Category: Funny

Bitch News Anchor Ruins Christmas For Any Kids Watching Fox News

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What a baaa-humbug cunt. Listen bitch, obviously everyone knows there’s no Santa but there’s no need to ruin it for everyone who thinks there is! I remember like it was yesterday when my mom left the PC Richards sticker on the box that was titled “FROM SANTA.” Worst day of my life. I wanted to run through the streets causing complete and utter anarchy. I also remember the day she broke the news to my sister and I almost had to get a straight jacket out. This bitch should be held responsible for every reaction that any parents have to deal with after that aired. I’m not sure how she still had a job the next day to even make an apology, if that’s what you want to call it, but I hope she’s visited by three ghosts before December 25th who slap her around until she’s a believer.

 

Side note: When kids find shit like this out, it always leads to more questions: What about the Easter Bunny? What about the Tooth Fairy? What about Jesus? Thanks Robin Robinson!

If I Ever Got This Friend Request I’d Delete My Facebook

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Averve:

What’s the best way to scare a guy into using a condom? How about sending him a creepy Facebook friend request from the baby he might have if he doesn’t use one? Brazilian agency AGE Isobar organized just such an insidious campaign for Olla condoms recently, as outlined in the case-study video below. The agency apparently targeted specific guys and created actual Facebook profiles for their unborn children (by tacking “Jr.” on to their names), who then attempt to friend Daddy. Kind of a clever idea, though labor intensive—and surely against Facebook’s usage guidelines.

 

I don’t need Facebook bad enough to be accepting friend requests from my future children. Delete that shit, lay low for a while, and good luck on your quest you little bastard. In all seriousness though what a dumb idea. If my brain didn’t tell me to use a condom, then what makes you think it’s going to tell me to think about recent friend requests I received on Facebook. Besides, everyone knows it’s impossible to get a girl pregnant if she’s on top. It’s pure science.

Kids Bring The Christmas Spirit To Mommy Early

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Youtube:

Mommy was not feeling well and had to stay in the bathroom longer than usual during which my two boys, ages 1 and 3 took my new bag of flour out of the cupboard and destroyed my house. This is from ONE 5lb bag. Don’t believe me? Hand a full bag to a 3 year old and see what happens.

 

What do you honestly expect Mom? You dress your kid like Oliver Twist and the Hamburglar and this is what you’ll get. Little Zack and his brother playing ‘flour bag explosion’. I love the little kid at the 1:49 mark. “See? See? See, ya dumb bitch? I dare you to leave me in a room by myself again!”

Transgender Gives Butt Implants With Fix-A-Flat And Other Random Items

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NYDailyNews:

A transgender woman in South Florida faces charges of practicing cosmetic surgery without a license, after police say she injected an unwitting patient’s buttocks with a handful of unsafe substances, including tire mender Fix-A-Flat, NBC reported. The botched butt implant sent the unidentified woman to the hospital, and landed Oneal Ron Morris, who is legally identified as a man, in cuffs. Miami Gardens Police arrested Morris, 30, on Friday, following an investigation by the Florida Department of Health. Sgt. William Bamford said the illegal procedure took place in May 2010, after the woman and Morris met to discuss details, according to ABC. “They agreed on the price of $700 for the procedure, which was intended for cosmetic purposes,” he said. The injection took place in a residential setting, where Morris shot a mix of cement, glue, mineral oil and tire sealant into the woman’s buttocks, ABC reported. “[A] short time later, she develops very serious pains, abdomen, throughout her body,” Bamford told the network affiliate. “She knows something’s wrong.” The woman rushed to Tampa General Hospital, where she was treated for infection and pneumonia, but would not divulge Morris’ name, according to the report. Hospital officials contacted the Dept. of Health, but it took investigators months to track down Morris. Police suspect there are other victims, and urge them to come forward.

