So Was There Anything More Awkward Than Courtney Stodden’s Public Breast Exam? Ah, no.

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So for those of you who have been living under a rock for the past few months, Courtney Stodden is the 17-year-old who got her mother’s permission to marry creepy 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson (“actor” from LOST). The two have been making headlines for their bizarre relationship and constant PDA plus, recent rumors popped up that Courtney has had a bunch of plastic surgery including a boob job that she vehemently denies. So what’s next? Go on Dr. Drew to have a public breast exam to prove everyone wrong of course!

This one goes up there on the awkward scale. The silence in the studio, the seriousness of everyone’s face, the occasional “OH’s” and “AH’s”. This might be sandwiched on the list between getting caught jerking off and farting in front of your girlfriend for the first time. As much as this couple drives me nuts for being in the news for absolutely no reason, Dr. Drew easily tops them. Fuckin’ guys always criticizing people and belittling them and making himself seem superior. That’s why I thought it was a great moment when he thought he caught this bitch in a lie and then BAM! Sorry Doc it was just a bone we were looking at. Tits are real. Drew’s face was priceless like ‘give me that goddamn probe, there’s no way!’ I don’t blame you for thinking that though Drew. No girls from my school looked like this when I was 17 either.

 

Couple Steal Police Vehicle For Sex Joyride, Promptly Stopped

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PalmBeachPost:

LAKE WORTH — A 59-year-old man was booked into the Palm Beach County Jail after he admitted to stealing a Palm Beach County Sheriff’s vehicle so he could have intimate time with a woman, a probable cause affidavit says. Alexander Pratt and 53-year-old Clara Pearson, both of Lake Worth, were arrested Thursday night on charges of grand theft auto. A sheriff’s probable cause affidavit says that plainclothes deputies from the sheriff’s auto theft task force parked their green Honda Civic in front of a Quick Stop on South Dixie Highway. The Civic, which is owned by the sheriff’s department and has video, audio and GPS surveillance, was left unlocked while running. Pratt and Pearson got into the car and backed the vehicle out onto Dixie Highway heading southbound toward Lantana Road. Spotted by deputies, they followed the Civic and conducted a traffic stop at Lantana Road and Interstate 95, the affidavit says. Pearson and Pratt were taken into custody and Pratt told deputies he knew the car was stolen but didn’t regret it because he wanted to “go to have intimate relations with Pearson,” the affidavit says.

The only thing that gets me in the mood for sex more than a Honda Civic is one that is unoccupied, unlocked, and has the engine running in a parking lot. Game over. Only problem here is that Alex and Clara jumped into the one Honda Civic that belongs to the sheriff’s department and is equipped with video, audio, and GPS.  Talk about shitty luck. The only thing that I’ll give them props for is that they stuck by their story of why they stole the car but now Alex is going to jail with the worst case of blue balls.

Even More Bizarre Pictures Of Bieber’s Baby Mama

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Holy shit Biebs! What kind of cluster fuck did you get yourself into? Your girlfriend left you, you hooked up with a subway creature and now you might have a kid on the way at age 17. I want to sit here and hope you had just finished smoking salvia with Miley Cyrus when you met this chick but a part of me is just saying that’s not the case. I’m confident even I couldn’t do this bad on my drunkest night. Please come up with some elaborate story to back these allegations up ASAP or give her hush money! I want this girl out of the news and I never want to hear about her again.

 

UPDATE: Apparently Biebs is still with his girl, he’s going to take a DNA test to prove this bitch wrong, and this psycho who claims Biebs knocked her up has pulled this stunt with her ex so clearly she’s looking for money and attention. Fuckin’ chicks man…

Giants/Jets Outlook: Week 9

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Let’s start with the Jets. Big division game this week IN Buffalo. Hopefully the Jets are coming off a well rested BYE week because they will face a surprising Bills team who have taken one lose all season. I like that the Jets are the underdogs here because it should be motivation for them to play harder and with Plaxico coming off that 3 TD performance, I feel like they can win this game outright. Whenever I see a 2 point spread I always take the money line because let’s be honest, if the Bills win it’s going to be by more than 2 points. I’m taking Jets money line all day and the UNDER at 44.

