Category: Funny

Possible Midget Just Feelin’ It On Subway

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Now I’m 90% sure this is a kid and not a midget but every once in a while he would pull off a move that made me feel like he was 30 years old. Little man is GETTIN’ IT! All we’re missing is some candle wax and this could be a Ricky Martin video. He’s gotta be listening to some R&B song right? If this is a mini Chris Brown in-the-making then the last stop on this train is SlapABitchfield.

 

Side note: I’ll bet a weeks pay this is what little man is listening to. If you listen to this song over his video there’s no way it’s not!

 

 

Check Out This Drunk, Flaming Russian

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Just another Tuesday afternoon in Russia…everyone unemployed, drunk off their asses, listening to “I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight.” God what a life it must be! So Sergei over here decides to do some kind of rain dance to make this random fire go out and instead ends up turning his pleather jeans into ass-less chaps. Gotta love the coldness of the Russians as no one even makes an attempt to help him or put the fire out. Russia Spring Break 2012 here we come!

What Do You Do When The Cop That Pulled You Over Is Bi-Polar

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Yes, this man carries a gun. I’ve watched this now on repeat possibly 20 times trying to figure out where the cops ON/OFF switch is. Have you ever seen someone go from as polite as he was to completely bat shit crazy? Dude, you’re the authoritative figure here. The guy doesn’t want to let you in his car? That’s fine, make him wait there until you have a warrant. Don’t be mad because you think you have to let him go. And how bout the driver with the balls to say something after that Mount Vesuvius explosion from the cop. Not only would I have kept my mouth shut, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep because of the nightmares this cop planted in my head. Literally looked like a scene from The Exorcist.

Side note: Did this remind anyone of when George Brett’s home run was called back when the Royals played the Yankees?

 

Sixteen Year Old Dies From Jerking Off 42 Times

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m24digital.com:

A 16-year-old boy died after masturbating 42 times without stopping in Rubiato town, in Goiás region, Brazil.

His mother told a local newspaper that she already knew about his son’s addiction and that she planned to see the doctor, but the decision came too late.

The young man began to masturbate at midnight and spent the whole night to compulsively touch himself.

At school, his classmates commented on the boy’s problem and some said he asked them to connect to the webcam for being observed.

They further said that his attraction to women was extreme; he was attracted to all kind of women, regardless of texture physics, color and age.

In his room a great amount of pornography was found, including photographs and videos of nude women that were saved on his PC.

 

Death from masturbating 42 times? How am I alive? Just too many questions unanswered here. What is the possible cause of death in this case? How does one masturbate until they die? Is this really possible? I can see if this kid was strangling himself or had heart problems, but I don’t know if this is plausible otherwise. And let’s get one thing out of the way. If jerking off is an addiction then ‘Hi my name is Dick and I am an addict.’ The kid is 16 years old! Of course he’s gonna spend his Friday night beating that shit up. I remember it like yesterday when I would run up to the computer and fire up the ol’ AOL dial-up modem. The entire house would know I was signing on because of how loud it was and half the time I would cut my mom’s phone calls off. There was nothing very discrete about it if you remember. At that age you’re looking for anyway possible to change up your method so when I hear 42 times, I think this kid hasn’t even made it out of the single A minor leagues yet.

 

Now I can’t help this kid out when it comes to the ‘being observed’ part of the story but hey, everyone’s got their own thing. But the other part that had me confused was when they said ‘he was attracted to all kinds of women, regardless of texture physics.’ I love that my man didn’t discriminate but can someone please explain to me what this means. Does this mean plastic blow up dolls and/or hairy chicks? Either way dude, go online and find one of the million websites out there. Who the fuck jerks off to naked photographs anymore?

