Ashton Kutcher Is The Father Of January Jones’ Baby? Of Course He Is!

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thesuperficial.com:

According to Hollywood Life, an Internet rumor is going around suggesting Ashton Kutcher is the father of his ex January Jones‘ baby because it’s pretty much a given at this point he either hates Demi Moore‘s vagina or it’s officially morphed into a Sarlacc pit as they are wont to do over time. Anyway, let me just shoot this rumor down with my extensive knowledge of January Jones if extensive knowledge means I dubbed her kid “Revenge Baby” and called it a day: If there’s one thing January Jones hates more than anything – I’m talking even more than not having a child out of spite. – it’s Ashton Kutcher. The guy spent their whole relationship telling her she’d never make it as an actress, except one of them is on the critically acclaimed Mad Men (For the sake of argument, just ignore everything I said about her in X-Men: First Class.), and the other just replaced Charlie Sheen on a sitcom geared towards people who like Applebee’s. And even if that anger manifested itself into a night of unprotected hate banging, I can almost guarantee January would’ve blown up his marriage to make up for all those times he negged her into the sack because I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, January Jones loves revenge. She shoots it out of her uterus.

Yes! I called it. Right after that slut called out Ashton I KNEW shit like this was gonna start coming out. It’s gonna be another Tiger Woods all over again and next up, January Jones. Ashton you better have Tiger’s PR team on hand cause shit is about to get ugly. Why else would Jones be so tight lipped about who the father is? In 5 years it won’t matter if we still don’t know cause the kid will look exactly like him, have a horrible acting career, and marry/cheat on a woman twice his age. The cats out of the bag Ashton!

New iPhone 4s Puts Asians At A Disadvantage

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Jesus it got to the point where I was waiting for Siri to say “Speak fuckin’ English asshole!” Asians have always been handicapped when it comes to those pesky Rs but you know what, they are smart people and will have to learn to adapt. I’ve been reading all sorts of stories about this new Siri shit on the iPhone 4s and it looks like it could probably entertain me for an entire day. You can ask it anything and it will have some kind of answer for you. Take this for example:

 

 

‘American Juggalo’ Just Might Set Americans Back 20 Years

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So I’ve officially declared today’s theme as “Yes. People like this DO exist.” I watched this whole short film and it was mind blowing! Just when you thought you’ve seen it all from the South, they create a Juggalo music festival. I think the creators of this film were trying to answer the main question of  ‘what the fuck is a juggalo’ but due to many many many drugs and A.D.D., they never seem to be answered by anyone in the video. The people look exactly how you’d expect them to and all this video was missing was a banjo in the background with a brother/sister combo humping like wild animals. If you have 20 minutes of free time and are feeling down at any point of the day, I recommend this film and you’ll feel a lot better about yourself. A couple of highlights are as follows:

-Guy who only knows the word “fuck”

-Preggo woman who plans on Juggalos raising her unborn child

-Dude allowing friend to spray paint his face

-Girl who says she’s not on drugs but absolutley has to be

-Man fucked up on drugs who is waiting for a surgical transplant

-WOOT, WOOT!

The Chinese Have To Be The Coldest People In The World

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Youtube:

Two years-old bany girl was crushed by Van loaded with breads and Light Truck and ignored by 18 pedestrians except aunt garbage collector after seven minutes later. Where Satus Moral? No wonder why their country is always hit by the disaster and tragedy that cursed by God

 

Unfortunately this video is real and people like this actually exist. I know Asians are bad drivers but how do you 1) not see a kid standing in front of your truck and 2) Once you run him over and your truck pops up, keep going? 18 fuckin’ people just walk or ride by including another truck that runs the kid over again! Come on China, you guys are suppose to be smart! I guess compassion, morals, and concern don’t fall under that category.

