The Outlawz Smoked Tupacs Ashes!

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New York City is notorious (no pun intended) for their weed delivery service. Dealers show up on bikes or cars and always have about 20 different kinds of bud on them. Of course each one has a new, different name that they came up with on their way over. It’s actually fun to hear how creative they can sometimes get. Afghan Cush, AK-47, Northern Lights, Green Crack, Grand Daddy Purp, OG Cush, etc. etc. Now I’m not sure how I would handle the situation if he showed up and said “yo I got that Tupac. No, really it’s fuckin’ Tupac. I got his ashes after they cremated him.” Um, call me crazy but I think I’ll pass on the Tupac this time Jerome. Not really into the whole ‘smoking people’ thing but even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tupac. Bring me some of that Biggie or if you really wanna make some money, get me some of that Snoop once he’s smoked himself dead. And don’t tell me Pac is running through your body my man. Everyone knows it takes a month for that shit to get out of your system.

You know what REALLY shocked me? Was the part where they said “we went down to the beach and did some shit he liked like weed, chicken wings, you know he loved orange soda…” No shit? I actually played a game where I stopped the clip right when he said “we did some shit he liked..” and tried to guess. What would you know I was 3 for 3. Kinda reminded me of the Dave Chappelle skit when he talks about black people being genetically predisposed to like chicken. And all along he thought he liked it just because it was delicious!

 

Virtual Subway Grocery Shopping Coming?

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Virtual subway grocery shopping? Rell rould you rook at that! Why are the Asians always so damn more advanced than us! We import everything from them and their technology is always 10 years ahead of us, partly why our economy is in the shits. Right off the bat I can tell you that this new technology will have zero effect on me since I still use a Zack Morris phone from 1989 with no internet. Here’s the thing South Korea must not have in common with us New Yorkers. We have just as many bums in our subways than actual commuters. Installing this on every platform is like throwing chum in the ocean during a shark feeding frenzy. I can just picture ‘one eyed Ray’ from the A-train licking the fruit section of these virtual boards like it was the “Lickable Wallpaper” in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Or Stinky Steve from the 6-train jerkin off to the fresh cut steaks in the meat section. Just hobos coming from everywhere to drool over these products that they will never actually see in real life. Not the most desirable situation for strap hangers who are just trying to order dinner for their family that night. I’ll tell you who I will give money or food to though. These guys:

 

Is This Drunk Chick On The 7 Train Onto Something?

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It’s Halloween night and damn Britney Spears is fucked up! Actually no matter what night it is, if it’s 4am on the 7 train you’re bound to see this. I give this chick a lot of credit, however. It’s almost like she knows exactly how far to fall without touching the guy sitting next to her. And what the hell do you think she’s dreaming of? My guess is she watched Jersey Shore before she went out and can’t get that picture of Situation ramming his own head into a concrete wall. She’s got the perfect form for it. Either that or the SNL skit of Will Ferrell giving himself a hummer in yoga class.

 

All of the above are acceptable answers but I think she might be on to something here. Imagine how ripped this chicks abs are going to be! She’s just created a two minute ab workout and I’d buy two minute abs way before I’d buy 8 minute abs plus I get to be black out drunk when I do it. Sure, the repercussions suck (miss my stop, robbed, raped, blah, blah, blah) but I’ll still wake up with a chiseled 6-pack without knowingly doing anything.

 

Side note: Has anyone actually tried to do the Will Ferrell move? I mean, I haven’t of course, I’m just wondering…

JETS Win The Snoopy, But Probably Nothing Else This Year

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Jesus Rex, can you tone down that smile a bit? So you won some award that was made up by your stadium’s new investor by beating the New York Giants, in what had to be the worst preseason game of the NFL season so far. Big Friggin’ Deal.

Didn’t your players just brag about how they are going to be scoring 28-30 points a game against their opponents this year, only to barely score 7 points while racking up only 113 in a littler over a half of play?  That’s should be making the coaches quoting Charlie Brown ‘Good Grief’ rather then sporting their pearly whites holding this piece of scrap metal.

You know who the real winner of this game was? The New England Patriots.  Because now the media can once again be on Tom Brady’s nuts on how they are going to win the AFC East again this year, since the only real competition isn’t exactly scaring anyone yet (offensively at least).

My early season prediction?  The Jets sneak into the playoffs as a wild-card team, only to lose once again at Pittsburgh.
On a side note, too bad this wasn’t the Garfield award, imagine all the funny jokes that could have been with that one.

Hurricane Irene Reporter Eats Shit…Literally

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MYFOXNY.COM – A local news reporter from Washington, D.C. ended up getting covered in what is probably the remnants of raw sewage as he delivered live hurricane reports from Ocean City, Md. WTTG-TV reporter Tucker Barnes was providing live updates for stations around the country as a wall of what he described as sea foam poured over him. Barnes was on the boardwalk as Hurricane Irene hit the coast of Maryland. He noted that he had immersed himself in organic material.  That “organic material” was most likely the effects of raw sewage pouring into the water during the storm. “It doesn’t taste great,” he said. He said it had a sandy consistency and added, “I can tell you first-hand, it doesn’t smell great.” The foam is often a toxic mix of pollution and cyanobacteria. 60 mph wind gust sprayed the toxic mix across the reporter and the boardwalk and coated buildings. Bubbles and foam in the ocean can be caused by several other things, including oils from decomposing animals.

