No, this isn’t a scene from ‘Coming To America’. This was my friends nice, quiet, peaceful ride home from work on the NJ Transit last night. ‘I gotta get the hell off this bus! I gotta get the off this bus! And I’m gonna get off this bus and I’m gonna get me somethin’ to drink’ is exactly what everyone else on the bus is thinking also, I’m sure. I just hate it when I get drunk and think out loud to myself too. It’s got me in so much trouble in the past. ‘What the hell is this girls name? I hope she doesn’t ask me what her name is cause I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I have no fuckin’ clue what it is.’ And that’s usually when I realize I said it out loud. Exit stage left.
Side Note: There’s nothing that scares me more than a drunk black chick because they are the most likely to come at you if you even look at them the wrong way and there is absolutely nothing you can do. It’s like crossing a bridge when a train is coming.
A 70-year-old man from Zimbabwe narrowly escaped a crocodile attack as he crossed the Chivake River with his pants off — but he lost part of his testicles and suffered a few broken bones in the melee. Jonah Maturure told the Sunday News that he’d taken off his trousers and put them in a tomato box above his head before he crossed the river. He’d crossed the same spot in the same river several times before, but this time, a giant croc was waiting for him. “I was not suspecting anything … But when I was almost in the middle of the river I was attacked,” he told the news website. “It mauled a chunk of my buttocks before attacking my manhood, tearing my testicles into shreds. The skin covering my manhood was partly torn but I quickly put my thumb in its mouth … It then grabbed my hand and I could hear my bones cracking.” Realizing that he wasn’t going to save his personal possessions, he threw his tomato box in the river, The Sun reported. That move may have saved his life. The beast loosened its death grip and swam straight for the tomato box. Maturure escaped, bleeding profusely from his nethers, and ran to a nearby house for help. The battle was just one of a string of crocodile attacks recently in Gutu, an area with a spread-out population of just 78 people per mile.
Wouldn’t wanna live through this. That’s all I was thinking while reading this. But hey, you cross a murky river with no pants on just dangling your dick in a croc’s face, you get what you deserve, right?
No way in fuckin’ hell I would cross a river in Zimbabwe, pants or not. I’ve watched way too much Planet Earth to know better than that. Croc’s are just the beginning of what would swallow your dick whole. Piranhas, snakes, and hippos are all on the list of animals that would love to just rip your manhood off and not even think twice about it. If I watched a croc eat my balls off and feed them to it’s young, I would swim over and let it finish the job. No point in living after that but something tells me Jonah will be taking the long way around the river next time.
So Halfy here had parts of his brain and skull removed after he was driving on drugs, hit a pole, and flew through his front windshield. Somehow doctors were able to save him and just like any person who was just used as a human projectile, Halfy is right back at it smoking weed on Youtube. I mean, the brain is so overrated anyway, right? Other than people being able to eat cereal out of the top of his head, I was trying to think of other advantages to having this guys dome. Maybe half price hair cuts, he gets high that much quicker, and immune to zombies. So, uh, pretty much it blows.
HuffPost: NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Peter Kantorowski wanted his 98-year-old mother to move into a nursing home or live with him. She wouldn’t go; she didn’t want to leave her home of nearly 60 years. Finally, Kantorowski went to court – and served his mother with an eviction notice shortly before her 98th birthday in December. Mary Kantorowski says she won’t leave the small yellow house she’s been in since 1953, raising her two sons and cooking for the church she attended daily. The house her late husband wanted her to stay in until she died; the house she says is her “everything.” “I don’t know why he wants me to leave,” she said Friday. The epic mother-son feud is headed to court next month. Peter Kantorowski, 71, became the owner of the Fairfield home several years ago when his mother transferred ownership to him but retained the right to live there, in what’s known as a quit claim, Mary Kantorowski’s attorney said. The retired taxidermist said he’s concerned about her well-being, that she’s seemed disoriented and has been living in poor condition. “I’m not throwing her on the street,” he told WTNH-TV in New Haven. “At her age, at 98, I’m sure that she should be with people of her peers. She should have her meals on time.” Peter Kantorowski and his attorney didn’t return telephone messages left by The Associated Press on Friday. Mary Kantorowski’s attorney, Richard Bortolot Jr., said she can take of herself, still does some of her own cooking and is seen regularly in her home by doctors and nurses. A judge ruled she was competent and appointed Bortolot to represent her in the eviction. Her younger son, Jack Kantorowski, says his mother is in relatively good health. He’s on his mother’s side of the family feud. “If there is a money problem or anything else, he should have said something a long time ago instead of just trying to get rid of his own mother,” Jack Kantorowski said. Peter Kantorowski, who lives about 20 minutes away in Trumbull, hasn’t seen his mother for eight months, her attorney said. “I’m appalled a son would do this,” Bortolot said. Jack Kantorowski said his father worked multiple jobs to buy the house and built additions over the years. “He was always trying to protect my mom; she’d always have a place to live,” he said. “If something happens to me, there was always going to be a home for her to stay for the rest of her life.” Peter Kantorowski filed a complaint against his mother in December after she refused to follow an eviction notice filed Nov. 30 to vacate the premises by Dec. 7. A trial is set to begin March 2 in Bridgeport Superior Court. Bortolot says a probate court stopped Peter Kantorowski from trying to sell the house, valued at $330,000, after the eviction papers were served. Asked where she might live next, Mary Kantorowski’s voice catches. “I don’t feel very good about it,” she says. “I want to stay right here in my own home.”