On a sidenote, great parenting letting a 2 year old stroll down downtown China on her own. They found the rag doll of a kid on accident when the aunt was walking home after 15 minutes. Unbelievable…

This Is Why I Love NYC

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So about a year ago I’m walking home from dinner and I see this piece of work on the sidewalk. I stopped for a second and thought to myself if this guy is gonna walk around like this then he deserves to be filmed. It’s not even close to Halloween and this dude is full blown about to walk down down aisle. I pull my camera out and start recording him and I don’t think I even need to say that he was not happy about it. He repeatedly hits me with his purse which I feel only made the clip even better but as he walks away tries to tell me it’s illegal to film him. Ohhhh buddy, you walk around the public streets of NY like that and you better expect somebody to film you. Then some lady behind me says that I was mean to him. Excuse me?! Am I the crazy one here? Never know what you’ll run into in this city and I love it!

Girls Jump Gate In Subway, Fight NYPD #OccupyJailCell

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Youtube:

Girls jumps NYC Subway gate to avoid fare. When cops try to arrest them…. this is what happens.

 

Damn times must really be tough. For $2.25 you’ve now tacked on avoiding a subway fare, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer. Very impressive. Most people don’t realize that most gates in the subway are watched by police on surveillance cameras . My friends found that out the hard way back in high school when they decided to hop the turnstiles and 2 seconds later police had them in HQ handing out fines. What a feeling that must be for the police though. Sitting there all day just waiting for someone to hop the gate and BAM! ‘Pssst. 10-4, We got a group of female hoppers. I’m going in! Gonna need some backup they look a little hostile.’

 

Sidenote: If I were NYPD I would definitely wanna be the plain clothes cop who carries the badge around his neck. Straight up 21 Jump Street style. Bad ass!

 

 

Giants/Jets Outlook: Week 6

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I still can’t get over how that game ended last week. I was positive we had the game locked in the last 2 minutes. In the red zone, gonna take the lead, let the defense seal the game. No! Eli throws to Cruz who slips on his route and pick-6 city. Just sitting on my uncomfortable-as-fuck futon in shock but that’s Giants Football for ya. This week the G-Men are home against a surprising Bills team. Lock down Stevie Johnson, blitz the shit outta Ryan Fitzpatrick, game over. MillerTime is a huge Bills fans so it will be fun to rub it in his face at 4:15. No way will the Bills be 5-1 after this week even though I said that last week about the Seahawks. Mistakes were made and they won’t this week. I’m taking Giants -3 but I like the under at 50.

213 Buffalo Bills +3  +105 +160
50 O -110
U -110
23½ O -115
U -115
214 New York Giants -3  -125 -190
27 O -110
U -120
Week 6
After making some changes at wide receiver the Jets might have actually upgraded their offense. Giving this kid Kerley a chance to play might be beneficial for the struggling Jets. They also get to play a winless Miami team whose star wide receiver already is predicting to get thrown out of the game in the second quarter on Monday night. If the Jets can’t win on Monday against a team that is clearly crumbling and has no quarterback then let the Just End The Season talks begin. Jets take this game -7 with the over at 42.
225 Miami Dolphins +7  -110 +250
42½ O -110
U -110
17½ O -120
U -110
226 New York Jets -7  -110 -300
24½ O -120
U -110
ESPNWeek 6

Professor Tells Stuttering Student Not To Talk During Class

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Gawker:

Phillip Garber (seen in the video above) is a 16 year-old in New Jersey who’s so smart that he’s already taking classes at a local college. Good for you Phillip! Phillip also stutters. Now that the emotional/ inspirational setup is in place, let’s get to the meat of the madness! The NYT reportsthat Phillip’s college history professor, Elizabeth Snyder, grew so impatient with his stutter that she ordered Phillip not to speak in class, and refused to call on him. As for questions she asks in class, Ms. Snyder suggested, “I believe it would be better for everyone if you kept a sheet of paper on your desk and wrote down the answers.” Later, he said, she told him, “Your speaking is disruptive.” Later Snyder was quoted saying “He misinterpreted this and assumed it had something to do with his stuttering; I interpreted his hand up for 75 minutes as someone unfamiliar with a college lecture format and frankly a little rude,” she said. “In hindsight, I should have stopped my lecture and called on Philip because he had become so fixated on making a statement that it didn’t seem to matter to him that he was interrupting my presentation.”