Not for nothing but when you show up for your under-the-table surgery for butt implants and this walk of life shows up to do it, at what point do you say to yourself ‘hmmm, I really don’t want my ass to look like that thing’s. Maybe I shouldn’t go through with this.’ This woman really isn’t a good walking advertisement for herself so I’m gonna go ahead and presume that all of her clients are blind. I’m not too sure when black women all the sudden needed butt implants but I’m sure this idiots thought process was simple. ‘Fix-A-Flat is used to prevent tires from going flat, so it must also prevent asses from deflating.’ She was probably better off sticking an air pump up the woman’s ass and manually blowing it up. Just as effective.

Grandma Claims She Is Constantly Groped In Bed By A Ghost

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Daily Mail:

A grandmother claims she is being haunted by a poltergeist who continually gropes her as she tries to sleep. Doris Birch, of Herne Bay, began experiencing the nocturnal disturbances in her flat four months ago. The 73-year-old said: ‘It’s like an octopus. I was lying in bed when I felt this creepy pair of hands. ‘I kicked frantically and it went away. ‘I’ve tried sleeping without the duvet. But it started shaking my mattress. ‘I even threw the mattress off the bed and bought a new one but it has made no difference. ‘This is very creepy and is giving me the jitters. It’s harassing me. ‘I need to call in the Ghostbusters.’ Mrs Birch, who lives alone, says she has consulted a vicar who believes the disturbances are being caused by a ‘lost spirit’, according to the Canterbury Times. The former nursing home assistant has had a promise from a local husband-and-wife ghost hunting team to send the poltergeist packing. Spirit medium Ray Herne says he will draw the ghost into him while his wife Beryl will capture it in a ‘vortex of light’ and send it to the ‘other side’.

 

I can totally relate to this woman. Growing up through puberty I had nocturnal disturbances every other night and let me tell you, it made for long nights and weird mornings, especially when you’re sharing a room with your two brothers. Mrs. Birch needs to lighten up and go with the flow. Be happy someone stills wants to feel you up at 73-years old. It’s like that scene from Ghostbusters when Ray catches a hummer from the ghost floating over his bed. I would only hope that would happen to me but I don’t think ghosts are coming to NYC anytime soon.

Side note: I watched Ghostbusters every week growing up and never knew what was really going on in that scene until high school. Explains a lot about my childhood.

Drunk Guy Tries To Play With Curious George At Zoo [Graphic Video]

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AP:

Joao Leite Dos Santos thought it might be fun to play with the monkeys at the Sorocaba Zoo near Sao Paulo. Dos Santos, not expecting aggressive behavior from the animals, hopped a short fence in order to get closer, while many bystanders stood back laughing or videotaping the incident. According to the AP, he was drunk at the time he approached the spider monkeys. In the graphic video it’s apparent that the encounter didn’t end well for the mechanic. The monkeys quickly assessed him as a threat, and easily bit him on the arm and hand, causing severe bleeding. As MyFoxNY points out, he’s lucky the monkeys didn’t want to get into the water, or his fate could have been much worse. Park officials eventually removed the man from the pen and transported him to the hospital (he was eager to leave after the attack), but it’s unclear if any charges will be brought against him, or if the pain of injury was enough.

Why do people always think that just because certain animals look cute, they are harmless? And where are the goddamn moat crocodiles when you need them? They are wild animals and there is a reason they are in a closed pen with a frickin’ moat surrounding them. Just go ask the chick on Oprah who had her face eaten off by her pet ape.

Gotta love the cooperation by the monkeys here though. Check out how the bigger one acts as an anchor and holds the little guys tail while he flails at the drunk asshole who is trying to snuggle with them like a little kid going to bed. Serves you right. You try to play with the wild animals and you’re going to get your arm gnawed on and rescued by a bunch of guys in Osh Kosh jeans.

