"People watch from the safety of your phone"
Kourtney Kardashian tweeted this picture of “God’s hands in a cloud.” Someone should really send her this link and tell her it’s actually a photoshopped picture of some dude ripping open his anus.
Wow! Yes, people like this really exist and they should not be allowed to procreate. The world would be such a better place without the Kardashian sisters. Epic fail!
Are you my daddy? So this dude is going to marry blondie here and this is the first time she’s hearing that his spunk has fathered around 70 kids? What else you got for us guy? So I’m sure his thinking was ‘as long as I’m gonna beat off, might as well make some money outta the whole deal.’ But here’s the part he probably never thought of. A) When he’s in a situation like right now and has to admit to a chick that he’s related to half of the tri-state area. B) When those little bastards grow up they’re going to come asking for college money and a relationship with their real father. It’s gotta be hard enough with 1 but you got 70 running around? You better hope that none of them grow up to be like you and they take the other route and become successful and/or athletes. Cause if not, brotha you got big problems coming your way…
So this is an ad for Lynx? WTF is Lynx? Apparently it’s the British version of Axe Body Spray only their ads go a bit further. So you’re telling me that if I wear Lynx, chicks will publicly blow me without any questions asked? Sold and give me 10,000 shares of stock. Axe never promised me that. I don’t give a shit if it’s just an ad, I want what this guy’s got going for himself here and if Lynx says it could happen then why would they lie? Get me Lynx and get me it now!
Side note: What in fuck is going on with the clown in the background?
So I guess this is what we call a white person drive-by? Very nonchalantly coast by yelling racist comments? But holy shit do I love how this guy handles this! Just hoses crazy legs down like a dog that just shit where it wasn’t suppose to. I only wish the hose was longer so he could really drown tubby right there in the street. Just another day in Compton I guess. And who waters their lawn with holy water? I’m assuming that’s what it was since this fat bitch was miraculously cured when she got doused with it. She got up faster than a sacked QB in a 2 minute drill. Fuckin white people, I tell ya!
Ahhhhh the good ol’ ‘Mike Hunt’ prank! Come one man this one’s been around forever. Christ, I remember doing this in 6th grade when we would have a substitute teacher and everyone had to sign in for attendance and then the sub would call out the names on the list. Others included Amanda Hugenkis, Seymour Hiney, and Ben Dover. How the hell did no one laugh while he was calling this out? Hey LA, lighten up!
No need to watch all 8 minutes of this clip to see what’s going on. Just keep fast forwarding and you’ll see this soccer player’s shirt go from light blue to dark grey. Is this a press conference or is this guy on trial for murder? I have no idea what kind of questions this guy was being asked but he was sweating like his wife was asking him about where he was the night before and why his dick smells like sex. Dude lost 10 lbs of water weight from talking into a microphone. Can you imagine playing poker with this guy? ‘Ah, Walter do you mind not sweating all over my new poker table? Oh, and I’m gonna go ahead and call your bluff and go all in.’ Must suck to get off the field, shower, reach the press conference in your nice clothes, and sweat more than you did when you were actually on the field. I definitely smell an antiperspirant/deodorant endorsement coming this guys way.
The saying ‘once a man, twice a child’ couldn’t ring more true right here. This guy is LOVING the fact that he can see himself on his computer. Obviously this couple do not have mirrors in their house if they are just now realizing they have cracks and wrinkles on their faces. If this is going to be anything like my retirement then I’m glad I’m currently living in a world where I’ll never be able to retire anyway. You gotta appreciate this guy’s game though. He starts with ‘oh look how pretty your hair is’ and goes straight into ‘pull down yourdress and show your boobies.’ Fuckin old people!
Sidenote: Thanks for hitting STOP before shit got wild in that room.
I’ve always said that old people should not be allowed to drive. It’s like giving the keys to a car to a 5 year old and this woman will be 104 next month?! And how about that car! As hood as they come. I was waiting for the hydraulics to kick in and watch that bitch bounce down the street. No wonder they accidentally played that music. It’s probably what grandma was listening to anyway. Reminded me of a great classic:
So I think this guy should drink decaf. I thought my dad gave the best descriptions of car accidents until I came across this gem! I love this guy. Imagine what living with him would be like?
So dad, how was your day at work? Well I was trying to make copies today and BAM the friggin’ copier started eating my paper so I tried to pull it out and then all the sudden my tie got stuck and WHAP it started sucking me into the copier! I FLIPPED the machine over and people came over to help but they couldn’t get to me in time before I was sucking face with the copier. Oh man! I’m fine but someone took a video of it and when I watched it I was like AHHHHHH! DAMN!
Who the fuck am I kidding, this guy doesn’t work in an office. All I think of when I see him is Chris Farley and if this news station was smart, they would hire him for field reporting. I would watch the news every single night!
Now this is how you market your product!!!
Let’s face it, the Seattle Seahawks are a frigging joke, and quite honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the last time you ever read about them on the entire web.
But, for being so awful, QB Tavaris Jackson actually won a prize. NuVo condoms are sending him a box of condoms as part of their ‘extra protection’ program.
Jackson was the most sacked (5) QB of week one, so he is the lucky winner.
NuVO plans to keep this campaign up all year.
What a great idea, the last thing we need in this world is for another NFL player to end up with 7 children with women from different states, a la Antonio Cromartie.
Here is a recent Cromartie family Holiday Card: (Don’t be a fool folks, wrap your tool!)
SubwayCreatures 