While every single news agency out there was trying to report on the ‘catastrophic’ damage Irene was causing, we were delivered this FOX News gem. We knew Hurricane Irene was going to shit on us, but I’m sure Tucker Barnes didn’t take that literally. I threw up when I first watched 2 girls, 1 cup and I’d say this isn’t too far off. Tucker is just repeatedly getting slapped in the mouth with these flying foam shits and giving play by play analysis of what it feels like, tastes like, and smells like. I believe there’s an old saying, “if it smells like shit, then it’s probably shit.” I love the ‘chief meteorologist’ back at the station that told him it’s some kind of organic matter. Dude must be laughing his ass off right now cause when he said ‘organic matter’ this is exactly what he meant. I don’t feel bad for our FOX friend here but I REALLY feel bad for whoever he is staying in that hotel room with. ‘Storm or not, Tucker, ain’t no way you staying in this room!’
Side note: Does anyone else ever notice weather reporters holding on to objects for their lives as if they are getting sucked into an F5 tornado and then someone casually walks by in the background?

Who is this Guy?!

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So there’s a new documentary on HBO called SUPERHEROES about morons who literally dress up and “protect” the streets of the cities they live in. Just like Jersey Shore, I couldn’t stop watching it even though it was the most ridiculous shit to ever take place in America (I say that loosely). Literally, gay crime fighters walking the streets like hookers on a Saturday night trying to bait people into rape, skateboarding at 4 am in Brooklyn, etc. etc. All the while local police laughing at them in their face. I must say though, my favorite by far was Master Legend:

 

ML drinks on the job, hits on chicks at bars, and carries an ice cube launcher. Not only does he NEED his own show, but I want to know how he has time to save the world in between crushing all the local pussy in downtown Orlando, FL. I don’t mean to get so side tracked but there’s a point to this. Master Legend must have been on vacation in Spain and saved this dude’s life on the tracks cause look at how calm and cool that guy is. Drunk dude knocked out on tracks? I got this. Train coming? Don’t rush me. Get the guy to safety? Done and done. I know I always say this but it seriously looks like a clip from a Hollywood movie. And if you ever come across Master Legend, he probably just saved your life and you didn’t even know it.

Flood in the NYC Subway!

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So I was taking the 1 train this morning down by South Ferry and all of the sudden the NY Harbor began pouring in one of the entrances! Fire was spitting out of gas lines, an oil tanker fell down from the street above, and electric wires were flying everywhere. Thankfully the train pulled out just in time as if Ron Jeremy was working the controls. Shockingly, this is just footage of the earthquake ride at Universal Studios in Florida but pretty much what I was expecting over the weekend as I think mostly everyone else was. Once again NYC dodged a bullet as if some kind of force field bubbles over it. How did every surrounding city and town get blasted as bad as they did and I wake up Sunday afternoon with power, zero flooding, and the sun out? Something about New York City I tell ya.

I stayed up until 5:30am Sunday morning waiting for something crazy to happen and even then, the reporters were saying the worst is yet to come. Nothing other than a couple fallen trees. An earthquake and tropical storm in the same week? This video is what NY definitely should have looked like! Since we keep getting tested by Mother Nature, I’m sitting here writing and wondering what’s next? Tornadoes? An end of the summer blizzard? Alien attack?

Side note: Not sure if anyone saw the Bloomberg press conference, but him trying to speak Spanish is as awkward as my Irish ass trying to read the Torah out loud.

 

NYC Subway Service Update

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http://www.mta.info/

New York City Subway

With limited exceptions, service will resume across the subway system at 6:00 a.m. Monday morning. Service will be less frequent than normal, and customers should expect longer waits and more crowded trains. Frequency of service will improve over the course of the day. Specifically:

  • 3 trains will operate between 137th Street/City College and New Lots Avenue; Substitute bus service will be provided between Harlem 148th Street and 135th Street connecting with the 2 train.
  • C trains suspended; A trains will make all local stops from 207th St. to Lefferts Blvd.​
    • No service in the Rockaways. (Rockaway Blvd. to Far Rockaway and Rockaway Park)
  • 6 trains runs local in the Bronx
  • 7 trains run local
  • S Franklin Avenue Shuttle (FAS) Suspended
  • N trains terminate at Kings Highway. Shuttle bus service between Kings Highway and Stillwell Terminal.

The Staten Island Railway will resume normal service at midnight tonight.

Long Island Rail Road

Trees are blocking tracks and flooding has been reported in several areas. Crews were dispatched to assess the damage and make repairs. Crews are also in the process of reinstalling hundreds of gates at crossings.

 

 

Metro-North Railroad

Metro-North is experiencing major flooding at numerous locations on all lines and a mudslide on the Hudson Line at Spuyten Duyvil.  The National Weather Service has extended Flood Warnings for Putnam, Rockland, Westchester, and Southeastern CT counties until midnight Monday, which will impact the ability of crews to make necessary repairs. There are multiple instances of power outages and trees tangled in overhead catenary wires. There are several sections of track in various locations damaged by mudslides and washouts and significant flooding at stations. Crews are on hand throughout the system restoring infrastructure as conditions allow.