night was asking everyone if they knew where he could get coke. See, midgets have habits they need to pay for too. Let’s not discriminate and make these people go underground. I support this bill all over America! I’m on your side little guys.

Side note: If this bill passes, what better way to celebrate than tossing little guys around your office!


Man Has Child Porn Stolen From Home, Reports It To Police

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KCRA:

If you have 30 CDs stolen from you, it’s perfectly understandable that you’d go to the cops. If those 30 CDs are filled with child porn, on the other hand, well, the cops are likely to be less sympathetic. It was a hard lesson learned well by Kraig Stockard (making an appropriate child-pornographer face in the accompanying mugshot), who reported the theft of the CDs from his barn in September. Only, the thieves reported him, too:

Deputies said a juvenile and a 19-year-old who broke in and stole the CDs — about 50 of them, thinking they were blank — and later brought them home. When the pair asked a family member to upload some music onto the discs, the relative popped in one of the CDs and discovered the child pornography, deputies said. The finding prompted the pair to contact the Sheriff’s Department and explain the situation, according to the news release. Deputies then checked all the stolen CDs and found more than 30 of them contained child porn images, they said.

The cops arrested Stockard and seized “three computers, three laptops and several external hard drives”; he’s apparently admitted to downloading it and is facing child pornography charges. The robbers were not arrested.

 

This is why I keep my porn hidden in other DVD cases, in the back left drawer of my dresser, in a bag with a lock on it, under the socks. Kraig, Kraig, Kraig. What are we thinking here, brotha? Who reports stolen CDs? Especially CDs filled with your own personal collection of kiddie porn? Sometimes you just gotta chalk one up in the loss column and move on.

But I’m not sure that’s the real story here. So let me get this straight, two thieves BREAK INTO A HOME and STEAL ITEMS but no charges are ever filed against them? Why, because they admitted it and ratted this guy out? Great message you’re sending these two teens. And who breaks into a home and steals CDs? Grab the good stuff. I’d be taking anything and everything except for what didn’t fit in the pick-up! At least they’ll know who to go to when more CDs/DVDs turn up missing in their town. Just salt in the wound for Creeper Kraig here.

Woman Turns 100, Demands A Stripper At Her Party

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You shoot for the moon and you get a stripper.  I’m not gonna hate on you Claire, when I turn 100 there better be multiple strippers at my party. Strippers, alcohol, and loud music. I highly doubt I’ll make it that far with the lifestyle I have, but if I do, I wanna be motor boating until my heart stops. Are we sure this lady is definitely alive during all of this? Imagine living this long? She can’t even touch ‘Scorpion’ without someone spotting her hand because she’s so old. How much fun can that be? And does she talk? I wanna hear what this old bag has to say! She’s probably got the craziest stories to share. “Did I ever tell you about the time I played suck and blow during the Great Depression with Herbert Hoover?” Hey Claire, the times may have changed but you can never turn a ho into a housewife and that much I know.

Four Loko Makers Finally Admit Their Drink Is Equivalent To 4 Beers

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Poor Four Loko. The makers of this delightful beverage have been forced time and time again to alter their product and their packaging to appease the fun-hating SLA, FDA and general party-poopers across the country, and now, they’re being made to adapt once more to the growing tide of naysayers. This time, Phusion Projects is bowing to the demandsof the Federal Trade Commission, who accused the company of falsely advertising the potency of the beverage. But will the new labels deter customers, or just get them even more psyched to pick up some Blackout in a Can? Phusion had apparently been advertising that a 23.5-ounce can of Loko, at 11-12 percent alcohol, had the same amount of alcohol has one or two regular old 12-ounce beers and could be safely consumed in one sitting. As it turns out, a 23.5-ounce can of Loko actually has as much alcohol as four or five beers, which might explain why people are crashing their cars all over the place after sipping upon the beverage. The new labels will name the amount of alcohol in one can and compare it to the amount in a regular beer, so they’ll look something like this: “This can has as much alcohol as 4 regular (12 oz. 5 percent alc/vol) beers.” 

 

Thanks for this Phusion. Cause no one who has had a Four Loko before knew or found out the actual strength of your drink. I knew the first time I had one of these fuckin things that this was not going to be just any ordinary night of drinking. I’ll just leave it at this, I looked like the girl from The Exorcist by the end of the evening. Head spinning around on my shoulders, projectile vomiting on everyone. I didn’t know whether to run a 5k race or pass out standing up. Just living in a world of confusion. And of course I don’t remember this, it was what I was told 2 days later when I came to. I’m pretty confident I took 5-6 years off my life and my kids might be born with extra limbs because of the shit in this drink. The kicker is that it doesn’t even taste good! So again, thanks Phusion for the honesty!

 

Woman Saved When Breast Implant Stops Knife From Reaching Her Heart

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From Pravda, the story of a Moscow woman who was stabbed in the heart by her husband, but whose silicone breast implants absorbed the blade, preventing her from dying. Fake tits save lives. Because the implants — inserted five years prior, at the request of the husband — were so large, the knife “did not even reach the thorax.”

 

Well ain’t that a bitch! The very money you spent on your wife’s fake tits comes back to haunt you in the long run. How big were these monsters that the knife couldn’t even reach this chick’s heart? And what must they have felt like?! My advice to this guy? Stab her ANYWHERE else on her body. Why would you go for the one spot that she has the most padding?! I know hindsight is always 20/20 but if you really want your wife dead, I’m just saying plan it out better.

 

Was This Marion Barber’s First TD Ever?

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Nothing like pulling off the traditional 350 degree back flip to celebrate your first TD of the year. And he missed the first 3 weeks of the season due to a calf injury? I mean I wouldn’t want to play for the Bears either but c’mon man! All he needed to do was injure himself on that play and it would’ve summed up Chicago sports for ya…

Australian Bettles Are Dying From Too Much Sex With Beer Bottles

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“the beer bottles happen to possess all of the features that drive male Australian jewel beetles wild. They’re big and orangey brown in color, with a slightly dimpled surface near the bottom (designed to prevent the bottle from slipping out of one’s grasp) that reflects light in much the same way as female wing covers.”

 

God if I had a dollar for everytime I’ve heard this one. Just look at that bottle! Glistening in the sun, light reflecting off that smooth round glass, that gaping bottle neck just asking to get humped! How can you blame the beetle here? Problem is that the damn beetle doesn’t have enough spunk to go around for everyone and are wasting it all on these whore bottles. Hey Australia, clean up your goddamn streets and we wouldn’t have this problem.

 

Sidenote: What’s up with the beetles dick being half the size of it’s body? Would it be wrong to start the phrase ‘hung like a beetle?’