Dutch Game Show Deports Contestants

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Wow! I mean what a concept. The contestants have no idea that all of them, including the winner, are immediately being deported as soon as the producer yells ‘Cut. That’s a wrap!’ I would watch this show every single week and it would HAVE to be on FOX right? The American version would, of course, be more heartless and entertaining. “Congratulations on your win Pedro! Now here’s $4,000 for you to start your new life…BACK IN MEXICO!” The questions the contestants would be asked would have to foreshadow what’s coming at the end of the show. “So Juan, what exactly does I.N.S. stand for?”  “Esperanza you’re up. What is the color of the card needed to be in this country?” The idea is brilliant and watching these people’s reactions go from ‘holy shit I’m winning this bitch’ to ‘holy shit what just happened’ is worth so much more than the 4Gs the winner gets. Sorry but you DO NOT pass GO, you DO NOT collect $200, and have fun on that drive back to the homeland watching what ‘could’ve been’ out the window.

 

Sidenote: Does the creator of this Dutch game show not look exactly like you would expect him to look? A cross between a comic book villain and an extra from Die Hard 2.

Thank Christ I Don’t Have Neighbors Like This!

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Thank Christ I don’t have neighbors like this. I don’t mean the ‘hard dick’ thing. I know my neighbor likes hard dick cause I have to listen to her through the walls of my apartment. I mean the driving around yelling into a bull horn like it’s some kind of public service announcement. Lady, no one gives two shits whether or not you like hard dick. Do you see me driving around yelling ‘I like threesomes with preferably a hot blond and an Asian?’ No. Because no one cares and it will most likely never happen unless I pay for it. But there’s my point. Maybe I missed the long line of hard dick beating down your front door, but I highly doubt anyone has, or will be looking to have sex with you. But it’s Friday going into Labor Day weekend so I hope for your sake you do find a limp dick. And I hope that person slaps you in the face with it and knocks some sense into you!

Lindsay Lohan Dead; Donald Trump Expecting; Sarah Palin’s Sex Tape

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Buzzfeed:

I’ll tell you why I knew this was bullshit right away.

A) I’m 99% sure nothing in this world can kill Lindsay Lohan. I’ve been waiting for it for years and just when we think we’re gonna get lucky, somehow she rebounds like Dennis Rodman. Cats have 9 lives? Well Ms Lohan has 9 million. If she was going to die it would’ve been years ago and now we are all going to have to live the torture of her bad movies, terrible singing, and constantly being in the press for irrelevant reasons.

B) Donald Trump pregnant? Come on TrustoCorp. You can do better than that. We all know Donald would abort that baby faster than a teenage girl at her prom. No way is he letting a child come in between him and his conquest to take over the world! The Donald is too selfish to take care of himself with a party of one in his belly. Shame on you, you should know better!

C) Sarah Palin sex tape. Nowwww you got my attention. Not only do I think this bitch is stupid enough to make one, but I would be first to buy multiple copies. As much as I hate her, I can’t deny she’s got the sexy librarian look really working. It wouldn’t be that green night vision shit either. She would probably make it in 3D and name drop a few times on accident to confirm it was definitely her. Palin 2012!

Matthew Fox Might Have The Funniest Mughsot I’ve Ever Seen

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They say a picture speaks a thousand words. Matthew Fox’s mugshot released today speaks a billion. If you haven’t heard by now, he was arrested in Cleveland, Ohio for punching a female bus driver right in the baby maker. That’s right! Jack Shepard, the chosen one, straight upper hooking Mrs. Crabtree where the sun don’t shine. I thought the story was as weird as the plot to Lost anyway, but when I saw this mugshot I couldn’t stop laughing. Just look at him! You know at this point in the police station he had those uncontrollable sniffles and hiccups. You know, the ones where snot is just oozing out of your nose like a Garbage Pail Kid and you’re just trying to concentrate on breathing. The officer taking this pic was probably beside himself. ‘Hey Jack! Grab hold of yourself and take a deep fuckin’ breath!’ Good to see he’s taking care of himself though. Probably weighs around 230 lbs according to this picture and looks like he’s been on a week long bender. And in Cleveland no less! He must have been drinking at ‘The Bar’ downtown. Appropriately named since it’s the only one there. The Lost jokes are endless so no point in taking that road but I will give money to the person who can look at this mugshot with a straight face!