Couple Engage In Sex Act In Back Of Cop Car While Handcuffed

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HuffPost:

A couple arrested in a Texas fast-food restaurant on drug charges got amorous in the backseat of a cop car taking them to jail on Monday, according to the Montgomery County Police Reporter. Even with their hands cuffed behind their backs, Howard Windham’s pants were somehow unbuttoned and lowered enough for his partner in crime, Tina Marie Arie to perform oral sex. It’s a feat that would impress the lascivious side of Harry Houdini. A constable’s deputy in Porter, outside Houston, noticed that something was up when he looked in the rearview mirror and allegedly saw Arie’s head in Windham’s lap. Arie explained that she was tired, according to the Police Reporter, but the law officer said he saw what was going down and ordered them to break up the hanky-panky. They got into trouble in the first place, because a friend of theirs was passed out in a Whataburger franchise at 2 pm, The Houston Chronicle says. When the officer rustled through the intoxicated man’s pockets to find ID, he came across dozens of painkillers, according to the Police Reporter website. Shortly thereafter, Windham, 30, allegedly tried to drop a pill on the floor, but got caught doing it. Arie, 44, was allegedly holding drugs too, according to The Chronicle. She had prescription bottles of Hydrocodone and Soma. She told police that their knocked-out pal took drugs from her, according to KSAT. Windham was charged with possession of a controlled substance while Arie got booked for delivery of a controlled substance. Their unnamed accomplice was taken to the hospital.

There’s one for the the ol’ bucket list. Getting head in the back of a police car while handcuffed. CHECK.

I don’t see where the huge mystery is on how this guy’s pants were unbuttoned. Just because your hands are handcuffed behind your back doesn’t mean you can’t use them. She clearly unbuttoned his pants by turning her back to him and got to work. They probably could have even finished too if it weren’t 2PM in the afternoon and all of Texas could see into the back of the cop car including the cop who was driving. What’s worse than going to jail? It would have to be going to jail with blue balls, right? I’ll give an A for effort, B- for execution, and F for getting themselves in that position in the first place.

BaconLube Hits The Market

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HuffPost:

You’re not a piece of meat — but you can still be a “bacon lover.” The pork-o-philes at J & D’s Foods say they’re cooking up their first genuine batch of Baconlube. For just $11.99 plus shipping, you can lather up in their smokey, salty, and delicious lubricant-massage oil. Of course, such an outrageous offering should be taken with a grain of J & D’s signature bacon salt. In April 2009, the company introduced the same product — also known as the “McRib of Sex” — as an April Fools Day joke. “But when the joke ended, the emails kept coming,” J & D’s website explains. “People harassed us via email, in public and in highly inappropriate ways (thanks for that). The waiting list grew to over 3,000 people. Expectations were built.” The news is particularly exciting for Canadian bacon lovers, who will no longer be forced to choose between their two favorite past times. “So you’re welcome Canada, you’re welcome — we’ve got your back,” a press release obtained by the Toronto Star said.

 

The ‘McRib of Sex’. God, doesn’t that sound hot? I just wanna see the people on the ‘waiting list’ for this shit. I’ve seen some of the chicks my friends take home and all I’m gonna say is the smell of bacon might be a little bit of a distraction for these girls. Personally, I like to keep the smell of food separate from what happens in the bed but then I thought of one positive that might come from this. It might be a stretch but if you use this enough, your girl will turn into one of Pavlov’s dogs and always associate the smell of bacon with sex. You won’t be able to go into an IHOP or Denny’s without getting humped until your Grandslam comes. Someone please order this and tell me about your experience.

 

Check Out This Tranny Rolling On E And Pole Dancing On The A-Train

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Wow. Wow. Wow. What a mess! This Mexican tranny has to be rolling on E or just plain out of it’s mind. But just like most of them, it sees the camera and has to steal the spotlight. Doesn’t this subway creature hear the little kid begging her in Spanish to stop? Even he knows he’ll never be able to ride the train the same way again.

And if there were ever a more disgusting thing to see on public transportation, it has to be this thing licking the hand railing like it’s in the ‘Lickable Wallpaper Room’ in Wonka’s Factory. Out of all the videos you’ve seen on CSC, you know the disgusting and vile things that happen on these trains and the kind of people who hold onto those railings so I really give this chick/dude 24 hours to live before it dies of some unheard of disease. Oh, and by the way, think of this video the next time you are riding the A-Train and holding onto the pole.