Author: subwaycreatures

Sixteen Year Old Dies From Jerking Off 42 Times

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m24digital.com:

A 16-year-old boy died after masturbating 42 times without stopping in Rubiato town, in Goiás region, Brazil.

His mother told a local newspaper that she already knew about his son’s addiction and that she planned to see the doctor, but the decision came too late.

The young man began to masturbate at midnight and spent the whole night to compulsively touch himself.

At school, his classmates commented on the boy’s problem and some said he asked them to connect to the webcam for being observed.

They further said that his attraction to women was extreme; he was attracted to all kind of women, regardless of texture physics, color and age.

In his room a great amount of pornography was found, including photographs and videos of nude women that were saved on his PC.

 

Death from masturbating 42 times? How am I alive? Just too many questions unanswered here. What is the possible cause of death in this case? How does one masturbate until they die? Is this really possible? I can see if this kid was strangling himself or had heart problems, but I don’t know if this is plausible otherwise. And let’s get one thing out of the way. If jerking off is an addiction then ‘Hi my name is Dick and I am an addict.’ The kid is 16 years old! Of course he’s gonna spend his Friday night beating that shit up. I remember it like yesterday when I would run up to the computer and fire up the ol’ AOL dial-up modem. The entire house would know I was signing on because of how loud it was and half the time I would cut my mom’s phone calls off. There was nothing very discrete about it if you remember. At that age you’re looking for anyway possible to change up your method so when I hear 42 times, I think this kid hasn’t even made it out of the single A minor leagues yet.

 

Now I can’t help this kid out when it comes to the ‘being observed’ part of the story but hey, everyone’s got their own thing. But the other part that had me confused was when they said ‘he was attracted to all kinds of women, regardless of texture physics.’ I love that my man didn’t discriminate but can someone please explain to me what this means. Does this mean plastic blow up dolls and/or hairy chicks? Either way dude, go online and find one of the million websites out there. Who the fuck jerks off to naked photographs anymore?

NY Giants LB Jonathan Goff Lost For Season

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NJ.com:

For the Giants, incredibly, it can get worse. And it just has. After losing three cornerbacks, defensive tackle Marvin Austin and backup linebacker Clint Sintim to season-ending injuries in the past month, the Giants will now be without their starting middle linebacker Jonathan Goff, who suffered a torn anterior cruciate ligament, according to someone informed of the injury. The person requested anonymity because the Giants haven’t yet commented on the situation. Someone else informed of the specifics of the injury, who also asked not to be named, said Goff knocked knees with a teammate in practice on Monday. He left to ice his knee, but was still having issues today, so he went for an MRI that revealed the full extent of the injury. The person said linebacker Kawika Mitchell is on his way for a visit and might be added to help fill the void created by the loss of Goff. Mitchell has not yet been signed, though. Mitchell, 31, was with the Giants in 2007, though he played the weak side while Antonio Pierce manned the middle. Mitchell also played for Giants defensive coordinator Perry Fewell for all of 2008 and five games of 2009 before suffering a season-ending injury. As for options on the roster, the team has left itself nothing but rookies behind Goff. Greg Jones, a sixth-round pick, was impressive in spurts in the preseason but is nowhere near ready to assume such a role as the starter in the middle. Undrafted rookie Mark Herzlich saw some time in the middle, but like Jones, moving into a starting role after a short offseason and training camp, would be a stretch. The backup in the middle during the preseason was Phillip Dillard, the team’s fourth-round pick last year, though he was waived and not added to the practice squad. Goff, a fifth-round pick in 2008 who has worked to become a more complete player, was in line for a sizeable payday after the season, as this was the final year of his rookie contract. He now joins cornerback Terrell Thomas, wide receivers Steve Smith and Domenik Hixon and linebacker/defensive end Mathias Kiwanuka as Giants who suffered serious injuries in their contract seasons over the past two years.