411 New York Jets +2  -110 +110
44 O -110
U -110
21 O -115
U -115
412 Buffalo Bills -2  -110 -130
23 O -115
U -115
Week 9
Giants have the highly anticipated 4:15pm game this week in Foxboro. As a Giants fan I’m not looking forward to this game, especially with a 9 point spread but the Giants have surprised me before and hopefully will do it again this week. With Bradshaw out, I don’t have a lot of faith in Jacobs so I expect Eli to be going through the air all day. Especially on a New England secondary that plays half-ass and gives up close to the most points in the league. 9 points are a lot and this game should be a shootout all day. I’m taking Giants +9 and get this…the OVER at 51
425 New York Giants +9  -110 +400
51 O -110
U -110
21 O -115
U -115
426 New England Patriots -9  -110 -500
30 O -115
U -115
Week 9

Rex Ryan Sells Out And Plays A Pats Fan In Upcoming Sandler Movie

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Daily News:

Maybe Rex Ryan will get to kiss Bill Belichick’s Super Bowl rings after all. The brash-talking Jets coach plays, of all things, a New England Patriots fan in an upcoming movie starring Adam Sandler. NFL Network’s Rich Eisen revealed the news on his Thursday podcast that featured Sandler. Ryan plays a Boston lawyer in “I Hate You, Dad,” which was filmed in Massachusetts last summer. It’s not Ryan’s first rodeo on the acting scene. Ryan and general manager Mike Tannenbaum had cameos on an episode of “CSI: New York” earlier this year. “He’s my lawyer,” Sandler told Eisen. “My character . . . is kind of a dirtbag guy and he’s in trouble. Rex is an inexpensive lawyer in town. He takes care of me. He’s also a mammoth Patriots fan in the movie.” Ryan as a Patriots fan? “We wrote it in the script,” Sandler said. “He was great enough to be loose and funny about it. He talks about (Tom) Brady. He talks about Coach Belichick. He’s really cool.” As expected, Ryan was fully prepared to take on the role.

So what’s next for this attention whore? Dancing With The Stars? New reality show? I’m pretty surprised Rex hasn’t made Jets jerseys with his name on the back. I don’t even want to hear ‘he’s doing it on purpose to take the spotlight and pressure off his team’. Really? Cause the whole flipping off the cameraman at the MMA fight and foot fetish youtube video all came out in the off season. This guy loves cameras more than an Asian tourist but then again I guess he’s gonna need something to fall back on since the whole coaching thing isn’t working out.

People I Try To Avoid On The Subway

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Look at CSC gettin’ shoutouts on the subway…A true city subway creature indeed! Another day on the subway, another crazy/paranoid asshole having a conversation with his reflection in the window. I’d love to know what’s going on in this dude’s head. If I had to guess I would say it’s something like that J-Lo movie ‘The Cell’. Just crazy, fucked up creatures whispering sweet nothings into this guy’s conscience. When people like this stand next to me I like to switch train cars.

-Thanks to Alex and Jesse for this. If you have a photo or video of something weird or crazy from the subway send it our way. (subwaycreatures@gmail.com)

Brutal Machete Attack In Paterson, NJ

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Paterson, you’ve been quiet for a while. Glad to see you still have it in you to make headlines every now and then. Growing up in the Paterson area, there’s one thing I always knew: Stay away from all fried chicken places after sundown! These places turn into the bar in ‘From Dusk Til Dawn’. Killer creatures coming out of everywhere with machetes and shit. I was waiting for George Clooney to come through the window and save the day but even he knows to stay out of fried chicken stores in Paterson after dark. You go in for a drum stick, thigh, and maybe some rice on the side and you leave on a stretcher.

Also, does this guy just casually walk around with a machete in his pants? Not really sure what that machete was made of either cause after 14 hacks with it I was expecting that poor guy to look like a Yankee in pinstripes but I didn’t even notice any blood.

Woman Jumps In Front Of F-Train After Hearing Of Kim K. And Kris Humphries Divorce

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Gothamist.com:

Last night, just before 8 p.m., a young woman jumped from the platform onto the tracks as a Brooklyn-bound F train pulled into the Delancey/Essex Street station. Passengers were quickly removed from the train (though some were stuck in the dark for up to 30 minutes) as the FDNY pulled the woman from the tracks. But on the plus side, it appears the woman will be okay? According to Animal New York, “The conductor was reportedly overheard telling her, ‘Just don’t move, okay?’ and she responded, ‘Okay.'” The FDNY tells us that the woman, whose name and age they didn’t have, was transported to Bellevue “alert and conscious.” The MTA had no further information on the incident.

 

Well, she didn’t really jump in front of the train because of Kim Kardashian’s divorce but it wouldn’t surprise me if she did it because she couldn’t take hearing about it in the news anymore. I was tempted myself when I saw that C-Train speeding into the station this morning, but this is exactly how my luck would go. I can’t take hearing about the Kardashians and Biebers and occupy wall street anymore so I throw myself onto the tracks of an oncoming train only to break my arm and have to pay thousands of dollars in medical bills. Life’s a bitch sometimes isn’t it?