Right off the bat let me say I hate this guy. This is the woman who gave birth to you, raised you, and made you the person you are today and for her 98th birthday you kick her out of the house she’s been living in for 60 years. What the fuck do you care what your mother is doing at home, you haven’t spoken to her in 8 months anyway! You know what Peter, I say if she has to go, you have to too. I don’t like the way you’re living over there in Trumball and at age 71, you’re a candidate for assisted living as well. There are three things that are absolute kryptonite for old people: Stairs, solid food, and taking them away from what they’ve known all their life. Example. Andy Rooney retires from a TV show he’s done all his life, month later dead. Joe Paterno forced into retirement, soon after, dead. Something about changing old people’s routine that kills them.
So ultimately, yes, she’s probably unable to walk around and shitting her pants on spot, but at least she’s happy and alive doing it…asshole.
Get used to it Kate, you’re in the spotlight now. You’re gonna get grilled like this all the time about every move you make. But nice recovery with the whole sister thing. If you want it to go away, just tell everyone you got rung out like a dish towel by Mark Sanchez and all will be forgotten.
But honestly, how is this chick only 19? Someone please test her for PEDs.
Pretty sure that was just an impersonation of a motorcycle changing gears on the highway but hey, we can’t all be the guy from Police Academy. I’m gonna say that this kid just needs to ride out his dream of having super powers cause who am I to say otherwise? It’s one more job than most of his friends probably have so may the force be with you. By the looks of when he took his shirt off, he’s soooo close to his dream too.
Side Note: Was anyone else just waiting for his mother to yell from downstairs “Jesus Christ, for the last time shut the fuck up!”
HuffPost: Authorities in Florida say they arrested two rowdy women on Wednesday after their rejected flash-for-beer money offers led to an alleged knife attack in a restaurant parking lot, according to a Lee County Sheriff’s report obtained by The Huffington Post. Lee County sheriff’s deputies arrived at The Waterfront Restaurant in St. James City at approximately 5:21 p.m. after two “disorderly females” — Alicia Martin, 28, and Kathryn Rayannic, 23 — allegedly decided to get creative in an attempt to keep their “excessive” bar tab going. “They were offering to show their boobs for drinks,” waiter Shaun Bassett told NBC-2. “We had five guys that were like, ‘Please, leave us alone.’ They actually went up to tables who had their wives there.” With no takers — and management hardly enthused — Martin and Rayannic were asked to leave. That’s when things got ugly. Two restaurant employees, chef John Miller and a manager Anissa Peterson, attempted to escort the women outside, at which point Martin allegedly “attacked Peterson, by punching her to the back of the head causing her to sustain a lump,” according to the report. The Waterfront employees say they confiscated Martin’s car keys. “Martin screamed at Miller to giver her keys back and then pulled a gray Kershaw, folding knife from her right pocket and charged Miller telling him she was going to stab him,” according to police. “Miller who was in fear for his safety retreated and Marin put away the knife and attacked Peterson again.” Martin is charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and battery. Rayannic is charged with disorderly conduct.
You know it’s time to make a change in your life when 5 drunk guys at a bar turn you down to see your flabby tits. Yea, no thanks, maybe after 5 more pitchers of PBR when I’m near unconsciousness. These chicks have no one to be mad at except for themselves so I don’t know why they are pulling knives on people. And as for the bartender, your tip was the show they were putting on at the bar and getting to be on TV? You’re on the WBBH local news and the experience you got from watching this was something that probably resembled what it looks like if you go to a strip club on a Tuesday afternoon. Demand a tip next time.
SubwayCreatures 