 

UPDATE!

DListed.com – Before we get back on Matthew Fox’s Dharma party van of pussy punches, I should let you know that mug shot isn’t really Matthew Fox and has been around for years. I know. I wish that after Matthew allegedly right hooked a trick in the tit, he wept like a strained turtle whose head is too fat to hide in its shell during his mug shot session.

CNN says that prosecutors in Cleveland have charged Dr. Jack Shepard with assault for acting like a drunk assbag when he threw fists at a (to be read in the slurry voice of a boozed bitch with a party yard long cup in hand) PAAAAAAAARTY BUUUUUS driver when she refused to let him on. The party bus driver Heather Bormann said that Matthew punched her in the legs, but his fists eventually ended up on her chichi sacks and coochie zone. Heather turned off Matthew’s punches by fisting him in the face. Matthew was detained by the police that night but quickly released. Prosecutors took pictures of the bruises that Matthew left on Heather’s arms and legs. Matthew has said nothing about this so far.

Let’s see. Jin was busted for DUI. Libby was busted for DUI. Ana Lucia was busted for DUI. Mr. Eko was busted for driving without a license. And now Matthew Fox. The LOST curse will never leave the island! The smoke monster, that dead polar bear, Sawyer, Hurley, Ben and the others better keep their fists in their ass cracks and act right on the PAAAAAARTY BUUUUS or this could be them! I’ve heard that Kate can’t get even get arrested in this town, so that bitch is safe. Lucky for her.

The Outlawz Smoked Tupacs Ashes!

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New York City is notorious (no pun intended) for their weed delivery service. Dealers show up on bikes or cars and always have about 20 different kinds of bud on them. Of course each one has a new, different name that they came up with on their way over. It’s actually fun to hear how creative they can sometimes get. Afghan Cush, AK-47, Northern Lights, Green Crack, Grand Daddy Purp, OG Cush, etc. etc. Now I’m not sure how I would handle the situation if he showed up and said “yo I got that Tupac. No, really it’s fuckin’ Tupac. I got his ashes after they cremated him.” Um, call me crazy but I think I’ll pass on the Tupac this time Jerome. Not really into the whole ‘smoking people’ thing but even if I was, it wouldn’t be Tupac. Bring me some of that Biggie or if you really wanna make some money, get me some of that Snoop once he’s smoked himself dead. And don’t tell me Pac is running through your body my man. Everyone knows it takes a month for that shit to get out of your system.

You know what REALLY shocked me? Was the part where they said “we went down to the beach and did some shit he liked like weed, chicken wings, you know he loved orange soda…” No shit? I actually played a game where I stopped the clip right when he said “we did some shit he liked..” and tried to guess. What would you know I was 3 for 3. Kinda reminded me of the Dave Chappelle skit when he talks about black people being genetically predisposed to like chicken. And all along he thought he liked it just because it was delicious!

 

Is This Drunk Chick On The 7 Train Onto Something?

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It’s Halloween night and damn Britney Spears is fucked up! Actually no matter what night it is, if it’s 4am on the 7 train you’re bound to see this. I give this chick a lot of credit, however. It’s almost like she knows exactly how far to fall without touching the guy sitting next to her. And what the hell do you think she’s dreaming of? My guess is she watched Jersey Shore before she went out and can’t get that picture of Situation ramming his own head into a concrete wall. She’s got the perfect form for it. Either that or the SNL skit of Will Ferrell giving himself a hummer in yoga class.

 

All of the above are acceptable answers but I think she might be on to something here. Imagine how ripped this chicks abs are going to be! She’s just created a two minute ab workout and I’d buy two minute abs way before I’d buy 8 minute abs plus I get to be black out drunk when I do it. Sure, the repercussions suck (miss my stop, robbed, raped, blah, blah, blah) but I’ll still wake up with a chiseled 6-pack without knowingly doing anything.

 

Side note: Has anyone actually tried to do the Will Ferrell move? I mean, I haven’t of course, I’m just wondering…