Jesus Christ was this painful! The video is 11 minutes long and I’m pretty sure the kid said two sentences. I’m 100% against bullying and we’ve all seen what that leads to but come on! The kid is a 16 year old know-it-all, already in college and I’m sure he’s trying to impress the socks off of everyone by answering every goddamn question the professor asks. She’s got 75 minutes to cram as much useless information into those hungover student’s heads. I don’t blame her for that and of course this kid is going to play the stutter card. Hey Phil, it’s not always about you so stop being selfish and think about the other people in the class.

 

A New Kind Of Porn: Skydiving Sex

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XXX:

Alex Torres (born: Alexandre Boisvert; aliases: VooDoo Child, Voodoo, Voo Doo, Lex) is a French Canadian skydiver and porn actor currently living in California, who wanted to get the attention of Howard Stern. So he shot a video, set to Katy Perry’s “E.T.”, of him having sex with Hope Howell, a receptionist at Skydive Taft School in Bakersfield, where he works. But they weren’t just having sex. They were having sex in the plane. They were having sex as they jumped out together. And they were still having sex as they hurtled towards the ground. Torres then posted the video to his website, and it started to make the rounds at a local high school. That’s when the authorities got involved. No one actually saw them, so they can’t be nabbed on public indecency charges, but having sex on a plane could be a violation of federal regulations — particularly as it occurred in this tape, seated in a jump seat right next to the pilot. The Federal Aviation Administration is currently reviewing the tape to see if the pilot was distracted.

 

Just when you thought porn couldn’t get any better, BAM! Free-fall fucking. Love this guy for being an entrepreneur and I’m almost shocked this wasn’t thought of earlier. This just jumped to the top of my bucket list above snorting a rail with Charlie Sheen off a porn star’s ass and spending 24 hours at the Playboy Mansion. I’m sure the FAA doesn’t give a shit about this since there are bigger things to worry about like terrorists flying planes into buildings but they have to do something since all the soccer moms on the ground found something to complain about. Haters gonna hate but let’s just hope Alex finished on the ground and not on his decent.

Woman Sues After Accident With Vibrator

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Huffington Post:

After horrific experience with a sex toy sent her to the hospital, a Northern California woman is a suing a Southern California “marital aid” manufacturer for personal injury and emotional duress. Yreka resident April Bonjour states in her suit that, late last year, she and her boyfriend were using a vibrator made by Pipedream Products when she suddenly noticed that something was wrong. “During usage I felt a sharp pain inside my vagina,” she wrote. “My boyfriend quickly removed the toy, it was covered with blood.” Bonjour initially thought she might have just started her period, but she realized something else was definitely happening when she continued to lose blood to the point where she began slipping in and out of consciousness. “My son was woken up so we could go to the hospital,” she wrote. “He thought it I was dying…[and] quite frankly so did I.” Once at the hospital, Bonjour’s condition stabilized after she was administered several pints of blood. After the incident, Bonjour attempted to get some compensation from the Pipedreams, but the company refused and she filed suit. SF Weekly notes that that Pipedream’s official company motto is, “We Don’t Make the Orgasm…We Make the Orgasm BETTER!”

 

I was waiting for this story to happen after they released the Googlher but I guess it didn’t even take that long. This story kinda reminds me of my first time. Confusion…crying…slipping in and out of consciousness. No hospital visit but I probably should have if you saw what this girl looked like. I feel for the kid here. Imagine getting woken up in the middle of the night because of this. How do you even begin to explain this one? ‘Son, we were using Mommy’s Pipedreams and shit went south. I didn’t but the situation did. But don’t worry, we’re going to be rich very soon to pay for your therapy.’