So at least we know that the NY Giants practice squad will be starting on Sunday afternoon. Jesus Christ I’m scared to even say this but just when you think it can’t get any worse, somehow it gets worse. I’m contemplating running down to the TIMEX field, suiting up, and jumping on the line of scrimmage. Giants’ fans hang in there. I’m still predicting a ‘W’ on Sunday! And on a side note, the Giants defense/special teams is still somehow ranked above the Jets…

MTA To Run 1920 Subway Trains This Month

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Adweek:

Pretty awesome: HBO has partnered with New York’s MTA to put an actual 1920s subway train back in service on the 2/3 line during weekends in September to promote Boardwalk Empire, the Prohibition-era drama whose second season premieres Sept. 25. The train was originally used for the IRT system, and began service in 1917, reports the Village Voice. It will be making short runs on the express track between 42nd and 96th Street between noon and 6 p.m. on Saturdays and Sundays this month. The cars will feature authentic details such as rattan seats, ceiling fans, and drop sash windows—as well as some inauthentic details like a shitload of Boardwalk Empire ads.

 

So Apparently the MTA has never been to CitySubwayCreatures or else they would see the shit that goes on on these trains. I love the idea but not when I think about the bums that are going to stank those cushioned seats up or the subway performers who are going to flip kick those ceiling fans off or the graffiti that will make these cars look like the 1990s again. I remember a time when a poster on the subway would be sufficient in advertising for a show, movie, or product. Bringing these trains in will be fun, but not for all. Destroying nice things is what New Yorkers are great at. Here is what the before and after photos could look like by Oct. 1:

 

Before:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After:

 

Dutch Game Show Deports Contestants

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Wow! I mean what a concept. The contestants have no idea that all of them, including the winner, are immediately being deported as soon as the producer yells ‘Cut. That’s a wrap!’ I would watch this show every single week and it would HAVE to be on FOX right? The American version would, of course, be more heartless and entertaining. “Congratulations on your win Pedro! Now here’s $4,000 for you to start your new life…BACK IN MEXICO!” The questions the contestants would be asked would have to foreshadow what’s coming at the end of the show. “So Juan, what exactly does I.N.S. stand for?”  “Esperanza you’re up. What is the color of the card needed to be in this country?” The idea is brilliant and watching these people’s reactions go from ‘holy shit I’m winning this bitch’ to ‘holy shit what just happened’ is worth so much more than the 4Gs the winner gets. Sorry but you DO NOT pass GO, you DO NOT collect $200, and have fun on that drive back to the homeland watching what ‘could’ve been’ out the window.

 

Sidenote: Does the creator of this Dutch game show not look exactly like you would expect him to look? A cross between a comic book villain and an extra from Die Hard 2.

Thank Christ I Don’t Have Neighbors Like This!

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Thank Christ I don’t have neighbors like this. I don’t mean the ‘hard dick’ thing. I know my neighbor likes hard dick cause I have to listen to her through the walls of my apartment. I mean the driving around yelling into a bull horn like it’s some kind of public service announcement. Lady, no one gives two shits whether or not you like hard dick. Do you see me driving around yelling ‘I like threesomes with preferably a hot blond and an Asian?’ No. Because no one cares and it will most likely never happen unless I pay for it. But there’s my point. Maybe I missed the long line of hard dick beating down your front door, but I highly doubt anyone has, or will be looking to have sex with you. But it’s Friday going into Labor Day weekend so I hope for your sake you do find a limp dick. And I hope that person slaps you in the face with it and knocks some sense into you!

Lindsay Lohan Dead; Donald Trump Expecting; Sarah Palin’s Sex Tape

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Buzzfeed:

I’ll tell you why I knew this was bullshit right away.

A) I’m 99% sure nothing in this world can kill Lindsay Lohan. I’ve been waiting for it for years and just when we think we’re gonna get lucky, somehow she rebounds like Dennis Rodman. Cats have 9 lives? Well Ms Lohan has 9 million. If she was going to die it would’ve been years ago and now we are all going to have to live the torture of her bad movies, terrible singing, and constantly being in the press for irrelevant reasons.

B) Donald Trump pregnant? Come on TrustoCorp. You can do better than that. We all know Donald would abort that baby faster than a teenage girl at her prom. No way is he letting a child come in between him and his conquest to take over the world! The Donald is too selfish to take care of himself with a party of one in his belly. Shame on you, you should know better!

C) Sarah Palin sex tape. Nowwww you got my attention. Not only do I think this bitch is stupid enough to make one, but I would be first to buy multiple copies. As much as I hate her, I can’t deny she’s got the sexy librarian look really working. It wouldn’t be that green night vision shit either. She would probably make it in 3D and name drop a few times on accident to confirm it was definitely her. Palin 2012!